CORPERS LODGE (ELEVEN)

This is for Batch A corps members who are leaving camps today for their various places of primary assignments. As for those coming to Cemetery Lodge, well, we will graciously provide you with shock absorbers.
As usual some people missed last episode; some people, click HERE. Thanks

I had gone to the market to buy soup things. Ugu leaves had been scarce since November and as I haven’t learnt to eat ewedo, efo and a dozen other vegetables flooding the marketplace, I decided to buy just okra and cook it with ponmo. I bought ponmo but there was no okra anywhere for me. I roamed the marketplace which wasn’t bigger than two lawn tennis courts for vile minutes, then waited for viler minutes, no okra. As I couldn’t return the ponmo, I decided to go home and make ponmo pepper soup. After all, it isn’t what you eat that defileth a man.

While trekking to the lodge I kept passing my students on their way to school, but they didn’t greet me. Those who bothered just said ‘uncle o’ which I dully ignored. While growing up in Kaduna, it was believed that Yoruba people have so much respect, but these ones had since proved this to be a criminal lie. Micah said that those who have respect were the ones that Awolowo gave free education, not these yeye children.

When I entered the lodge I discovered that my keg of water which I reserved for my cooking was empty. ‘Who took my water?’ I shouted.

‘It’s me, your sweetheart,’ IBK said from her room. She came out of the room and blew me a kiss. Fetching water in this village was a difficult task and I had told IBK in a moment of recklessness she could fetch from my keg when she needed it. Even at that I wanted to shout at her and tell her a piece of my mind but something stopped me. Perhaps it was the blown kiss or the fact that I owe her 12,000 naira, or both, that stopped me.

I entered my room and collapsed on the bed like a pole when you machete it a dozen times.

I opened the chapter of my situation and began to ponder over it. I had paid my okada man, the welcome due, my tithe and made provisional purchases. Now I have less than 10,000 naira with me. From now till the time I travel for Christmas I must have spent three thousand naira. Now 7 thousand naira wouldn’t be enough to transport myself to Anambra and still do big boy at home. And I was too thin. Now, I have this crazy aunty at home who would shout and embarrass me if she saw me like this; she would scream, ‘Don’t people have food in Osun State, or is it HIV? Talk true. Chei, my husband is finished o!’

I didn’t tell you, General Gowon had returned to Plateau State after four days here, to resume January (that’s by the way). Now, what my body needed was ora soup and he-goat meat, every day. I could only get this in Ikirun, and the Owerri woman who cooks this ora prices it far above rubies. My 10 thousand naira wouldn’t get me a dozen meals from this woman. I hissed and turned in my bed.

‘Are you not going to school today?’ IBK peeped into my room.

‘Yes.’

‘Pregnant corper,’ she said and disappeared before I could throw a bad word. I pouted my lips to hiss but my phone charged to life, interrupting my lips mid-hiss. The incoming call was from and unregistered number. ‘Hello,’ I snapped.

‘It’s me.’ Chiemeke.

My lips tightened. How did he get my number?

‘I am in the bank right now,’ he said, ‘what’s that your account number?’

I looked at my ponmo tied in the nylon bag lying in a corner like a dead cat. I looked at my palms turning white like a corpse’s for lack of vegetable, ora to be precise. I heard my aunty’s shrill voice, ‘Ewo o, my little husband has become a rake o.’

‘Hello,’ Chiemeke said, ‘you there?’

‘I am busy,’ I ended the call. What kind of evil spirit is this?

The phone began to ring, I rejected the call. It charged to life soon afterwards, I rejected it again. I waited with my thumb over the end button but it didn’t ring. ‘Nonsense,’ I said and returned my back to the mattress.

‘Fool,’ something inside me cursed, ‘collect that money and do something useful with it.’

‘Don’t try it, remember you are a man of honour,’ another something said.

The first laughed. ‘Keep deceiving yourself.’

