I am not going to talk about why she didn’t accept you. No, not now. There are a thousand and one and half reasons why she says no to your feeble proposal. Here, I want to lay bare the reasons why after accepting you and ‘eating’ your money (how much do you even have?) for six months or five years, she walks out on you, saying ‘it can’t work’ or ‘I need a break’ or ‘I found someone’ and all those clichés girls memorise from Nollywood. That is, if she is ‘mature’ enough, otherwise she just stops picking your calls and do everything in her power to avoid you, as though you are the prince of the cholera plague. When this happens you are heart-broken and want to drink water pie (or is it ota pia pia?). Not so fast, bro, let’s look at your (ex)queen’s reasons for saying ‘I CAN’T’.

1. You Don’t Have a Future. When a girl is contemplating whether you are the one or not, she consults her crystal ball and scowls into your future. It is not quite as hard as you think. She will look at the degree you have (Agric education) and then look at your family—you don’t have an uncle in the Ministry of Foreign Affairs and your father is a small-time pastor. She sighs. She adds everything up: your luck, manoeuvring ability and power to work miracles. She shakes her head. You are not a bad guy but your future isn’t just it. She loves you but can’t just settle for a primary school teacher, (love is not enough) and so she walks away. As simple as that.

break up
2. You Don’t Have the Means. Your future may be bright enough for her, but if you just can’t foot her bill today she is gonna leave, oga. She believes you will be a big shot in five to seven years’ time but because she is a pinging girl, she needs a man that will buy her the latest gadgets, a man that will furnish her apartment, spoil her with gifts, take her to malls, boutiques and to the beach. She just can’t do without eating shawarma, sandwiches, burritos, hamburgers, grilled chicken, meat/fish pies, pinna, pizzas, salads, and all those bullshits they sell in half-hygienic eateries. It doesn’t matter if she eats cocoyam at home, if you can’t give her these, you may be a keen poet (if you like) and the most romantic man on earth, she will still leave you. Poetry can’t recharge her phone, man. Romance won’t keep her landlord away. Ladies want a man with a future, accepted, but more than anything they prefer a man with future and money in his pocket NOW.

3. You are not her Level/Type. Now we have raised a problem, what the hell is ‘level’ and are there types of men? Why don’t you ask Google? No hard feelings but I can assure you, even your heart-breaker doesn’t know what these mean herself, but it is her reason (or you say, excuse) for walking out on you. Not knowing what it really means doesn’t change the fact that you are not just her type. Let’s attempt to see what on hell she means.

Let’s start with dressing. If you don’t dress well, you can’t be her type. You guys have a date and while she comes out on floral gown over leggings, you come out dressed like a farmer—dressed in your jump-up fading jeans trousers and un-ironed T-shirt. You are a joker and I bet you, she is going to leave you as though it is funny. You are shy, and lack confidence and hide behind her when she introduces you to her assorted clique. You can’t be her type.

If you have body odour (sorry for you). Bad breath (abomination!) If you don’t know how to laugh, or eat food with fork in your left hand; if you don’t comb your hair, forget it. If you are shorter than she is, bye bye for you, every girl wants a man she can look up to (except if you are as rich as Mikel Obi). If you are bony, ugly (how dare you, she wants Ramsey Noah), then you are not presentable. And can’t be her type. There are many reasons in this category, more reasons than the make up things in her hand bag even. Hundreds of reasons/excuses can out-type you and dis-level you. Just make sure you know where the rain began to beat you.
end of the road

The only consolation here is that your money (if you really have enough) can help you. If you are naira loaded, she starts to say things like ‘I can change him, trust me, I can’. But don’t be deceived, a girl with real class will still tell you and your ‘dirty’ money good bye, if you are not her type. You just have to code it, 21st century relationships are not for learners.

4. You are Aggressive. I don’t mean if you beat her up. No, no, far from it. If you beat her, you are a murderer (shame on you!). I mean ‘aggressive’. You see, an average woman thinks you are aggressive if you shout at her once in a week (or once a month even). Why will you shout at her at all? Because she ‘mistakenly’ dropped your fairly used Tecno? How much is it even? Which do you prefer, the phone or your love? If any of these questions for whatever reasons come up, then begin to fast and pray, the angel of break-up is in your neighbourhood. Her belief is that, if you shout at her today, chances are you will beat her when you marry her tomorrow, and she wouldn’t want that.

