JUST ONE ERECTION SIR

I don’t know what we are doing in Lagos. With election less than three weeks away, we should be elsewhere, probably meeting with potbellies from the north, arm-twisting them, threatening them, cajoling them for wheelbarrow full of their people’s votes; doing anything that would help our course.  Anything but this; this meeting with the youth and listening to copy and paste musicians. How many votes are they worth? I have asked the president but he brushes me aside.

We need to show the people that we are not panicking, he explains. I am in the gallery with him and sulking, but the president doesn’t notice. He no longer looks at my face; he no longer takes my advice.

I am seated behind the president watching as musicians after musicians performed their half-baked songs. We ought to ban these songs like we banned gay union. But I am not paying enough attention. This afternoon, some of my contacts told me they saw the general entering a London hospital, and they promised to get a photo of him lying on a bed, taking drip. Of course we all know that the general didn’t just go to London to deliver that speech Obama’s people wrote for him; he is sick and is having British doctors work on his 73 year old fragile body. The opposition knows that we know; they just know that we cannot prove it. They have dismissed all our alarms as propaganda. So I asked my contacts to get that picture. If they cannot get a picture of him taking drip, they should get a picture of him being injected in the bottom, at least. A picture of the general’s retired bumbum will cause civil war in the media. But, who cares? No road is too far to be taken in our quest to remain in power for another juicy four years.

At musical breaks, party big shots will climb the podium and say some real sweet things about the president and some damaging things about the general. Very boring. No one is convinced. I am sure half of the youths here haven’t collected their PVCs. Total waste of time.

I dialled the number of my London contact. The general is still in the hospital, he says. No, he hasn’t gotten the photo but the photographer is inside the hospital, doing his best. They will get the photo before the end of the night. I sigh; I end the call.

The Youth Leader of our party is now giving his speech. Why they call him a youth leader beats me. He is fifty-seven, but he is the youngest youth leader in the history of our party. I suspect that even his fifty-seven is a football age, the man looks sixty-something. But he isn’t important to our government, let him have his fifteen minutes fame and go away while I concentrate on the big matters at hand. 

My phone rings. It is my London contact. I connected the call with wild immediacy. ‘Yes, yes, you got the photos?’

‘We are unto something,’ he exclaims, ‘my contacts say that the general has been rushed to the theatre for surgery. He says it’s kidney or something.’

My face beams with joy. ‘You don’t mean it!’

‘I swear,’ he says. ‘I have spoken to a nurse and she said she will get us the photo of the general just as the doctor open his chest and is removing the kidney.’

‘Oh, oh!’ I scream. The president turns and glares at me. I smile an assuring smile at His Excellency but his eyes shoot bullets into my body. I don’t fall dead because the news I just heard has enveloped my body like a bullet proof vest. Wait until I tell him the good news, his face that he squeezes like touch meat will soften like buns and he will be handsome for one minute.

‘It will cost you small money,’ my contact is saying.

Of course. I don’t expect the nurse to break such professional ethic in an empty pocket. ‘How much?’

‘250 thousand pounds,’ he says.

‘Just get the damned photos.’

The president is sitting on an executive sofa all by himself. People have been coming to sit with him and whisper one or two lies to him. Liars. I am the only one who tells the president the truth but he never listens to me. He will today. I rise to my feet and circle to the presidential sofa. The president frowns at me as I squat before him. ‘Good news, sir,’ I say.

‘Has INEC chairman resigned?’

‘No sir… it’s the general. He is heading for the theatre for kidney surgery right now. My contacts are sending the pictures in a matter of minutes.’

‘You don’t mean it,’ the president’s eyes are bulging so much I fear they will fall and stain my white caftan.

‘I swear sir.’

The president pats me on the back.

‘Sit with me.’ I am smiling from ear to ear as I take my seat beside the most powerful black leader. ‘This calls for celebration!’

‘Absolutely, sir. We have caught them red-handed… sir.’

But the president is not paying attention to me. I follow his gaze to a beautiful lady approaching us—beautiful and half-dressed. She wears something that covers just half of her exotic breasts and stops at the midfield of her succulent laps. As the chief of staff it is my duty to arrange the president’s meetings, making sure only important people see him, but it is too late; even the armed forces cannot stop this temptation from the opposition from reaching us. I look at the president; he is lost in her ecstasy.

‘Mr President,’ I say, ‘please don’t be carried away; just one erection sir, and you will lose the election!’

The president turns to look at me. ‘What is happening inside your trousers?’ he points.

I swallow my Adam’s apple. ‘But, sir I am not contesting for president!’

Tweets to @Oke4chukwu

They say you can’t stay a day without water, but I know someone who has gone two whole seasons without water and food. Her name is Sade, she’s coming back in June!
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8 thoughts on “JUST ONE ERECTION SIR

  1. Adeleke Julianah

    Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!
    This is so hilarious, yet embedded with some covered truth.
    Kai Kingsley!!! Lols.
    Nice one.
    As for #SadeHaram returning, I can only adjust and tighten my seat belt! 😀😀😀

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Heedriz Depearl

    Jajajhahajajahahaja. This is like super cool. I strain to put my characters in the present but this just jolts me. Me likey. Some offside “stoffs” going on there. Well, at least we know why they got their red card! *ROTFL* coolies.

    Like

  3. Yemie

    Wow Kingsley, you’ve really gotta be shittin’ me right now! This highly satirical piece up here’s the highest definition of ‘crazy, insanely whatever-in- the- heck-were-you-thinking’ funny! What’s more, you hit the nail right a-top the head like BANG! BANG!! BANG!!!! 😂😂😂

    You see, I was ‘priviledged’ to view a few clipses of the charade and wishywashy antics of some hungry and money crazy artistes as they did their hero’s worship of the past president while he lounged on a sofa, grinning from ear to ear inthis large events hall swamped with sycophants and hypocrites! Of course, I didn’t; COULD NOT sit through the entire time the show of shame aired for obvious reason- it was a sight for sore eyes especially the mudslinging of the name and reputation of the newly appointed Presido! That was pretty cringe-worthy, style-cramping and I just tuned off!! Goofballs, all of ’em!! Upon all of their ‘gra gra’, they ended up being the biggest losers! All of their ‘politricking’ and propaganda came to nought! Psst! 😎😆

    A wonderful piece Humor Merchant and I gotta agree with that aide guy, he’s not exactly the one signing up to contest any election, therefore; erection’s pretty much allowed and His Excellency oughta understand that and get with the programme rather than resorting to asking lame question ’bout the seemingly obvious! Infact sef, its really not what he thinks or might not think it is! For all we know, a big rat may have crept in there! 👿 Clueless is as clueless does, so no surprises there at all!! *tsking* 😂😂😂

    Thanks buddy, way to go! 👍😉

    Like

  4. Adewoyin Joseph

    LOL. With that daughter of Eve on the loose, saving the election at the expense of an erection is a no-go section; who needs the damn patience to save the situation?

    I’m probably not making sense, yet.

    Sycophancy coupled with a gullible “sycophanc-ee” is a perfect recipe for disaster, as we’ve seen it unfold before us recently.

    Hilarious piece chief, you rock.

    Like

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