LETTER TO MY FUTURE HUSBAND

By Chika Alexis

Remember Chika, the lady who wrote To The Kitchen Oh Goddess? Well, she is here with this seminal bombshell. Chika is my co-pilot but she is mostly underground in the cockpit. It took the barrel of my automatic pistol on her neck to get her spit this to honourable passengers. Ladies and gentle, I present Chika to you; enjoy.

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To Whom It May Concern, since I am still undecided on the pet name to call you (your looks and generosity will play a big role here), you will have to bear FH (Future Husband) for now. At the appointed time, I will apportion you a really affectionate name. I am not famous for my romance, but I may surprise you.

There are a few things I’d like you to know before you go down on one knee (two knees will actually work better) and say, ‘Would you marry me?’ I paste this in the door-post of my heart. Devour and if you can cope with the arrows, knock. I would peep through the key-hole, if I like what I see, I would open the door. If I don’t open up, please stop knocking, I am not deaf (and blind); swallow your Adam’s apple and make way for others. I don’t want anyone standing on the driveway to my heart. It is either you are coming in or trying the next door.

1. Love Me Pieces. You see, I have learnt that wives must submit to their hubbies. In return, the hubby will love her pieces. I don’t think Apostle Paul used the phrase ‘pieces’ but it isn’t such a big crime. In fact, it will soften the blow of submission. I’m not used to submissions. We aren’t required to submit to boyfriends, see? My submission starts from the wedding night, anchored by your love.

Love the way I walk, the way I talk, nag, laugh; the way I cook, the things I cook; also, treat me like a queen, better than the English Queen… You would work hard but you would make out ample time to smear me with love, offend me with affections and hurt me with joy.

Coming with this, are a few sub-topics.

A. You Won’t Cheat (in any way or by any name you call it). Don’t even think abou’ it. Every other lady becomes a tree to you, the day you lead me down the aisle. Flirt not. I repeat, flirt not. Your sexy acts are copyrighted, and all rights reserved to our bedroom. You can’t love me pieces and look at her long legs for a second, and that cleavage for half a second. You won’t be blindfolded but your eyes are censored.

B. You Dare Not Beat Me. It isn’t part of submission, is it? What is that madness that some people say about beating in love? Bea-gini, in gini? I don’t row in such stupid boat. You daren’t poke me in the face, sef. I will offend you, so much; I will make you mad, why not? But I am your dream wife whom you love pieces. Never forget this.

C. No Late Nights. Except once in that sky-blue moon when you work late. We will have DSTV a’ home so you need not go to smelly corrugated iron shacks to watch Swansea. We watch them at home, my head on your laps (where else?). I am not crazy about football, but for your sake, I will try. If you must watch with a crowd, we would ask the gardener, cook and gateman join us. If the match coincides with Enjoying Everyday Life then we may have to toast a coin. But we may keep late nights when you want to spoil me a little, or when we attend night vigil in the church *winks*.

2. Two Kids. Preferably two girls. I know you want boys that might grow to men, marry, bear children and keep your name. Raising good children is my priority. But thankfully it is God who determines gender and we might end up with all boys (shudders), or boy and girl, or just girls (hallelujah). I will be the best mum ever, to them. But I assure you I won’t bear a team. With so much prayer, we could bear a third then slam the womb shut. The proof of manhood is not in the number of kids sired.

3. I Will Not Housewife. Read that again. I have a degree (for God’s sake) and I didn’t study Wifeology. My father didn’t have matrimony in mind when he sent me to study. I won’t waste my degree boiling potatoes and washing pampers. I will work, oh sugar, and earn a stipend. I promise, it won’t stop me from boiling potatoes and washing pampers. You see, the only thing better than boiling/washing is working to earn a percentage of the boiler and detergent.
Did I sound harsh here? Sorry, this is a topic I take too strongly. I won’t work in the bank, I promise; I won’t work inside a plane, I swear; God willing it won’t be 5 to 9 work. A decent 9 to 5 work will work sweet for us. It will be most romantic if I work in your company. What do you think, honey?

4. Joint Account. FH (enough of the sugar-honey stuff, diabetes is real), we keep a joint account. Calm down, calm down, I say; what’s the matter? You love me pieces, remember? So what are those lines doing on your forehead? Running a joint account will enable me keep tab of our income and enable us budget better, together. Ladies have a way of seeing what is not there, so, many liberal husbands (who love their wives pieces—like you do) now lay every card (or naira) on the table. Do you say money is a different ball game? I am not playing games here. We sleep joint bed, eat joint food, watch joint TV, and at the mention of finance you talk solo. There is God o, and there is trust o.

