Ramblings Of An Angry Nigerian: WE’RE IN TROUBLE

On Facebook the other day I saw a parody Who Wants to be a Millionaire graphic photo. The question in it says, “Nigeria is in…” The options to fill the gap were a) Africa b) Asia c) Europe d) Trouble. And the candidate ticked option D, Nigeria is in trouble! I usually try to ratio my laughter, to laugh only when it’s really really necessary, which is once a year, but when I read the above question I threw my cushion to the air and broke down, hohohohohohoho.

Where is Nigeria?

In trouble.

Is that your final answer?

Yes sah!!

Don’t you wish to ask the audience or phone a friend?

No sah… Nigeria is in trouble.

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Stamped. I believe it is intellectual dishonesty to refuse to acknowledge the geographical metamorphosis of our Republic. It will pay us better to create a Map of Trouble and put Nigeria in the centre than continue to pursue the lost cause of forcing Nigeria to remain in Africa. Because every single day, something happens to show us that indeed we are in deep trouble.

You know we’re in trouble when the minister of information, Africa’s number one propagandist, Lai Mohammed tells us that they are downsizing their campaign promises to align with reality. Yeah, you promised to wed her with a gold ring if she accepts to marry you then on the wedding day, right there on the alter, you say, “Hey, gold rings are so costly, why not manage this plastic ring? From the bottom of my heart to you.” When she frowns you chide her, “Come on bae, a ring is a ring; it’s the heart that really counts. And you should be grateful I’m wedding you, you’re forty-two for God’s sake! You really must be grateful because your ex was so corrupt, incompetent, weak, clueless etc etc.”

Ok sir, go on, cut off half of the promises and dump them in the bin; edit the other half to suit this post-corrupt era. Meanwhile, fellow Nigerians, let’s continue to suffer while Lai Mohammed and Co continue to do us the favour of ruining us.

“Nigerians should be grateful that I’m their president.”

You know Nigeria is in trouble when people try to defend evil in their midst by pointing out evil in other places. The case of Yunusa who abducted, abused and impregnated Ese Oruru a 14 year old girl still wounds the heart. When the sane demanded that Yunusa pay for his crimes, some people tried to make it look like Ese is 17 and Yunusa 18, and make a Romeo and Juliet out of the mess. When this didn’t sell they resort to throwing stones, very dump stones.

“Yes, we have child brides in the North but it’s better than baby factories in the South East.’

We’re really in trouble when the governor of Kaduna, Elrufai, tries to regulate religious preaching. I have read some of the portions of his proposal and they stink, being a stark abuse of Freedom of Worship, and Freedom of Speech, and Freedom of Movement and Association. Nigeria is a secular state so I understand the need for government to draw certain lines. What I don’t understand is the requirement for preachers to have license before they preach. And for the preacher to stand before a penal of potbellied civil servants for screening to prove that she/he is qualified to preach in Kaduna State. If the potbellies are satisfied they will issue out the license. It’s really a temporary license because the preacher will return every one year to renew it. Any guest speaker coming to your worship must first branch to whatever silly ministry in charge of religious preaching to get a temporary license! Yes, you invite a bad musician like Vic O (or someone worse) and he goes straight to the club and start croaking, then you invite Pastor Kumuyi and he goes first to the bureaucratic channels for a license.

‘We are afraid Pastor Oyedepo, your license application to preach in Kaduna State is denied. Please call the next person when you get out.’

Sick. Sick.

Our legislators don’t help matters at all. On Monday they began a public hearing for that nefarious social media bill. Frivolous Petition Bill they call it but it’s proposed to do the same thing, rob us of our voice. In defence of them there’s a lot of abuses going on on social media. Some people have sworn never to be reasonable and would abuse the hell out of any public figure.
“Excuse me sir, your head is not correct.”

But this is a worldwide problem. Ask Hilary Clinton and Kanye West. The fact that only Nigerian politicians are trying to gag their citizens says a lot about the priorities of our lawmakers. Our social media is basically the last hope of the common man. It brought this government to power, it exposed an erroneously embarrassing budget, it unchained Ese Oruru etc. We can’t sniffle the whole house because of a few crackpots.

