CORPERS LODGE (TWELVE)

Read the precious episode here.

The story in the lips of every one in the local government area was that a student slapped a corper so other corpers grabbed the brat and beat him to unconsciousness. It was an epic story and Memorial was in the middle of it. For once Cemetery Lodge was cited for something positive. In fact, the story was taken up on WhatsApp and Facebook and became a statewide story of bravery and comradeship among corps members.

Phone calls poured in in dozens, and a handful of corps members  came to the lodge to congratulate us for holding our headdress high. They assumed I was the ring leader and shook my hand and said, ‘Guy, you be baba.’ I told them Agu was the baba. Then they would shout ‘Corper Agu!’ and knock on his door but the Jamaican corper wouldn’t budge. I kept telling them not to bother. Agu was here in spirit and in smoke. ‘Can’t you perceive the smell of his weed?’

They would smile and shake my hand again.

I soon got tired of the whole handshake brouhaha. I was sure some must have fingered their poisonous nostrils, some might have sneezed phlegm into their palms etc, now they wished to use this opportunity to give me germs. I strongly felt like being left alone but as I didn’t have the rastafarian confidence to shut myself in, I resorted to a trick. When they shook my hand I would smile apologetically and say, ‘Sorry, I just came out of the toilet and haven’t washed my hands.’

The person would snatch his hand from mine, squeeze his face and give me a sharp lesson in primary health education. ‘You should wash your hands first thing after toilet.’

‘Yes sir, but we don’t have water.’

‘You should get water by all means!’

‘Yes sir.’

Micah would excuse himself, get into his room, bury his face in his pillow and die of laughter. He would resurrect after three minutes, wipe his eyes and come out to the veranda and resume his role of future CLO.

Towards evening, the Yoruba teacher of Memorial came to the Cemetery Lodge. She was in her early forties, unmarried and bitter. And she must have been spending half of her salary on her face and body to force herself to remain in the eighteen yard box of marriage eligibility.

As soon as she entered the lodge she told us all to pack our immediate needs and leave the lodge.

‘Why?’

‘Shey you are asking why. You know that the boy gang them plan.’

‘What is she saying?’ I asked Micah in Hausa.

‘Shut up.’

‘They wan burn this lodge.’

I laughed.

‘Shey you laugh. Shey you know this children are smoke grass.’

I laughed, harder. The woman left, offended.

‘That was rude.’ Agatha hissed. Fisayo eyed me, I shook with mirth. But I stopped laughing when I saw my Lodge mates filing their credentials and stuffing small bags.

‘Where are you guys going to?’

‘I am going to pass the night at Community,’ Fatima answered.

‘Come on, you don’t tell me you believe that nonsense yarn.’

‘I don’t think anything will happen to our lodge,’ Tina said, ‘but I am going to St Thomas for tonight to avoid stories that touch.’

Then Micah came out and began to lock his room.

‘Where are you going to?’

Micah came closer. He didn’t want eavesdroppers. ‘Remember that bank babe.’

Of course I did (I will describe the ‘babe’ and the ‘bank’ later).

‘What about her?’

‘I haven’t seen her for two days now…’

‘Guy, forget her, this is the time Mercy needs you most.’

‘But Mercy is spending the night with her pastor’s family.’

I felt like crying. ‘It’s after six. Are you coming back tonight?’

‘Why not?’ But we both knew he wasn’t coming back tonight.

Next, Edwin came out carrying his phone and charger and hurrying. He smiled apologetically at me. ‘I need to charge this, am expecting one important call like that.’

‘But there was light earlier today,’ IBK pointed.

‘You don’t know this my phone, it drinks battery like pure water.’ Then he turned to me. ‘If anything happens, call me.’

‘Go to hell.’

By the time darkness wrapped the community like a reluctant blanket, there were just myself, Uncle Dayo, Agu and IBK in the lodge. IBK’s logic was, ‘If they try anything I will make just one phone call and this village would be wiped out from the map.’ Brave girl, she had connection, thence cometh her confidence. Uncle Dayo had the Holy Spirit, Agu had the spirit of ganja. What did I have? 

Around nine pm, IBK entered my room carrying her blanket, pillow and a powerful rechargeable lamp. She had obviously lost her confidence and wanted to sleep with company. My heart began beating violently with promise.

‘Why are you looking at me like that?’

‘How am I looking at you?’ My voice was husky.