(Methinks it will work wonders if you imagine my 35,000 naira is 350 thousand and your 250 thousand naira is mere 25,000.)

FINALLY

FH, I wish to drop my pen here. I do that without revealing how tall, handsome and rich you should be. This information is classified. But I will not compromise on your faith. You must be a strong believer and follower of Christ. In truth o; not the kind of guys who pick up the Bible at the sight of Sister Angela. I will leave out small small details like in-laws boundary, visitations and donations because I trust you are matured enough. There are so many things I really need from my Future Man. But it isn’t bad to start from the above.

I will be watching.

husband material

#Chika studied Literature in the largest university in Black Africa. She writes non-fiction and enjoys reading good anything. She is an editor, critic, advisor, stakeholder, supporter and co-pilot of this blog. Chika is single.

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24 thoughts on “LETTER TO MY FUTURE HUSBAND

  1. Adeleke Julianah

    Wanted to post something to this effect on Z Channel but this sweet lady beats me to it!
    And I’m so glad she did, because I don’t think I would have say it any better than this! Gotta share on FB!
    Thanks K, for sharing this wonderful piece.
    By the ‘roadside’ I didn’t read that her other piece u mention. Kindly send me the link so I can go feed ma eyes.

    Like

    • HARD VOICES

      I can see that you have already shared on Facebook, thanks so much; I really want so much heat placed on this issue. But I insist you write your own article, we need your voice aired. No two opinions, no matter how agreeable, are the same.

      The Kitchen Article is linked on its title in the first paragraph. Enjoy. Thanks again

      Like

  2. Khemzynita Olatunbosun

    I read. I love what I read. Well, Chika nailed it firm and steady enough. Thumbs up. My FH, please take note. It might not be in my words directly but, that just it.

    #AtaCloseWatch

    Like

  3. muyisbanire

    Well, Chika, it’s good to hear from you, although not the way I anticipated it, rather dreamt. Had this vivid picture of running and giving you a hug, but anyways, Chelsea lost yesterday, guess that dream might still just happen. Now about my Mr FH, I like. Could feel the intensity behind it. You made me chuckle and everyone wondered if I was safe. It’s really a nice piece. You living in full fledge everything I expected from you. Wiki, I hail. *bows*

    Like

    • HARD VOICES

      It’s been a while man of God. I was very excited about this essay because I was sure it will draw so many irregular readers out. And it draws Muyisbanire out! Happy to see you here. It’s a shame we haven’t been in touch as much as memories demand. It isn’t too late.

      Chika is a great writer, just a little lazy, if we can get her writing more frequently, we would have a lot to talk about.

      Thanks for hailing Wiki, he hails back. #bowslower

      Like

  4. theinkheart

    Oga with voice like concrete, you should do a little tweaking on the article.. That said, I agree with some things Chika said but I strongly disagree with the Joint Account something. We will put money together in a trustfund accounts for our kids and miscellaneous but we keep our money separately. As long as you are a wise man, (which my husband will be), I don’t need to keep tab on your cash and tell you how to spend it; you will spend it like wise men do. I don’t mind late nights as long as we go together. We’ll party, be adventurous, keep date nights; all those things are kind of necessary to remind bae I’m still very much as fun as I used to be when we met.

    Nice one Chika, I like you 🙂

    Like

    • HARD VOICES

      I strongly agree with you about tweaking this… Thanks. That said I like the fact that you don’t buy all of Chika’s wish list. I believe everyone has a better understanding of her list. There are trusting husbands, there are suspicious ones; prudent ones, squanderers, they vary. We only hope for the best. But we agree that China has written a really written an important stuff.

      Happy to see you here once again.

      Like

  5. Adewoyin Joseph

    LOL. Ma’am has got it so figured out, someone should opt for customization. Thing is, FW is gonna have to put up with some things too ‘cuz FH can’t be entirely custom-made like a Rolls-Royce.

    – Ladies will remain female and “supple” to him, never trees. He’ll still look at the cleavage and long legs for about two seconds (hardly one second) ‘cuz his kind are wired that way. However, he’ll not be “adventurous” in that lane ‘cuz he will love you pieces; he musn’t cheat.

