Ramblings Of An Angry Nigerian: ODE TO GENERATOR

When I first encountered literature in 2004 I didn’t know the pronunciation of ode. I thought it was pronounced odeh. So I go about shouting odeh to nightingale, odeh to peace, odeh to… stupid! One day I stumbled upon ode in the dictionary and saw that it was pronounced oud, exactly like owed! Oops, oops. So many girls I’ve tried to impress with odeh! And they can’t unhear. But I didn’t tell any of my co-odehs, I just went quietly with oud and left them with their odeh. But it takes more than the right pronunciation of ode to touch the heart of girls in those days (don’t know for now) for these odeh boys kept getting the girls and I was left with this nice fat girl nobody wanted (by the way she’s now slim and ignores me on WhatsApp). Very successful these odeh guys but the good news is that most of these guys went to the University pronouncing ode as odeh. Hohohohoho.

I never corrected them. They had their romance, I had my right pronunciation of ode. 1-1.

But I have not come here to ramble about pronunciation. If your phonology teacher did a lousy job on you then you should carry your cross, is it in my blog you want to come and learn oral English? Be careful.

I have come to ramble generators. Last month, I was home for Easter and having bought fuel at the gracious price of 150 per litre (should be 250 now) I relaxed to enjoy my life. But the generator was not cooperative and kept groaning and lurching and giving low current. I believe my village witches were on form but my mom thought otherwise. She said something about the generator being old and kind of outlived its utility. She didn’t come out to say we need a new bigger one but it was clear that a new bigger one was the theme of her poetry. No, she wasn’t talking to me but her mouth was fixed at my direction. I just covered my face with a novel. Let nobody ever mention my name…

But before I left I got a mechanic and he resurrected the generator. I called my brother and his testimony was that the generator runs as new. I am safe for three months.

Someone once tweeted that indomie noodles has contributed more to the history of Nigeria than the national assembly! Ahhh. What a rare insight. I have retweeted, mentioned, favourited and screenshot the tweet. It is a great testimonial. But indomie aside we have a long list of products that have contributed more to the history and welfare of Nigeria than the establishment of government. The generator is top of the list.

You know, studying history of Nigeria I’ve come across eras such as The First Republic (1960-1966), Gowon and the Civil War (1966-1975), Abacha Regime (1993-1998) etc. When I finally write my history textbook it would be something like Generator Revolution (2003 to forever). Yeah mehn, there is no sight to the end of this.

You know, they lied to us that Buhari’s the answer and the man came, saw us crawling on our fours and he smashed us, we’re now on our belly and he’s still smashing. You know the Igbos say if you can’t increase me at least leave me as small as I am. Well, Buhari has made us far worse than he met us. And some are saying that one year is too small to judge, and I say one year is too small to destroy us this much. Then they say no glory without pains and I laugh because there’s nothing Buhari is working on that’s causing this hardship. We’re not facing fuel scarcity because Buhari is building new refineries, we’re not suffering blackouts because Buhari is building new power stations and we’re not enduring rising cost of living because Buhari is working on increasing our export quotas. We’re suffering because our president has failed to manage the little we have. Period.

Well, well it’s cool and almost romantic to criticise the people that work for Buhari. No light, hold Fashola responsible; no fuel, scold Kachikwu, Fulani cattle-rearer massacre people, that’s the IG of police’s responsibility etc. Yeah, they fear Buhari so much they have made him a ceremonial head of state like Queen Elizabeth, just that he’s the Executive head of state and head of government. Executive. Look that up in the dictionary, don’t assume like my odeh friends.

So the generator has been saving our ass. It’s practically the only standpost between us and extermination, between us and pure hell. Imagine no generator and you have to wait once in a month for light to cut your head, charge your phone, iron your clothes, weld your shovel, check your jamb, mail your CV, watch TV, chill zobo etc. Ahhh, anarchy, endangered species stuff.

Indeed the generator has done us a great deal of good. Two things must kill a Nigerian, lack of electricity and fuel scarcity. And one thing must drive a Nigerian crazy, the sound of generator! Our Alaba International brothers are trying to solve the latter problem by importing noiseless generators from China (please don’t tell my mom). Soon, they will import musical generators that play Adele when you switch it on. Tell my mom I’ll waiting for this one.

So I understand the genius of removing the eagle in our coat of arms and replacing it with sweet generator. Who eagle don help? Who, who! Just mention one pursin.

I heard Benue State government wants to introduce Generator Tax to save the ozone layers from smoke emissions. Nonsensical. That’s by the way.

So the genius who redesigned the coat of arms should be given a national title. Designer of Federal Republic, DFR. We can then approach the senate to pass this new design into law. Yeah they are dump, all of them but if you tell them the generator is mandated in the Bible and Quran they would cooperate sharply.

Talking senate, did you hear the news, how the senate president went to court where he’s being tried for corruption/disobedience with ninety defence lawyers? Ninety lawyers noni. Haha, he’s as guilty as craze. Imagine being the judge and you have ninety lawyers sitting on the defence table, on the floor, on the window, under the desks, kneeling, squatting, lying etc. Madness mehn. So the trial goes this way,

1st lawyer: Objection my lord.
Judge: Objection overruled
2nd lawyer: Objection my lord.
Judge: Objection overruled.
3rd lawyer: Objection my lord.
Judge: Objection overruled.
4th lawyer: Objection my lord.
Judge: Objection overruled.
17th lawyer: Objection my lord.
Judge: Objection overruled.
36th lawyer: Objection my lord.
Judge: Objection overruled.
78th lawyer: Objection my lord…
Ahhhhhhh!

This is obstruction of (in)justice. Where are my nairabet freaks? You can bet your school fees on it, it’s 4.5 odd that the judge will break down before he pronounces Saraki guilty. And even at that, Saraki jailed, he’ll still be our senate president directing proceedings from Kirikiri Maximum Prison, because the senate is his father’s snooker joint only he can handle. So don’t talk resignation to Issa Hayatou Saraki. Or something worry you for head?

Babes and guys, I have to go now. Yes babes and guys na. No one above 30 reads this blog. If you are, please identify yourself in the comment box. My name is Onome Ikeme, 62, nice post. I really have to go, who rambling don help? Mention just one successful millionaire rambler. Let me concentrate, I am at the filling station, to fuel my car. I am tired of trekking helter scatter, lemme get fuel even if it’s half a litre. Purr! Purrr! It’s my turn!!

Next week.

@Oke4chukwu