Just like we can’t ban our senators because of “Senator” Dino Melaye who said that senators should patronise made in Nigeria girls, in the spirit of #BuyNaijaToGrowTheNaira. I don’t know how a person in a highly placed office can go as low as the gutter in so few words. I guess he meant it as humour but so many Nigerians are not rolling on the floor right now. The fact that all the senators are married shows the thought of Melaye is that of evil not good. His thought is that of stuffing girls into Sheraton Hotel to service gluttonous libido. His thought is that of girls as toys, with no emotions, that can be picked off the shelf and put to use. I remember Melaye’s last year in the House of Reps, how representatives loyal to Speaker Bankole beat him up, tore his clothes and bundled him out. I felt sorry for him. I no longer feel so sorry for him, and I have come to suspect that people like Melaye should be tapped once in a while. Spare the rod and spoil the senator.

But it wasn’t all bad news from Nigeria this past week. Two news particularly amazed me. The first is the Unilag chap who graduated with 5.00 CGPA. That means he never got a single B throughout his studies. What do you say about no one being perfect? In defence of reality I think there must have been a conspiracy among the lecturers to make a scape sheep out of the boy. He got so much A’s in the beginning that they began to guard him against B jealously, that it began cultural to score him A. The environment was more than enabling, the lecturers near angelically cooperative.

This is a sharp contrast from most other universities especially my alma mater where a lecturer would beat his chest, “I swear to Got no one can make A in this course.” He would proudly count the high percentage of F’s before rounding up with, “No one has gotten a first class in this department since 1786.” I am not sure Ayodele Dada will make second class upper among these talent sucking fanatically sadistic lecturers.

The second amazing news is that of the JAMB candidate who scored 399 out of 400. This one is not true, lai lai. Except JAMB is trying to test run their sense of humour, or pure computer error. Otherwise I say impossible. Yes, I believe 5.00 CGPA is obtainable because all you need is make an A is 70%. Not 100%, 100%, 100% and 99%. Lie. We all wrote JAMB and you know most times the answers are not in the options.

What is the capital of Nigeria?
A) Calabar
B) Uyo
C) Ikot Ekpene
D) Ikot Abasi

Now, you get the picture? But after enduring Lai Mohammed, Dino Melaye and UBA throughout the week I think we’ve earned the right to enjoy the 399 comic relief.

Enjoy. I am outta here.

@Oke4chukwu

Ramblings Of An Angry Nigerian: LET THUNDER STRIKE…

The full title of this post is Ramblings of an Angry Nigerian: Let Thunder Fire The Following People/Group of People. Too long, and kind of dangerous. If WordPress sees it they will ban me; if the police sees it they will arrest me; and most interestingly, if my department sees this they will revoke my BA English (Literature) (Hons) because the title is really really under-creative.

So I chopped off six words and the authorities are duly tricked. Now let’s go to business. I have a long list of people that thunder should strike this very moment.  You know we men of God don’t harm anyone, we just ask God to do it for us. You non-men of God as well. “Holy Ghost fire the hand that holds my destiny!!” “AMEN!!!” Yes, God is your official hired assassin, Jehovah El Assassin, carrying out hits for you. Come to think of it, anyone who is wicked enough to hold your destiny deserves to die. But if your destiny is small enough for one village woman to hold in her puny fist then perhaps she should keep it. And you can channel your energy in looking for something worthy of the name destiny, it’d pay more than calling for judgement.

So I have a long list of people thunder should fire or may fire or ought to fire but I have a marathon list of prayer points, meaning that these thunder candidates aren’t in the top 200. This is how my prayer points list looks like:

1, Visa for China
2, Visa for Europe
3, Visa for America
4, Let Linda Ikeji notice me
5, Explode my account
6, Protect my family
7, Husband for my aging aunt
8, Protect me from that “ex”
9, Protect me from my landlord
10, Perfect my writing ability
129, Bless Twitter Nigeria with common sense
201, Give my neighbour the fortitude to bear his seventeenth heartbreak in two years (he’s sort of an idiot sha)…

You see, I have no room for ‘fight those who fight me’ prayer points. Not that I don’t have people I wish inside a cement mixer but they aren’t my just top priority. And thunder fire you is not really a prayer point. Amadioha and Sango are more efficient in this aspect of the economy. Holy ghost fire is more of our emergency line (but don’t get it confused, God created Sango, Amadioha and thunder, thank you).

Below is the list of people who have offended me Thunder-high. So many of them but I selected seven of them, in no order, and presented them to you to judge.

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1) My Cousin’s Boyfriend
Well, she said he never/wasn’t her boyfriend. Now, he better not be because it wouldn’t be pleasing to the eye when, on the day of engagement, I am chasing the groom round the table with a machete. Now this is what happened.

During the sallah holiday in September my cousin called me. She asked me to transfer 7000 to this fellow to purchase a scholarship form for her. The deadline was past but this fellow could sneak in her payment. I was suspicious but didn’t want to sound uncooperative. She had the money but didn’t have ATM card for the transfer. She would pay back once the holidays were done and dusted.

