CORPERS LODGE (EIGHT)

We dedicate this episode to all the corps members who would be hitting camp tomorrow. The struggle has begun, but the ball is in your court, most of the time.

For easier continuation we started with the last scene of episode seven. In case you missed it, you may read the full episode HERE.
*

Helen was having a wonderful time. She was sucking a lollypop and chattering. She would suck the sweet then feed me the sweet; I would suck for few seconds, then she would remove it and return it into her handsome mouth. So romantic. I just wished this was happening in 2017, a million miles from Osun.

Somehow, my hand fell on her chest.

‘I thought you were crippled.’ She laughed.

As I made to caress a knock sounded on the door. My hand snapped off as though it had been laid on electric cooker. I listened. The knock increased in sound and urgency.

‘Who is it?’ I couldn’t recognise my voice.

‘It is me,’ Uncle Dayo said. My heart sank.

‘Who is that?’ Helen asked as she put the lollipop in my mouth.

‘Please get up and put on something decent,’ I said.

Helen frowned. ‘Why?’

‘Kings, open the door na,’ Uncle called. I looked at Helen, ‘Please get something; it’s the NCCF uncle…’

‘And so? Is he a virgin?

I blinked at her.

She frowned at me. ‘Are you a virgin?’

I sighed.

‘What arrant nonsense,’ Helen said as she rose to her feet. ‘If he has never seen a woman in bum shorts before, let him say so.’

As Helen made for the door, the lollipop fell off my mouth.

Helen unbolted the door and snatched it open, and she stood in her skimpy dress before Dayo like Amber Rose before Pastor Adeboye. Their contrast was near darkness and light level. For what seemed a decade, saint and non-saint stood looking at each other too piqued by the other’s display of blatant righteousness/blatant iniquity to speak.

I wanted so badly to interfere, break the spell, douse water on perilous fire but I couldn’t get up because of what was happening in my crotch. I would rather be six feet under the earth at this moment than look his holiness in the eyes with the evident of my crime apparent, arrow-pointed.

‘Yeeey,’ someone exclaimed, then I saw Mercy swished past Uncle Dayo and stopped breathless before Helen, admiring my guest with unabated curiosity. She took Helen’s hands as IBK zoomed in. ‘Oh my God, she is beauriful!’

‘Aswear,’ IBK affirmed. ‘She is hot!’

‘Where is she?’ Agatha shouted as she entered, ‘I am here to see his babe o.’ Agatha, Tina, Fisayo and Fatima, in that order soon crowded my room, fussing around embarrassed and elated Helen.

‘She looks take-away,’Tina said.

‘What is your name?’ IBK asked.

Helen said Helen.

‘What a sweet name.’

‘Why do the good girls fall for bad boys?’ Fisayo asked. I began to frown but the whole room laughed, forcing a smile of me. I looked sharply at the door but Uncle was gone. In his place was Agu, smiling sheepishly, Edwin, smiling jealously, and Micah, leering. I wanted to throw something at the male contingent but gave up the idea as nothing was handy.

‘She is so fine,’ Fisayo said then she looked at me, ‘At least, someone will have acceptable-looking children.’ The room vibrated with laughter. I opened my mouth to return the hammer but Micah stepped on me and I gasped with pain instead.

IBK looked at me and warned, ‘If you ever look at my legs again, I will cut of something. You dare look at me even when you have someone like Helen!’

‘If you cut of something,’ Edwin said, ‘Helen will leave him.’ The room dissolved into a fit of cough and laughter.

‘She should leave him,’ Faima said. ‘She should go date another until he finds work in an oil company.’

‘I swear, he can’t maintain this beaut with 19,800 naira,’ Edwin said. Everyone cackled.

‘Have you seen my beautiful baby?’ Tina sang. ‘Have you seen my tomato baby?’ the others chorused. Agatha sped away and returned with a bottle of inexpensive wine just as they sang, ‘better soup na money kill am’. Helen, that mad girl, did a little dance to the tune and the room exploded into a circus. The ladies ululating, Agu whistling and Edwin clapping fat palms. I wiped the sweat on my face as I rose to my feet, standing by Helen, the reluctant groom.

‘I have something to say,’ Agatha was shouting for audience. The mob calmed down and listened. ‘This is a bottle of very expensive wine in my hand,’ she waved the bottle of cheap fruit wine. ‘We are going to toast for love. K is a good neighbour…’

‘And a renowned troublemaker,’ IBK added.

‘Yes,’ Agatha agreed, ‘a real pain in the ass—’ my mouth fall (everyone was laughing and leering, Helen a little embarrassed)—‘who has been conquered by love.’ ‘Or lust,’ an idiot added inaudibly. Agatha began to unscrew the cork and then pop! They cheered. I nearly smiled.