The second countered and the two began to exchange tongue lashes, driving me crazy. ‘Sharrap!’ I shouted. ‘You people are disturbing me. If you want to argue, go look for another accommodation.’ Why would people who enjoy free accommodation in your body want to drive you crazy?

But they continued to argue as though I had spoken Korean. I picked myself up, dusted myself and left the room for the two mad dogs. They followed me, cursing each other.

‘Send your account number, idiot.’

‘Shut up, goat.’

I hurried towards my school. I needed to come in contact with civilisation before these rascals would cause leakage on my head and breeze would enter my brain and my name would enter the Village Book of Record for people to one day say, ‘There was this corper who woke up one day and began to pick papers in the roadside, just like that.’ God forbid.

Halfway to the school I heard a deafening roar. I increased my pace. When my legs reached the gate my eyes saw a rowdy atmosphere. Students were about jumping with wild excitement. I saw corps members running with angry purpose to SSII block. I ran after them and caught up with Agatha. 
‘What the hell is happening?’

‘A student slapped Mercy.’

‘Whaaaat!’

Micah and three or so female corpers have reached the block and were challenging a massive boy who stood with his hands in his pockets. A thug in uniform. They shouted at him but they didn’t touch him, he dared them to. I reached for my belt but stopped. I didn’t trust my trousers to remain in my waist if I unbelted and moreover I needed something that would draw blood. My eyes began a crazy rummaging of the earth and fell on Mercy whimpering under a cashew tree. This broke my heart and I rushed towards the boy.

Edwin burst out from thin air, rushed with his six months pregnancy and crashed stomach-first into the boy and the two landed with a big bang. The boy fought like a wild cat but he wasn’t match to the lorry that had fallen on him. But as Edwin raised his fists to rain blows the boy managed to slip out of the grip and kicked to his feet. Micah slapped him on the face and he turned to assault Micah but my slap blinded him for one and a half seconds, before he could recover my other hand thundered and he staggered. Edwin crashed into him again and the two fell with a thud that shook the earth. The school roared.

Pinned to the ground I kicked the boy’s ribcage. Not satisfy with this I grabbed his foot. Micah grabbed the other and we stretched hard until the boy was forced out of the wreckage of Edwin. A normal human being should have died but the boy kicked so hard, we let go of his legs. He rushed towards Micah with clenched fist but a devilish wood crashed on his back, slowing him. As he turned to look at the person who hit him Agu slammed the club on the side of his head. The boy fell down without a sound. Agu lifted the club to hit the unconscious body but I grabbed it. He let go the weapon, rushed and lifted a rock but Uncle Dayo grabbed it. ‘Do you want to commit murder?’

Agu let go and rushed forward, students scattered in terror like birds at a crash of gunshot. He didn’t find what he wanted and turned. He rushed to the body and stamped on him. He raised his leg for the second time, Dayo pushed him. ‘Are you mad?’

Micah and Edwin hugged Agu. He fought them but they held him tight and began to drag him away.

Agu!

The ladies had now made a protective circle around Mercy and were leading her home. I made to join them when my phone vibrated to life and began a rude ringing. I snatched it from my pocket and barked at Chiemeke, ‘What is it?’

‘Guy man, send me your account na.’

My anger filled my head with awful gas it made my head soft like bladder. ‘If you ever call this line again, I WILL DESTROY YOU!’

Click here for the next episode

After a special meeting last week, Hard Voices board picked June as the return month for Sade Season Three. This is exactly nine months after the last bang of season two.
The board rightly feel there are so many bad boys about and decided it’s time Sade kicked some ass. You don’t know Sade? Well, click HERE and get a dangerous peep into her world.

Tweets to @Oke4chukwu

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33 thoughts on “CORPERS LODGE (ELEVEN)

  1. Saint Gab

    Permit me to tag this episode “Our corpers have gone mad again”. Its really hilarious.
    But come to think of it, cementary corpers have just been united because of that student or is it mere show of pride? This is captivating.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Super Dann

    Agu! Hope he hasn’t commited murder already…I have no idea you have board members o. But its good news to us, Sade is coming back to clean the streets!

