MY 2016 PROPHECIES

And it came to pass on the last day of 2015 Jesus came into the city and Chika and Oge went to meet Him and said,  ‘Lord,  if you have been here earlier Okechukwu-Lazarus would not have died.’

And Jesus said, ‘Your brother Okechukwu-Lazarus only sleepeth. If he sees the visa in my hand he will rise again.’

And Chika said, ‘Lord we know he will rise again in 2016 to continue to push and struggle and hustle.’

Jesus said, ‘Don’t you understand English? I said I brought him visa. He will rise to fly abroad.’

‘Indeed,’ Oge said, ‘he’s sick of this country. If he remains here he will be shuttling on Keke Napep between Nnewi and Ozubulu ferrying market women and eating coconut and abacha for lunch.’

And Jesus wept.

It’s 2016, we made it. Cheers. Clink glasses. Happy new year mehn. It wasn’t such a bad year, 2015, overall. On this blog it was outrageous. We broke and set many records, traffically. You made it happen. And as you go about, this year, making money (yes, money is the only way we measure success in Nnewi) don’t forget your dear blog, and your sweet Prophet Kingsley Okechukwu.

Talking about prophets, I saw and still see a large chunk of the melodramatic farce that’s 2016, plenty, but I will only share twenty with you, for now.

1, I will be flying.

2, There will be 53 Saturdays this year. Last year passed you by, matrimonially. You are still as single as a sickle. There were 52 Saturdays last year, yet you couldn’t find one single human being out of 7 billion human beings roaming about the earth to marry, chai! Anyway, there will be 53 Saturdays, that’s God giving you an extra Saturday to help yourself. If this year and its extra time pass you by, that is your kwonsain.

3, There Will be a shortage of common sense in this country. This one has already started manifesting itself. On New Year Day Some People gave an award to One Boy, Somebody came out and said the boy didn’t deserve the award, that Another Boy should have gotten it. Someone came up the stage and said shut up to Somebody and they became to speak in the tongue of men. When two elephants fight the grass suffers, so while these men were quarreling or saying they were quarreling the grass people on twitter began to abuse their father and mother. While humanity somewhere quiet the praying for a purposeful new year these people were abusing one another. Suddenly a reconciliation picture came out showing Someone and Somebody smiling, hugging before the camera, and the grass people who abused mama and papa began to retweet this!

We haven’t seen anything.

4, Isaiah66v12 will send you two thousand messages this year.

5, Chelsea Football Club will not be relegated.

6, I see a massive crackdown of social media. I see a blogger brought in the Senate floor and flogged on the buttocks in live TV, then the senate president speaks, asking Those interested in seeing this corporal show happen everyday say aye. 90 senators say Aye. Those against nay. 10 senators say Nay. Gbam, the ayes have it.

Then I see someone post on Twitter, then a message pops up, Your tweet is awaiting moderation.

7, The Harmattan Will be Brutal. Woe unto you singles, divorced, separated and rejected. In Phyno Fino’s voice, O nwebeghi ihe ifuu.

8, A very old man in your village will die and they will announce it in the radio sef.

9, Pray against heavy rainfall on your birthday. In fact observe a three-day dry fasting.

10, I see an army of tall, dark/fair handsome, well-built, athletic, God-fearing, social, articulate, naira-loaded, gentle, learned, humble, cool-dressing, understanding, nonsmoking, little drinking, domesticated, doting, patient, funny (etc) and very single men invade Nigeria…

11, I see a car hit a dog and the dog dies right there on the tarmac and people gather and start crying. Jobless people.

12, I see someone lose his new chassis phone. Actually you. Yes, you will lose your phone. But the thief will return it. You will call the thief and the thief will ask you to meet her (it’s a she-thief, what a man can do… remember?) in Enere Junction. When you get to Enere Junction and call le thief she’ll tell you Sorry, something came up, I had to be in Hospital Road. Meet me there. You plead with your okada man and he takes you there. There you call ada thief and she says I can’t see you in Refinery Road, where exactly are you? You go mad, But you said Hospital Road! No, I said Refinery Road. Please hurry. At Refinery Road you will call and call and call and call and call and call, no answer. You will finally send thiefress a text message, a cheap shot on her conscience actually. And she’ll call you. What your problem, are you the first person wey dey thief im phone? Abeg, stop disturbance my peace.

And you wept.

Wait, didn’t I say above the thief will return your phone? Well, it’s probably a mistake; now I unprophesy. And the thief unreturned your phone.

13, I see a group of governors in a meeting with the Labour Congress. The governors are saying that 18 thousand naira minimum wage is too much for them to pay, that Labour should accept ten thousand naira minimum wage or they will sack 30% of their payroll. And the Labour people kneel down, crying and begging the powerful governors to ‘consider’ them.

14, Nigeria will no longer be a Democracy. It will become a monarchy. One day the president will kneel down, someone will put a crown on his head and he’ll become Emir and commander in chief of the Federal Republic of Nigeria. He’ll have legislative and judicial powers. He’ll be all knowing and blameless. You will not can’t dare criticise him.

15, So government removed fifty kobo from the price of PMS, then government removed fuel subsidy, yet I see thousands upon thousands of empty jerry cans, and one million homo sapiens in a queue duly baked by the sun.

16, Arsenal will win the league. 

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17, I see a governor of a South East state shake hands with the president of Somalia then he returned home with the snapshot of the executive handshake and spread it all over the capital with the caption, ‘My people, my people, change is working, to God be the glory.’

18, FG will declare a public holiday for this year’s St Valentine’s Day.

19, Uncle C will marry this year.

20, One naira will equal one dollar. Say it five times. Good, now go to the nearest chemist and get malarial drugs.

Tweets to @Oke4chukwu