‘To long lasting love between our Achebe and Helen,’ Micah announced.
They cheered.

‘Now, let’s hear what our Achebe has to say.’ ‘Fake Achebe,’ that idiot added.

I smiled. Thanks Micah, I would cut this mob down to size. I would cause them serious injury with my tongue. I would show them who was in charge. I cleared my throat. Then Dayo poked his head into the room and his betrayed gaze met my eyes. Power left my joints.

‘Please excuse me,’ I said, pecked Helen, nodded to Micah and went after Uncle Dayo.

Dayo was seated on the bench in the veranda. He looked up when I came out but my eyes took refuge in the graveyards opposite us. ‘Sit down,’ Dayo said, meaning besides him. Ah, I am not qualified to sit by His presence, I wanted but couldn’t muster the energy to say. I sat beside the venerable. It is better to die in His presence anyway.

Dayo gave me a piece of paper. My heart sank when I saw it. ‘Read it,’ he said, his eyes on my face. I already knew what it was even before I collected it, but I read it all the same, perhaps it wasn’t that bad. It was worse.

Dear Sir,
How is your daughter, Jumoke? She has been acting strangely of recent. Why don’t you take her to the hospital and check her thoroughly. Do all manner of tests including pregnancy test on her. Thanks.
From a Christian brother who doesn’t approve of abortions.

‘Who wrote that?’ he asked.

I had written this more than a week ago but I completely forgot it under my pillow. This morning, in my mad rush to make my room habitable for Helen, I had remade my bed, rearranged things, dusted, wiped, cleaned and swept away. That was how I swept away this letter-bomb and somehow, his eminence had gotten hold of it and recognised my duck-crawls handwriting. Now I was cooked, thoroughly.

‘Who wrote this letter?’ Dayo repeated.

I strangled a sigh. Dayo shook his head, caught by the tail of my eye. ‘I am really surprised at you,’ he said. ‘A lodgemate must have impregnated a villager but rather than confront him and preach against murder you hid and wrote this silly letter. What kind of a kingdom person are you?’

I found my toes attractive, as I studied the floor.

‘Children are a heritage of the lord, haven’t you read about that?’ It could have been my father scolding me, it could have been worse than my father even. ‘I don’t know how long ago this is, but I believe the baby is still alive. You must save that baby.’

I looked at Dayo sharply. He nodded. ‘Yes, you have to save the baby’s life.’ He rose to his feet then, ‘Or on the last day, God will tell you, I was in the womb and you let them abort me.’

My jaw sagged; Dayo left.

Then it came, anger and hatred, slowly for Agu. It started from the soles of my feet, bit hard at my ankles, crawled through my legs, hitting hard at my knee-caps, then snaked past my laps, crushed my waist, swam into my belly and squeezed my intestines in a nefarious knot, then bulldozed its way into my heart, burnt my heart. My heart was on fire for a long second before it made through my neck, rushed into my head, filling my brain with hot disgust.

I stamped to my feet, grabbed at the iron pole and shook it. I wanted to uproot it, dash into my room and beat Agu into a paddy. But as soon as I touched it, my hatred was replaced with cold common sense and lamed frustration. I wouldn’t afford to be rash.
Slowly, I made to my room. I opened the door to a pandemonium of cheers, jeers and idiocy.

‘Absent from your party!’ Mercy accused.

‘Hey, come righta here,’ IBK ordered. But they stopped short when they saw the debris of my crumbled face. ‘What is it,’ Micah asked, ‘someone died?’

I nodded. They caught their breath in fearful unison. ‘Who?’

‘Our principal.’ I swear I didn’t say this; it just fell off my lips.

‘Chimoo,’ someone exclaimed.

‘It can’t be true,’ Agatha said.

I kept a poker face.

‘What killed him?’ Fisayo asked.

‘Who told you?’ Edwin enquired.

‘They are talking about it all over the town,’ I droned.

‘Chai, that good man.’

I sighed. The principal wasn’t popular among us. He didn’t welcome us for weeks when we were posted here, and had refused to act upon our complaints of leaking roofs, mal-wired electricity, ‘toiletial’ problem and general welfare. But between the last time they saw him and his ‘death’, had transformed from the epitome of official malevolence into a near-saint. Nigerians!

The sad news stood in the room like a bad smell until every one of the partiers left with sagged shoulders. Helen came and put her hands around my neck. ‘I am so sorry to hear this darling. You must have liked the man.’

I nodded. ‘He was like a father to me.’