Or if you man-handle her in the name of play. Hmmm, man, you are not a gentle man. It is very acceptable for a girl to hit you, kick you and shove you. Perfectly normal. You just bear it like a soldier. If you (once in a year even) twist her arm, hehehe! You are aggressive and can’t be a gentleman. Jokingly, she may call you ‘aboki’, ‘idiot’ or ‘fool’ even, but man, you dare not revenge, at least not in her presence. Do you ever abuse your aunty (joke or no joke)? I tell you, your babe has more rank than your old-school aunt. It is bad enough if she says you are aggressive, but aggressive plus (including) insulting? Too much for you, man. She must go o.

5. You Are Not Understanding. My sister once said what women’s wants cannot be found in Onitsha Main Market. Such is her stupefaction on the list of women’s likes and expectations of their spouses that she concludes it couldn’t be found in one of Africa’s largest market places. ‘He is such an understanding guy’ is the best praise a lady can give to you. By this she means you have gone beyond Onitsha to get to the bottom of her mostly tacit but fiery desires. To win this pyramid commendation, you must be caring, romantic, fun to be with, a comforter, great listener; you must do whatever she likes doing, cook for her, sing for her, take a walk with her, call her twenty times a day. You have to be hyper-sensitive, know what she wants before she says it; do it even when she says ‘don’t worry, I will be fine’. This doesn’t mean you should cry for her. No, your duty is to present your wild strong shoulder for her weary head—some girls need a stone man when it comes to handling their problems but a soft hand when it comes to pampering… sighs…

Not yet, the list continuous: she wants an adviser, a fan, someone who trusts her so much and looks away even when she flirts with Uche… someone who never lies to her, never brags, never stands her up: someone who never complains when she keeps him waiting for two hours, who understands her thoroughly. Someone who never looks at other girls, etc. Wait, plus someone who never shows his anger, who apologises when she is at fault, who tells her she is the most beautiful woman on earth, who believes her most intelligent, who gives her gifts every time. Sigh… sigh… the list continuous but to save our time (and sanity)we can round it up by saying that she simply needs a guy from her favourite romantic novel.

Man, relationship is full time job. To win her understanding is like climbing a steep mountain, if you rush it, you are bound to take wrong steps, and slip into the sea of heart-break!

6. You Want Her Body. Forget that nonsense about ‘body no be wood’ and that every girl needs to be ‘touched’ now and again. Are you kidding me? Joe, wake up. There are many girls out there who really want to wait for marriage before they join you in bed. She loves you alright but she isn’t budging. If you love her, you have to wait. Sex is for marriage not for unmarried you and her. Some of these girls may allow you tentative kisses and hugs, but nothing more. If you pester her for sex, if you run your sand-paper hand on her lap at any opportunity you get, then she will leave you. Quite a number of girls really want to pursue God, and if you begin to look (yes, just look) like stumbling block, piam, she will fly away.

7. You are a Cheat. You think I’m not going to mention your weak point? Just saving your ‘best’ for the last. If you are a cheat, she will walk away. You are deceived by the silly maxim that ‘man by nature is polygamous’, abi? Okay, she will teach you that women are by nature unforgiving detectives. If she catches you or sees a discriminating text message or her friends whisper it to her or you continuously mistakenly call her Ada instead of Jumoke or your body language plays the Judas for you. Hmmm, you are finished. In fact, it doesn’t matter how she does it, if she catches you, your ‘I swear she is my cousin’ or ‘she is just a friend’ or ‘I don’t know what came over me’ or ‘it is you I love, just fooling with her’ etc will not save your head. Of course some silly girls will stay. But any sentient girl will leave you. You are not trustworthy and she knows that marriage won’t kill the dog in you, it will only make it wiser.

end of beingness

There are nearly four billion women on earth, thus it is extremely inadequate to get any seven items that can effectively explain why they put men’s heart in a cement mixer and turn and turn and turn. Although women as female, is biological (some say sociological), but every woman is actually an independent psychological being. Her level of exposure, maturity, intelligence, patience, confidence, self-belief, security, background, orientation, culture, religion, family/peer pressures etc. play major roles when she contemplates leaving. You just have to aspire to be lovable. You can’t kill yourself. Help what you can help and leave the rest to God (and her, the goddess). Sometimes a girl leaves an excellent guy because she is a heartless player and believes that hurting men boosts her ego. Inferiority complex is her problem. When they leave you, pursue them; if they resist let them go. Never beg her, for if it was meant to be she will give you waiver for your short-comings.

Now let’s discuss. Ladies, guys, wanna learn from you. Meanwhile, tweets to @oke4chukwu.