Seven Signs You Have Poverty Mentality

These days, I am getting serious insights. I will sit down eating and suddenly 12 signs you are a terrible eater would drop into my mind. I get into a car—18 signs your car is made in China; I see a nice looking girl—9 signs she isn’t a wife material; I read your poem—23 signs you are a terrible writer; I sit in the toilet—5 reasons not to shit before 6am. Etc. Insights are pouring out like a burst dam. My head is out of control, overflowing with ideas.

Thank God for this blog.

Yesterday, in my townspeople meeting, someone did something casual but terrible and suddenly 7 Signs You Have Poverty Mentality dropped on my laps. While in the car, on the way home I began to compose this post.

What is poverty mentality? If you expect me to start with ‘Poverty Mentality can be defined as…’ then you deserve a medal for your overconfidence. Mehn, the things you expect me to do! I left secondary school in 1977 and can’t define things that ‘can be defined as’. The only thing I can say for definition is that poverty mentality is a state of thoughts in pari passu with the poverty mentality. Thank you. If you are still confused you may sue.

Let’s go.

1, If You Assume the World Revolves Around Your Poverty.

People with this mentality usually use their lack as a yardstick to measure waste and extravagance. For instance, if I say ‘My uncle spent 300 thousand naira on that pair of shoes’ someone with poverty mentality would respond thus: ‘That money could have paid for my rent plus buy a new TV and two years DSTV subscription. Chai, that is an utter waste. Honestly, that guy wasted real money there.’

Yeah, it might be a waste but the fact that you use yourself as an example of one who needs help says it all. There are hundreds of millions of people you are better than, from refugees to the homeless, to the motherless, yet you chose to present yourself as the sole symbol of lack.

Poverty mentality, bro, that’s your matter.

2, If You Investigate the Worth of Gifts You Receive.

Someone gets you a gift and you want to know how much. Mostly, because you still have the possession of your senses (sometimes actually) you don’t ask him; you go to Konga or Jumia and search for phantom 6 gold. Just to see the price.

It is not even that you are ungrateful. No, just that you are a price tag. You are never satisfied util you attach a price to every possession. He buys you a set of bra and you bring them out one by one; ‘this one should be 300 naira, this one is around 850 naira.’ Ah ha, poverty mentality noni.

Those people who stop you on the way and ask, ‘how much did you buy these shoes?’ or ‘Beautiful gold chain. How much?’ poverty mentality is their problem.

Poverty mentality, said the blogger, all is poverty mentality.

If you missed: 10 Signs You are not ready for Marriage

3, If ‘Expensive’ is Your Favourite Adjective.

Mostly it is not that you wish to brag. Sometimes the things you use ‘expensive’ to modify don’t belong to you; no brag. You just like the word. Oh, how you love the word. The magical word. The word differentiates the ordinary for you. An expensive watch, an expensive trip, an expensive restaurant, an expensive wedding, an expensive toilet etc. Now, let’s try this, an expensive fool.

Perhaps your vocabulary is limited. You don’t have a poverty mentality. You just have an expensive poverty mentality.

4, If Material Things Are the First You Notice on People.

Yeah, you see your aunt for the first thing since 1912 and you cry as you run to hug her, ‘That is a diamond bracelet you are wearing!’

Are you okay?

5, If Everything You Stand For Has a Price.

Now let’s do some practicals. Answer these questions to yourself:

‘Can you let your boyfriend/girlfriend sleep with your best friend for 25 million naira?’

‘Can you betray your brother for 60 million naira?’

‘Can you leak your firm’s top secret for a managerial position in a rival firm?’

‘Can you send nudes for 100 thousand dollars?’

‘Can you testify falsely against a public figure for 40 million naira?’

‘Can you defend a corrupt/evil government in exchange for an appointment?’

Now go through the questions again and review your answers. If you as much as hesitated before any question, you don’t have a poverty mentality. You are for sale. Armed robber.

6, If You Judge the Success of an Event by How Much You Ate.