As the good family I was and am I took a bike (not bus, to save time) to the bank. The queue was long, I waited; network was poor, I was hopeful. My turn came. I concocted the transaction and sent it, and waited for the delivery, it didn’t deliver. So I cancelled and redid the transaction. This one delivered immediately. I got an alert, 7000 was transferred to so and so. Good. I got another alert, 7000 was sent to so and so. That’s 14000! Whaaaat!

So I called my cousin. She called the guy. The guy said he was expecting a lot of sevens thousands nairas and how could I prove I sent mine twice? That I should send him the two alert messages. I told my cousin I wouldn’t do that, let him keep the money. But she begged and begged and I gave in. I sent this stranger the two alerts.

I waited, nothing happened. I called the guy and he said he had seen it. He would send it back right away. Thanks. I waited. One hour passed, I saw nothing. I called oganyi.

‘Who’s on the line?’ He didn’t bother my saving number and was obviously too unintelligent to recognize it. I told him who I was and that I was still waiting for the money he would send ‘right away’. He lost his temper and said didn’t I know he was a busy person. That he would send it before nightfall. It was noon. I kept my cool, when a cat has you in the balls humility is easy.

7pm I saw no alert. I called the chairman. ‘Who’s on the line?’ he asked again. My nose sizzled with irritation. ‘It’s me na.’

‘You who?’

I told him. ‘Eh hen’ was his reply. I swallowed my rage. Calmly I said, ‘That money, you didn’t send it again?’

He flared up, ‘Don’t you know I’m a busy businessman?’

‘But you made the promise.’

‘My frien’ I say I’m busy.’ He dropped the call.

I called him, he didn’t pick. I called and called and called. He finally picked. ‘Nna, you are disturbing me o.’

‘Then do the transfer!’

‘My frien’ you are stupid for talking to me like that. Do you realise I am an elderly person?’

I was chocked with red-hot fury but I still wouldn’t blow my money away.

‘Did you abuse me?’

‘Yes, I abused you what will you do?’

‘I don’t want to quarrel with you,’ I began.

‘Me, I want to quarrel with you, abuse me back. Idiot.’ Click, the call ended. I called my cousin and explained all to her. She pleaded with me to let the guy be, that she would collect the money when she she met him for the form. I went to bed moody.

About a week later, I lay in my room totally depressed. I had missed an interview due to late information and was practically broke. In fact it’s not false to say I was in a casket and just waiting for someone to push me six feet and cover me with sand. An alert came in from my cousin, 14000 naira! I quickly reached for my phonebook and called the crook.

‘Who’s on the line?’

Haha, I told him who I was.

‘Eh hen, what do you want?’

‘Goat, I want us to quarrel. Abuse me, let us abuse each other…’

Oloshi.

2) UBA Bank
This is the most annoying bank on earth. This bank employs the most insensitive, arrogant and hostile attendants. Poor ATM network, spammy text messages, and, most annoyingly, no credit alert, which means someone will send you money and you won’t know, and you will be hungry while sitting on top of cash and the person is cussing you for being ungrateful. On the contrary, they have the most instantaneous debit alert on earth.

Sigh. UBA run heartbreaking hidden charges. Today you have ten thousand naira, tomorrow it’s 9,986, next tomorrow 9,897 naira. We’re talking savings account here but let your money enter the next month and your balance would have shrunk to 8,756. Hahaha. It’s magical mehn.

Then came Buhari’s 50 naira stamp duty. I am running a savings account which is supposedly excluded from the stamp charge. UBA definitely hasn’t gotten the circular, they charge me 50 naira when I receive any amount. In fact this debit is the only way I learn of my credit alert. They charge me 50 naira when I recharge my phone. The other day I passed by the bank and I got a debit alert: 50 naira charge for passing by the bank.

I died.

3) Nigerian Soldiers on the Highway.
#PrayForOurSoldiers, yes yes, I have heard. I am doing my best, I am praying for the soldiers in Sambisa. All soldiers matter yes but the soldiers in the highway are mostly gun-toting hooligans looking for whom to punish, humiliate and destroy. In my last year in Zaria, one day, I was waiting for bus in front of North Gate. There was a small crowd waiting. When a bus came along it was a scramble. I got in but someone had matched my foot badly or I matched his badly, can’t remember. But we started quarreling, Do you know who I am? I will eat you alive and the likes. There were some market women in the bus and they tried to intervene by shouting us down, we quarreled even louder. The bus began to steam.