‘See, I only came here to pass the night, don’t get any stupid ideas.’

‘What stupid ideas?’ I asked.

‘I’m just warning you,’ and she passed by me to the desk where she placed the lamp. The electricity of her presence was so high it took me all my self controls not to reach out my hands and hug her.

She lay on the bed and drew an invisible line of demarcation. ‘Don’t cross this line.’

‘No one orders me in my room.’

‘Which means you will touch me in the middle of the night?’

‘I am not responsible for what I do when I am unconscious in the middle of the night.’

IBK eyed me with bright suspicion. ‘When Gowon was sleeping here did you touch?’

‘How would I, an ordinary bloody civilian, touch a fourstar general?’

‘Then I will go and pass the night in Uncle Dayo’s room.’

My heart stopped beating but I shrugged as she rose to her knees. ‘Suit yourself. But if you have ever been observant you would have seen that my heart always leaps with joy whenever I see you.’

IBK laughed. ‘So you want to toast me?’

I sat on the bed. ‘Don’t say anything, just listen for a moment, listen calmly and you will hear my heart whispering your name.’

‘Hahahaha, touchy! You must have picked that from a novel.’

‘Yes, I picked it up from the novel I am writing.’

IBK placed a lovely palm on my shoulder. She was so close to me that, for a deceptive second, I thought she would kiss me. ‘Guy, toast me in the morning, you hear? You love me, I love you too, but there’s no need to hurry, let the relationship start in the morning.’ And she blew me her trademark kiss which melted something inside of me and went to bed.

Duely frustrated, I heaved to lolly feet and collapsed on the chair under the desk. With the rechargeable lamp on, I wouldn’t get sleep anytime soon. And I couldn’t go to bed now that my hands had been officially handcuffed. I was like a man seated by the Atlantic Ocean and dying of thirst. Very unfair.

To kill time, I decided to read some book. The cruel beauty of Conrad’s novel Lord Jim would suit me tonight. But when I began searching among my books I stumbled on my Good News Bible and a strong spiritual guilt gripped me, I haven’t touched this Book this month. I resolved to read a few chapters. Who knew, the angel in charge of the Book of Life might be on night shift…

Just as I settled to read, my phone beeped with a WhatsApp message, from Micah. I opened it. ‘1-0’ was all he typed. My nose twitched furiously. Was there a football match tonight? What was the fool saying? I switched off my phone and returned to the Scripture.

After reading for five minutes or less, I turned and dwelled on IBK. She was lying in glorious serenity, her beauty shining with angelic brightness, charming everything at sight into honouring her. With great effort I tore my face from her elegance and returned to the word of God. It was a great thing to see that I was indeed growing in  faith. The most beautiful corps member in Osun State was lying on my bed and I was reading the Bible! If this doesn’t get my name in the Book of Life, I reasoned, nothing else will. But God is merciful and I could almost see an angel writing my name in the Book of Life with a golden pen, then, he brought out a golden stamp, gbam, he stamped my name!

This was how my love story with IBK began.

Click here for Episode Thirteen

Let’s tell ourselves the truth, the fact that you are conscious right now is because you haven’t offended Sade. But if you don’t click here to read her latest season, I will tell her you abused her mother, and by the time she is through with you your people will put you in a wheelchair and somebody will be pushing you around and you will bite your lip, asking, ‘What have I done to myself?’

Tweets to @Oke4chukwu

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24 thoughts on “CORPERS LODGE (TWELVE)

  1. Saint Gab

    If your name is written with a golden pen in the book of life, I am sure its NYSC book of life. Your use of suspense is killing as the story gets more interesting. Don’t let IBK come in between you and the word of God because I can see your spirit is weak because the flesh is willing…Lolz. Nice piece man.

    Like

    • HARD VOICES

      NYSC book of life! Guy, you are evil. How dare you make me laugh this early? I have said it before, I laugh once a month, now you’ve made me laugh on the 3rd day, with your crazy humour. Whose spirit is weak, whose flesh is willing? I think it’s the other way round…
      Can’t stop laughing

      Like

  2. Francis Nnadozie

    OK… dis now is real temptation. hope he’s reading the part of the bible that’s against formication? what’s that part of the bible again self??