When people report that a wedding or a funeral was ‘wow’ I habitually asked what made it so? People with small mind reply that ‘big boys were there. The latest fashions, designers were on parade.’ Team poverty mentality would say ‘Mehn, food was surplus. Anything you want, serve yourself; be it ogbono, egusi, ora plus abacha with fresh fish plus chopped pomo. Ahh, and the rice, fried, jollof and white rice with stew or pepper soup. The chicken is the size of Banky W’s head…’ bla bla bla.

Do I need to say more?

If you missed: 10 Signs You are a Sadist

7, If You Can Fight Because of Food.

Most especially in public. Or quarrel or insult people because of food, food o. Ordinary food. Mehn, your poverty mentality is pregnant and nursing a baby at the same time. You see people dress in an expensive suit or asoke seriously abusing each other because of amala. But some ushers can make a bishop lose his cool.

The other day at a wedding, the usher kept bypassing our seat to carry drinks to some section of the hall. You could think is personal chi is leashed on that section. I stood up as he passed with the crate, reached and put one bottle of malt out. He grabbed the malt. I held tight. He increased his grip on the bottle. I refused to let go. Time stood still. The world stopped rotating. Finally, the punk let go.

I was so angry after drinking the malt I followed the guy. He had the crate between his legs as he gave the drink to people he considered superior. I reached for the crate and took another malt—

Poverty mentality!

Shut up. I was only displaying outrage. I was trying to tell the fellow that if I leave the premiership matches to come to this event, I was deserving of being served at least a bottle of malt. When denied one, as a statement, I would take two bottles.

Poverty mentality!

Stop shouting in here. This is my blog and I can hereby disqualify you. I decide what is poverty mentality.

But by taking two malts someone may not get any, you might point out if you wish to argue (I don’t have your strength). Perhaps someone won’t get any which is mostly because the ushers hid some crates. It happens at events. Everybody cannot get everything. It is a wedding not a meeting for gluttony. Anybody who didn’t get a bottle should relax, go home and drink pure water. They are the same thing. If the person complains aloud the person has poverty mentality. Period.

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Ten Signs You Are Not Ready For Marriage

All my life, I have attended nearly ten weddings; three of them last February. These weddings were hits back to back. I have been thinking of marriage since then, having been seduced by the poetry of the vows, the glamour of the bridal train, the delight of the dance hall and soothing calm of John Legend’s voice.

Two months before, I was laughing in my mind as my mother hammered about the need to settle down, just stopping short of a deadline. Now, I am drawn.

But even this one will pass. In few weeks time, I will no longer salivate about weddings and I’ll become normal again. But while at it, I did a lot of thinking about marriage. Out of my idle philosophy comes this list. Of course the list is endless and feel free to add yours in the comment box.

Lucky Dube’s ‘It’s Not Easy’ is playing in the background as I write this.

(I will try not to abuse anyone).

1, If You Must Marry a Beautiful, Sexy Woman

When I see guys on Facebook describing their future wife, how she must be busty with large behind, solid hip, a beautiful face et cetra, I laugh cynically. Look at Nollywood, it is full of beautiful, sexy women with a broken home. Beauty and being sexy are not bad in themselves but if they are top on you list, you are still a child. You don’t know a thing.

I did not know that behind that beauty/Lies the true colors that will destroy me.

2, If You Ache for a Wealthy Man

No one is asking you to marry a boy with wallpaper in his room. But if you judge the guy by the size of his car, the class of his job and the fatness of his wallet, before you say I do, you are not ready. You are a lazy, opportunistic, gold-digger of the most extreme order.

Guys stinking with money are not bad (no, we are not #wink) but if you fix your eyes only in the wallet, you will overlook most of their faults. Faults that will haunt you when you become Mrs Money Bag.

In defense, some ladies have posted: ‘It is easier to cry inside a Lexus jeep than in a stuffy room’. You are not ready. you can’t be expecting and apologising for unhappiness and be ready.

This choice I made didn’t work out the way I thought it would.

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3, If You Will Only Marry from Your Ethnic Group

This is the twenty-first century but some people cage themselves in the basket of their ethnic group.

I used to nurse this ancient anachronistic pre-historic sentiment until in my first year in the university. There was this fine Igbo girl who usually came to our lodge to visit her guy. One day, in the company of two Igbo guys, I said ‘Nice couple, it’s a pity he’s not Igbo.’ These Igbo guys pounced on me and rebuked me seriously, and it dawned on me that I was living in the Stone Age.