    Like

  3. Adeleke Julianah

    To say I was excited while reading is the greatest understatement one could think of.
    So glad our corper no take bribe! 😀😀😀
    As for #SadeHaram coming back?
    I did a crazy dance!
    Beautiful!!!!
    Your imagination is beyond outstanding Kingsley. Keep it up.

    Like

  4. Yemie

    Omo mehn! You guys oughta be ashamed of yourselves! Haba!!! Four to one isn’t exactly a fair match, plus; what was that hostile boy on steriods or something?! Damn! He just wouldn’t back down with all of the fury unleashed, by the lots of you on him! He had it coming anyhow; assaulting a girl in the way he did and his teacher for that matter, am guessing….the nerve! 😠😡

    Dude really wearied you guys out sha! 😂😂😂This Agu though……I dunno! He woulda just commited manslaughter in a fit of pure rage and furore, reason be damned! Eish! 😩😨

    Chiemeke seems to always know just the right time to deal his cards, that part got me stitches! He wants that post bad and wont take no for an answer! Wanna see how long you keep it together Warlord, I mean; Esau musta felt this exact way back in the days when that hot steaming bowl of pottage, brought alive by well seasoned and spiced Venison, was staring back at him! Kingsley, just think Owerri woman, Ora Soup and Ilesa! Just think bout the many possibilities and miracles Chiemeke’s dough’s sure to bring! Just think….😈! Ponmo for how na?! Think again! 👿😆😂

    Sade had better not returned as a living dead seeing as you made a ‘winch’ outta her in ‘Tea or Coffin’! Will be on the look out for that one!

    Great going Humor Merchant, thoroughly enjoyed reading this particular episode! You’re one very funny being, I never see! Thumbs up, doubly! 👍👍😄

    Like

    • HARD VOICES

      Let me start from the last paragraph, up. I am a funny being you never see, now you are contradicting yourself. I am warlord, remember?

      Sade doesn’t need to return as a living dead to kick public ass. She can’t even die. Once she died and the whole people in the land of the death began to demonstrate and riot, Sade was returned to life.

      I don’t need a bloody Chiemeke to do Owerri, to do ora. He’s a stinking childish punk, and I won’t touch his money with a rake. If Ilesa can’t wait I can as well trek it. I am wiser than Esau now, haba, no basis for comparison.

      Agu is the main man, dude should get a medal for service to the clarion call.

      Ashamed for what? You never see anything. The shame here is that Agu beat me to the club… Chei, it’s well. Another fight go soon come sha. God will make do it again.

      Yemee, you are the best and we love you pieces.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Adewoyin Joseph

    Biko wait! General Gowon returned to Plateau State, to resume January, for what? NYSC grants Paternity Leave now? Or is it Coup Leave? Someone has to explain.

    Never knew you have a black man’s blood in you. The way y’all thrashed the thug, epic! I never experr-ed it! When a contract is illegal, it is void already. Let Chiemeke credit your account and get some ora soup into your blood stream please. He should sue you and explain to the world how a “generous gift” from a kind man of integrity translates to bribery, when he finally lost the CLO-ship.

    Dropping hot posts steadily and starting Sade Haram soon, when “some people” have not written in what seems like months! Kings, I join hands with Brother Walt in holy oneness and state the fact: You’re on fire! You dey hawtt gan.

    Like

    • HARD VOICES

      Lols. Coup leave ke. No sir. If the general is to take a leave, it will be leave for the aged. That’s how NYSC rows o, batches who come in November usually go home till January. Their luck.
      I am a black man through and through. If correcting a tout who dared the impossible is the zenith of blackness, then let me pack my load and go live in the Everest of thick blackness.
      Chiemeke na small boy. If he credits my account I will die and my dead body will not touch it. What the boy needs isn’t CLO, he needs tutorial on maturity. Aswear.
      So you done join Walter in the (un)holy pact of yabbing me abi. There’s God sha.
      Triple thumbs up, sir!

      Like

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