‘Eiyeah,’ Helen buried her head on my shoulder, ‘God will comfort you.’ If not for the foreboding of Jumoke’s pregnancy, I would have burst out laughing. But I couldn’t help it when, a few minutes later, I picked up my phone and saw that Edwin had updated his Facebook status with, ‘Rest in peace, my Principal. God knows best’. I hugged my pillow and laughed at the top of my voice.

‘What’s it?’ Helen was shocked. But I only reeled, ‘Bwebwebwe-hehehehe-hehuhehu-hahaha-hohahahuuh….’

‘What is it na? Are you mad?’

I forced a pause. ‘Edwin…’ I choked, ‘Edwin and the principal—hic—are friends on Facebook,’ and I dissolved into salty particles of mirth.
Click here for Episode Nine

Tweets to @Oke4chukwu

Advertisements

40 thoughts on “CORPERS LODGE (EIGHT)

  1. Adeleke Julianah

    Hahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!
    Gobe of the first degree!
    Yay!!! Kai, why are you like this naa!
    Hahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! Sombori hep me to stop laffin o! Yeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyy!!!!!
    Hehehehehehehehe!!!!!
    Oh boy eeeeeeeeh!!!! No b small tin o! Hahahahahaha!!!!
    Wow, such hilarious episode after one month break.
    A befitting come back writeup.
    Nice one
    Excellent narration as always.
    Don’t keep us in suspense anymore o!

    Like

  2. Annie Walter

    I cldnt help but comment! Hilarious piece! Nice narrative esp d part of where d anger started from d feet upwards d body,kai! But I’m beelfing u corpers of 19,800,in my time it was meagre 9,800,u shd be living the life and not getting broke as u alwys write here,lol Guy u r too much! Infact when I saw ur email I danced shoki,thank God u r bk hopefully,lol

    Liked by 1 person

    • HARD VOICES

      Thanks for commenting. Blogging is mostly about the conversation it inspires. On the issue of 19k I assure you it deserves no beef. This money comes with its attendant money sucker. It’s a miracle that we survive 30 days so.

      Love your comment, especially where you danced shoki. Lols. Catch you next week

      Like

  3. Saint Gab

    So you went to reinforce huh? I don’t know wether to call this piece a comedy-tragedy or tragi-comedy. Its really captivating and interesting to read.

    Like

  4. Yemie

    First, I really gotta thank you Kingsley, for heeding the clarion call to continue on, with the posting of this pretty exciting series! Thanks a bunch, you rock….PIECES! 😎😃

    Whatever’s with all ’em gatecrashers and downers?! Two’s company, three’s a crowd; but this multitude of busybodies, playing gooseberries….I just dunno! Why couldn’t they just take the cue like Uncle D and beat it already?! Spoilers, the lots of ’em! Yuck! 👿😈😂

    By no stretch of my imagination, could Edwin be called discreet, nuh-uh; whatever was he thinking?! Jeesh! 🙆😞😨
    That Principal dude’s gonna jump right outta his skin, when he happens upon his obituary, as announced by ‘Tell Tale Tommy’ aka Edwin; the towncrier cum talebearer, all for free! He didn’t even think to confirm the news abi rumor, and know the family’s stance on taking it to town before splashing it on his wall like its some cheery old news….he’s soo in for it, his next pay’s on the line for sure! 😂😆

    As for you Kingsley, you just don’t know when to stop do you?! Oh Wow! Alarm bells started to ring, once I was able to figure out your next move! It just had to be a prank ’bout the Pricipal having kicked the bucket se?! The Fisayo episode and brush with death, or shall I say ‘near-death’ experience, taught you absolutely nothing I see! Death, Cemetery, You…’Fooo-reaky! 👻💀

    You’re in rare form though, are you?! 😯😡. That which you did on the sly, is right ’bout now being made public knowledge, and Edwin’s not gonna bear the brunt alone! He’s taking you with him so get thee ready….you both are going down! Heads will roll! 😂😂😂

    Next episode should be real interesting! You know what Humor Merchant…..just bring it already! Get on with it and thanks for always! Life’s sooo much worth living; when laughter’s within reach, an easy cllick away! Nagode! 🌞🙏👉

    Like

    • HARD VOICES

      Mehn, this comment is up there with the best 1% comments of WordPress. You took your time to do this. Precious time. This is not the kind of comment you respond to with an empty belly. I plead for adjournment. I will get back to you, but first let me care of this pounded yam.

      In the main time, remain blessed for this.

      Like

  5. Adewoyin Joseph

    First you moved from being a cripple to a sharp-i-lolo, “somehow”; and then you killed the principal within a blink, with lots of fun in between. Who else thinks speedy social media experts cum “Off-Air Personalities” like Edwin should be occasionally flogged to stupor?