    – No late nights uh? Dear FW and FH, please don’t live in Lagos. Nowadays it’s not so rare to see guys who don’t care about what 22 adults do with a leather orb anyway. I wish you one. *smiles*

    – Ah finally, Joint Account! 97.25% of “Future Husbands” will give a side-eye accompanying “NO” to that idea (98% of Present Husbands already said “NO”), 1% of the remaining 2.75% will say “YES” cuz they’re at that overwhelming stage of love/loving where EVERYTHING Future Wife asks gets a YES. (source: SeñorJoe Bureau of Statistics, 2015). He will love you pieces so a full disclosure agreement is expected to be in play; there’s no need to form a cooperative society to keep tabs on your income and expenditure (I believe a fraction of the 2.75% above will say yes cuz they’re “experienced”. You can only effectively monitor a JA if you know all the sources of income; what if he dedicates another account you have no idea about for other sources of income?). FH will be a responsible adult who loves and trusts you, FW shouldn’t entertain monitoring spirit.

    I love this piece; the solid points and hilarity killed it. Great job Chika! Puts Dear Future Bae in a bit of perspective (more family-oriented than dating), from a madam’s point of view.

    Pardon my unsolicited epistle—and advert—Sir Kings, I tried so hard not to be Paul, but I failed! Please drag in Chika often.

    Like

    • HARD VOICES

      This is about the craziest thought-provocative comment yet here. The statistics! the counter-points! the humour! the reality! Senor, you are the bomb! This comment is a rare blessing, so “well researched”.

      I have read your linked article and I Believe many here will find it useful, most especially those guys who are thinking about writing Letter To Future Wife. Thanks, Joe for sharing Future Bae, thanks for sharing your had-earned research. I promise to drag Chika here, if you lie in ambush.

      Like

  6. Yemie

    Oh Mehn! You’re really for real though Chika, aren’t you?! Hahahaha!

    This is one helluva letter that’s sure to send this potential future hubby of yours into a tailspin of fits, seizures and then hypertension, if he’s lucky enough to survive the onslaught and not just pass out cold, altogether! *rme* LMAO!

    Plus, it’d be a great idea to have this total crack-up of a letter responded to by none other than Kingsley himself! I mean, you’re single and he is too…are y’all seriously thinking what I am thinking then?! Oh Yeah! *nodding affirmatively* #mischiefmodeactivated# ROTFLMAO!

    Great post, and on the heels of future hubby meeting all of these ‘demands and prerequisites’, I’ll wager too that you’d be bracing up to meet his, afterall; it takes two to tango and you’d better be ready for some form of ‘reprisal’, he won’t take these lying down, for shizzie! ROTFLMAO!

    Thanks for penning this Co-pilot and thanks for sharing Humor Merchant! You guys make a formidable team together, taking humor to a whole other level! Double thumbs up, keep rocking and ruling! Cheers! Mwah! LOL

    Like

    • HARD VOICES

      I have been looking up to this comment for days now. And here it is with all the Yemie fireworks. Mehn, this is you! Now what are you saying about me and her been single? what did you see? what do you mean? Do you want a civil war in the house? For one, I want 7 kids and for another I never attend night vigil and not only work keeps me out at mid-night. Chika is a real handful and she demonstrates the desire of a full househusband sort of.

      Respond to this post? Hmmmmm, I already have someone lined up to respond, that is if he will accept the heavy duty task. I like the fact that you see that even the letter writer must pass the FH’s tests, is never one-sided, and we should never emphasize one side alone! But it’s the woman’s world so we may not complain to loudly.

      My tag team with Chika has come a long way–at the campus, I was editor, she was vice; at the symposium committee, I was chair, she was vice chair; then in many group presentations were I was the group self-appointed chief researcher and she the scribe… even in politics, she was the godmother were I fathered (or faltered). Honestly, if this isn’t formidable, nothing is.

      Thanks Yemie for your persistent support. God bless.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Yemie

        Dang! You see why you’re the absolutely ‘bestest’ candidate to respond to this interesting letter then?! I mean all of the signs are oh so glaring and I DO have a snout as a matter of fact for sniffin’ out stuff! Call it ‘intuition and I’d say ‘right-ho’! *winks* LMAO!

        You guys did good, do more; you both sizzle! LOL

        PS: Am sorry I kept you waiting this long Kingsley, pardon the hiccups but if any else knows my story, then its you! Thanks for waiting up for me, always! Mwah! LOL

        Like

  7. Phait

    No No No 2 Joint account………Expense and vacation money yes bt joint account mbanu……
    I love the watching football @ home, no cheating…if nt head will roll……Beat me ke…..No no no even mere thinking of it sef is an offense sef

    Like

  8. Kelvin

    Waow! Beautifully composed.
    I’ve read it before but this is time I have it my full concentration. I really enjoyed it, every pieces.
    Well I don’t know if she’s still looking for FH, if she is I think I can fit for her terms and conditions. Lol
    Or maybe not, ‘cos am not ripe for marriage.
    Nice work dear. You’re amazing. Thumbs up.

    Like

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