    Like

  3. Roborkaybee

    I dnt knw y i hav dis feelinh dat u wer reading Ecclesiastes chapter 4…wit special reference to verse 11..I hav neva trusted u for once n trust me, even if u gve ur life to Christ dat nyt, i am very certain by morning, U SHALL ARISE N TAKE BK UR POSSESION!!! Lolz…

    Nyz one bro…mayb u wud gve me tips on hw to write….U r still d very best (i say without fear or flavour.. Ooops!! favour i mean)

    Like

    • HARD VOICES

      I was reading Galatians 5:16–25, and by the time I was done the room was in the pool of my tears of repentance. You have never trusted me, of course you won’t ever trust me because you don’t even trust yourself, more so, a prophet is never honoured in his blog.

      The Ecclesiastics 4:11 in question which says ‘If two lies together they are warm…’ speaks beyond the canal mind, it speaks of the heavenly fruits that a godly partnership manifests… (let’s continue this in church, on Sunday, you sinner man!).

      You don’t need to learn to write, my guy, you already have two things most needed in writing–a dirty mind and a powerful sense of humour.

      Let’s do this again next week.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. myekleticafair

    Guy! Schop knuckle! *big grin*

    Short though this episode was, “d head dey dere”.

    The oyinbo man will say, “now the plot thickens”

    More ink to your pen (though i know you typed *wink*), more grease to your wrist, more power to your elbow, and more fodder for your imagination. Nnoo

    Like

    • HARD VOICES

      You forgot one last one, more weed to our Jamaica, we who serve the most high. I am really excited by your gracious comments. What is blogging without conversations, what is Corpers Lodge without Myecleticafair?

      Keep up with us, dear. Cheers

      Like

  5. Adeleke Julianah

    Can’t believe I’m just reading.
    Been so busy like kilode .

    As for you and your midnight Bible study class, God is watching you on 3D and HD o!
    Wonderful as always, keep it up.
    I know you know what my thoughts towards you are. So I don’t need to repeat myself.

    Like

    • HARD VOICES

      Thanks Jules, your consistency here is humbling. I am mightily encouraged whenever you drop by, which is always. I know you already know this, but I don’t mind saying it another ten thousand times.
      Eshe!

      Like

  6. Yemie

    Hilarious this totally is! I just knew there’d be some kinda remote chance that a reprisal attack from those students was very highly probable, feasible option! I mean, y’all are on their turf and they know the terrain more than you guys! I say y’all should be very afraid and real guarded! High School students are no longer as innocent as they used to be, most have gone haywire, are very unruly and act out like they’re college students, with membership of some bloody fraternity! A sad tale that’s pretty worrisome and disheartening for real!

    I see also that while others fled to safety, you; Kingsley remained behind to get laid for free abi?! 👿😆😅 Just think, while you’re busy getting jiggy with that damsel; a siege is laid on the lodge and its being razed by angry youths and delinquents; what then?! Cause trust me, your little passtime of engaging in a little Bible reading ritual’s all but a farce! By the time you’re done monkeying around, you’ll soo effortlessly cross that imaginary longitudinal line, running from the North to South of your bed, and it will immediately cease to exist; seeing as its imaginary anyways, so its just as well anyhow! 😂😂😂

    Anticipating the next course of events in the wake of this new information! The action horror flick by way of the irate students’ planned ambush and the romantic comedy between the stunner and seductress that’s IBK and the hot abi bone-headed , Bible-wielding Christian brother and funny guy that’s you Humor Merchant! Now, that’s a classic right there and my interest is pretty piqued! Wanna see how you fight off this temptation and come out ‘atop’, victorious and smelling like a dozen roses! 😁😂

    Like

    • HARD VOICES

      I never feared any reprisal attack from some urchins. Not when we have the Jamaican Embassy in our Lodge. High school children were never innocent and so also corpers. We are evil. To survive in the campus one must be near enough to a tiger, and NYSC are beginning to mobilize corps members from the streets. The students are afraid of us. For their own good.
      I stayed behind to guard the lodge, me and Brigadier Agu. But if God doesn’t guard the house the Labour in vain, the mai guards. As I don’t wanna labour in vain I decided to consult Oluwa via Bible but Delilah! She wants to unSamson me. But such is my faith in the Cross I didn’t cross the line. You gotta trust me some more, Sweetness.
      And what do you mean by romantic comedy *frowns* for your info, I will let you know that this is the love story of the year, just watch fingers crossed.
      It’s a privilege to have you share your thoughts in my little corner of the Web. Thanks, thanks, you rock Hard, your rock Voices

      Like

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