    Customize the Lord’s prayer for yourself ASAP; “…deliver us from Helen (not evil)” should be a good start. 🙂

    I love this Kings; every line is a reason to laugh.

    Like

    • HARD VOICES

      Deliver us from Helen, for cemetery Lodge is her queendom, her beauty and temptation, so save me God…

      Edwin On Air Personality? Haha, Joe has dropped another shell. Oh yes, Edwin should be flogged till he becomes a bag of manure with which Agu will be buried alive for causing his Holiness to anger.

      The principal, it’s now his life or Edwin. This village cannot contain the two blokes. Thanks Senor for blogging with me yet again. Thanks too for the retweets. You rock, walahi talahi

      Like

  6. chinenye

    Lwkmd! So you are back?! One question, why are you so scared of uncle dayo? By the way, I love helen,my type of girl. Hilarious episode as always, I like the way your mind works kingsley.

    Like

    • HARD VOICES

      Yes I am back, as you have noticed. Why am I scared of Uncle Dayo, well, Uncle Dayo is a powerful man of God, just like me. Except that I fall into temptation once awhile. And I don’t want Dayo to report me to God, or on the last day, testify against me. I want to be right before Uncle Dayo and God. On the last day, who knows, I might enter heaven using Dayo’s access card (I am careless and may loose mine). In short, you won’t understand. The discipleship of me under Uncle Dayo defiles human faculty. Somethings are just too mysterious for you mortals.

      I trust you to like someone like Helen. Who no know you?

      Thanks for dropping by, Ms Nweke. Drop again.

      Like

  7. Roborkaybee

    Ook…u hav no idea hw excited i was seeing d notification of dis episode..n dat gets to end d in-utero beef i’ve been nursing for days….

    I wont say welcome bk…

    *wat else were they expecting? so they actually tot u wud go down without a fight, they havnt seen anytin yet..show dem pepper!! i am solidly behind u jore ( buh dat doesnt mean i hav stopped beefing u for ur absence)

    *grins* oya tell me sorry!!!!

    nyz one bro

    Like

    • HARD VOICES

      Sorry sir. Sorry sir. Sorry sir. Are you placated? Hope you aren’t going to press charges. Come on, be a fair butcher, freeze your beef. We are back. Thanks for reading, thumbs up for being solidly behind me in this denouement. I will show them grind pepper, trust me. I will. Let’s do this next week, bro.

      Like

  8. myekleticafair

    One word for this episode: epic! (*big grin*)
    One word for the ending: evil (*grimace”)
    One word for my imagination: stoked to high heavens (*sigh*)

    This is exceedingly magnificent man! This deservers a /Puh-lee-tzar/…and I guess your alter ego, the protagonist, blogs too? (@our own Achebe…) Or is it just ‘cos he teaches English is the bush? (incidentally Achebe’s first career move too, though his was entirely voluntary and was in his native igboland *wink*). Though if my surmise is correct, then Homer must beware of the forty winks, and the nods which presage it (I know you shall decode sire…*wink* again).

    I must relieve my aching arms, but my pleasure has been duly registered, and please let Helen not spoil Ibk’s designs on King o; I detected some bush chemistry there (or was it bush alchemy? *rotfl*).

    Talent: A Musing
    Finely distilled out
    In high endeavour or low
    Suffused through with flair…
    Iroko 07/05/2015
    To Kingsley, a talented blogger and storyteller

    Like

    • HARD VOICES

      One word for this comment, funny. One word for the commenter, naughty. One word for the format, all rounder–you combined prose, drama and poetry, as usual. Your signature comment. I am encouraged by this. IBK has a design on who? Are you for real, and why do you keep throwing ‘bush’ up and down? Are you sure you are not typing from some Bush?

      Anyway, thanks for coming here. The forty winks in question has been put on a nebulous trend of intangiblity, hope you code. See you next week. Continue to cover my back. Sooner or later we should tell better who the protagonist really is.

      Like

  9. mosesabubakar

    their own Achebe has delivered another sizzling episode again. Though I didn’t laugh like the previous episode, its still a nice piece with lessons to heed. Keep the pen flowing bro.

    Like

    • HARD VOICES

      Haha, their own Achebe. I am happy to see one person who has read beyond the laughs. It is refreshing to hear people talk about lessons learnt from my art. And this series is mostly for the lessons.

      Na gode baba na

      Like

    • HARD VOICES

      Haha, I really wish Edwin done…

      No be small omalichanwa o. You know Mee, I love the way you follow this series, reading them up at your calm pace. Thanks for blogging with us

      Like

WE ARE BURNING TO HEAR WHAT YOU'VE GOT TO SAY

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s