Since then I have become a staunch apostle of freedom of choice which illiterates call ‘inter-tribal’ marriage. In pursuit of love, I have come to consider marrying Kogi, Rivers and Benue (you can read the funny marriage attempt of the latter here).

If I introduce my wife to my kindred and anyone says ‘What tribe is she?’ I would wound the person. I swear.

She said son did you take time to know her?

4, If You Must Never Marry From Certain Ethnic Groups

Some people don’t mind marrying from other cultures but they have blacklisted some they will never dream of marrying. I have met people who would never marry from or into Igboland. ‘Over my dead body,’ they say. I also know many ladies who are single in their late thirties because the preferred ‘tribe’ hasn’t come. Just legodi.

So many Nigerians are still in the darkness of bringing tribal talk into wedlock. No matter how inferior/bad you think some cultures are, a man in himself is psychological not entirely biology. All those stupid talks that Igbo people can do anything for money, Yoruba men are never faithful, Tiv wives are whatnot etc are stupid, useless, barbaric talk. Grow up, expand your horizon, this is 2017 and don’t let the devil use you!

I said mama she’s the best/But today it hurts me so.

5, If You Can Never Consider a Small Wedding

If your wedding must be the talk of the town (what is the use?) then you are not ready for marriage. You are just ripe for a big wedding. I have nothing more to say to you.

Maybe what the preacher man said was not something that was within you.

6, If Your Future Spouse Must be in a Particular Career

‘She must be a nurse. There is high demand of nurses in Amerika’.

‘I swear I must marry a pilot’.

If at your age, you voice these, you are an amazing idiot and I feel sorry for you.

It hurts me so mama.

7, If You Find Cheating on Your Boy/Girlfriend Easy

People who do not stick to one partner during relationship will have issues with being at marriage. Fidelity is a habit. It is not something you suddenly have because someone put a ring on your finger. A marriage certificate doesn’t confer ethics, it exposes the lack of ethics.

Admittedly, it is easier for women who were runs girls to ‘maintain’ at marriage but these girls have a shorter supply of immunity for temptation resistance than girls who were loyal. For men who were players, they hardly change; they just become more careful and more discreet after saying ‘I do’. That is when you hear a silly comment like ‘Men are polygamous by nature’. Crazy stupid talk!

Oh Lord I’m hurting now.

8, If You Are Under Pressure to Marry

Mothers worldwide are to blame for 90 percent of pressures heaped on single people to marry. ‘Your mates are married. You are not getting any younger. I want to carry your baby. When I was your age bla bla bla bla bla.’

Mama, don’t put your children’s head in a cooking gas because you want an in-law. Who in-law help? What is the ecological importance of in-laws?

Plus all these neighbours that would be asking ‘When will we eat your rice’ (I am seriously considering sharing buns and coke on my wedding); and friends who say ‘You are next in line’: You guys should give your life to Christ. You are only joking? stop it!

Back to mothers and parents, I am begging you people don’t let the devil use you.

But today it hurts me so/To go back to mama and say mama/I’m getting divorced.

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9, If You Are Too Big to Apologise After a Fight

Some people can keep malice for Africa. They look nice but their heart is a cage made of iron. They would rather die than make up a fight most especially when they think they are right. And we dey look for life partners. Okay.

You looked so beautiful and innocent.

10, If You Think You are not Ready

Then you are not. No matter how open-minded and emotionally stable you are, you are not ready for conjugal responsibilities. All these talks of ‘let me finish school first, let me serve first, let me work and look around a little first’ etc are mere excuses, red herrings for the main issue which is unreadiness.

Some guys say something like, ‘I need to enjoy my life first.’ Of course, this ‘enjoyment’ is a euphemism for an irresponsible lifestyle, bedding girls from coast to coast. YOU ARE NOT READY!

It’s not easy to understand it son
But I hope you’ll make it

You’ll be happy again

Bonus: If you are not following me on twitter @Oke4chukwu and you haven’t liked us on Facebook, you are not ready for marriage.  Period. Pass me the bottle.

Update: 7 Signs You Have Poverty Mentality