Just before Emanto Junction was a military checkpoint. The driver stopped and said to the soldiers, ‘There are two samari in this vehicle who want to cause civil unrest in Zaria City.’

And the soldiers ordered the guy and I to get down.

They say time heals a lot, but it’s nearly two years ago and I am still bleeding.

4) As for that “human” being who kidnapped a thirteen year old from Bayelsa, took her all the way to Kano, forcibly converted her to Islam and married her, the Thunder that will fire you is still in the gym building muscles. Imagine the despicable inhuman moronic act of satanic carnation, in my country, in 2016!

(I heard that the poor girl has been released, in police custody now. Then I saw a frightening twist to the story, people trying too hard to force a love story out of a crime. It’s a current story I will follow judiciously and tear apart in the next rambling.)

5) Linda Ikeji’s Haters
If you are on my Facebook list you would have known that Linda Ikeji is the love of my life, in whom I am well crazed. You look at Linda, you see a gossip blogger but in Linda I see a mentor, a leader, an inspiration, my woman, my everything. So abusing Linda is the surest way of invoking my phlegm. I have endured abuse of me on social media but not Linda Ikeji’s, you abuse her and you’ve messed with me.

There’s little to diss Linda about besides her being 36 and unmarried and purportedly bitter about it. This is cheap misogynistic nonsense, and archaic feudal ancient patriarchal bullshit that marriage is the ultimate of a woman. And it’s a shame a supposed “celebrity” Wizkid doesn’t know better. I don’t want to carry out research on the number of women of Linda Ikeji’s age who are really happy and fulfilled in their marriage, but if you think all there’s to life is grow up, go to school or not, marry, raise good children, put them in government positions, watch them marry, dote on your grandchildren, be a nuisance and die then I am sorry for you.

That Linda is unmarried says more about the sick society she lives in, it is more an exposition of the dire scarcity of good men, an indictment of the gold-digging skills that come naturally to Nigerian men, than a defection in Linda. In 500 years time, when blogging in Nigeria is mentioned Linda Ikeji’s name will ring out. She has impacted on her generation. So many of us won’t be remembered twenty or even ten years after death, and you cuss Linda. Marriage doesn’t make anyone immortal, ingenuity does. If Linda wants to marry someone today she will, all she needs need do is call for submissions, for the post of husband, attach picture and bio etc, and millions of men will fall over themselves to apply. Get the picture?

And you Wizkid, why are you not married? Your mates in Europe like Wilshere and Ramsey are married and posing with their legitimate children on social media, they don’t do baby mamas like you, they don’t fight baby mamas like you, they are obviously not as sophisticated and famous. But really Wizkid needs to grow up (perhaps he should change his name to Wizman or Wizguy–there’s power in the name o). Notice how of recent this kid has been acting restless, picking up fight in bars, saloons, streets, suya joints etc, generally acting like someone injected with chloroquine in the head. Perhaps he’s doing this to hide dwindling talent but someone with sense ought to lock him up in the freezer for six hours to cool his head. Otherwise, someday, he’ll do something very unforgivably nasty. I hope he slaps a soldier in Zaria.

And you brokers parroting that Linda has poverty mentality, are you serious? What on earth is poverty mentality? And with all your prosperity mentality how has that helped your drinking garri morning, afternoon, evening in the campus? Rubbish.

Mehn, I have to stop here. So exhaustive calling out haters. I know I said I’ll name seven people for thunder to address but I’m just tired. You don’t believe me? OK, I lied, what next? Wanna quarrel with me? Oya, abuse me now. Yes, let’s insult each other… But I must warn the following people: Lai Mohammed, Festus Keyamo, MTN, Mark Dean and Diego Costa etc be very careful. I am dangerous.

Last week so many things worthy of ramblings happened. Sunday Oliseh resigned as super eagles coach. Karma because you cannot pursue my favourite player and captain Enyeama from the team and expect to stay on the job longer than it takes a woman to carry a baby in the womb. A minute later, Siasia was appointed. That’s NFF for you, they sack you reappoint you, resack you, re-reappoint you, re-resack you etc. Siasia, tighten your seat belt.

Same day “Rev” King’s death sentence was confirmed by the Supreme Court. This man was first charged to court in 2006 for the inhuman atrocities he committed. And it took more than ten years to bring him to justice. This highlights the milipede motion of our legal system. But justice delayed and dragged is still justice. For this kind of man who really painted the clerics with an evil brush, it’s welcome justice. He even referred to himself as Jesus. OK sir, we’re gonna hang you and see what happens on the third day.

I am outta here.

Tweets to @Oke4chukwu