The Nigerian Police Force is recruiting and haters are sending me the link on WhatsApp. You know Pete Edochie/Chinua Achebe once said that the death that’ll kill a dog usually shuts its sense of smell. That is why some people will see an angry youth who never smiles (only when his landlord is in trouble); someone who is single, broke, associates with no one, a total sadist, and they think they are doing him a favour by giving him a black uniform, an oversized beret and a gun. Hehehe.
Is like something worry you for head.
Imagine the overconfidence, giving Abacha’s number two a gun for a living.
So it’s a hot day, you are driving and there, in the middle of the road is Sergeant Okechukwu, standing a gun in this hand, a burning cigarette in the other hand, dry lips and bloodshot eyes, and he says Stop! Show me your particulars! Won’t you be afraid? Say the truth and shame the devil.
No? Haha, but I am that kind of police that will put the barrel of the gun on your windscreen and tarararara!!
Linda Ikeji breaking news: Police Officer Shoots Babe Over Delay to Show Her Particulars.
In ancient Israel, the Hebrews decided to replace their theocracy with monarchy, they approached Prophet Samuel and demanded for a king like their neighbouring kingdoms. So Samuel sat them down and calmly listed the demerits of royalty. Basically he showed them that earpick is not for the eyes.
Today I have decided to sit you down (or you may remain standing if you wish, who cares!) and show you in technicolor the side effects of giving an Angry Nigerian a gun.
1, I’m not your friend.
The police is your friend bla bla bla, they say. Oho, na them know. I, Sergeant Kingsley Okechukwu, is not your friend. More like your enemy. You see, my duty to the Federal Republic of Nigeria is to catch criminals. Everyone I meet is a criminal until you prove your innocence, until you uncriminalise yourself. And you will have to do that quickly before I shoot you. I am a stammerer.
2, I will not collect fifty naira.
Before you put your father’s Volkswagen in my road get your papers intact. Your driver’s license, road worthiness, Enhance Central Motor Registry certificate, your MOT, vehicle receipt, receipt of ownership (Is your name Chief Bernard Osikaku? Did you fight in the civil war? Shut up before I shoot you!), your receipt of plate number etc etc.
If you don’t have any of these woe unto thee because I’ll just pour fuel on your rickety motor and set fire on it. I cannot come and allow hazard on my highway.
3, I will not pay you.
I will buy your cigarettes, drink your kaikai, board your okada, buy bread from you but I WILL NOT PAY YOU. I cannot. I am a public servant of the Federal Government, I’m your responsibility. Foxes have holes, birds have nests but the son/police of man has nowhere to stay, so he stays everywhere and enjoys everything free of charge. I belong to everyone and I belong to no one. If you try to stop me from eating in your unhygienic restaurant I’ll arrest you for obstruction of justice in the middle belt.
4, I am a sadist.
I repeat, I am a sadist. So no smiling is allowed 300 metres radius of me. If I catch you smiling in these darkness and fuel scarcity and general hardship then you are a criminal. I will handcuff you sharply and you’ll take me to where you hid the 50 litres of fuel that’s sweeting your belly; that or I’ll make you see your cocoyam leaves/ears without the aid of a looking glass. Oloshi.
5, I will not guard an APC event.
How can I stand guard, hungry, thirsty under the scorching sun and APC is having a programme and they are sharing jollof rice and Lai Mohammed is on the mike talking. And I have a loaded gun in my hand. Hehehehehe.
I am laughing in Ijaw.
No no no, I didn’t say I will do something o. No no, I am just laughing. It’s just something I remember that’s making me laughing upandown.
See eh, I can go on and on, up to fifty reasons but I have to stop somewhere. My battery is dying even. So mister chairman and impartial judges, with these few points of mine I hope (for your sake) you are convinced not confused (same thing) that giving me a police uniform is not in the best interest of the Federal Republic of Nigeria. Thankyo.
I’m outta here.
Tweets to @Oke4chukwu