I have not blogged for nearly three weeks now, and I have, when friends asked me, said I’m on strike. I should be on strike. It’s not against the government (where’s the government?); it’s a strike against the timidity and cold ashity that we Nigerians have become under this hardministration. What is the essence of writing when the people you write to don’t care, when they are comfortable with hardship, when they rationalise and apologise for tyranny? But, you might ask (for the sake of argument, what else?), must I write politics, why not short stories or stupid characters or Sade?
And my answer is, Why should I write stupid characters and the rest when I am hungry and angry and frustrated by an entity that is elected to alleviate these? Look at the motto of my blog, it’s for the Wretched of the earth. Yes, the Wretched, like the okada man who was supposed to charge me 150 naira but accepted 100 naira when I told him I would fight to reduce the price of fuel. So I “fight” and lost, and NLC (1978-2016) lost their life in the battle (rest in piece), and you expect me to run back to the blog with Chike and the River tales. I will not. I am the last person on earth that would give the impression of running away from the deep complexities of governance into the cartoon of comedy, or the lie of thriller. In fact, this blog, I’m tired of you. I am putting you up for sale right away. Contact me on firstname.lastname@example.org let’s talk business. Let me use the money and start up something useful, like a kiosk where I’d sell spirit and poison the youths who are trying to run away from their fight, their reality.
That’s by the way.
I am here to talk to my people. This post is not for everyone, just my people. To participate you have to give the right answers to these mini-questionnaire,
Are you single?
Are you broke?
Are you angry?
If you have answered one “no”, please excuse us, this isn’t for you. Don’t let me diss you. Respect yourself. This is my blog and I ask you to leave… Good riddance.
Now, if you answered yes to the entire questions then I must ask you to dig a hole and bury yourself in there because you are evil. Or better still have Lai Mohammed advise you for you’re terrible and deserve all the masquerades he’d urge you to dress for employment.
To read this article, this is how you should answer the poll:
Are you single?
Are you broke?
–Are you trying to mock me?
Are you angry?
–Stop asking me stupid questions!!
Atta boy! You can’t be angry enough and give a civil weakling yes answer. In fact the best answer to Are you angry? is to pick up an empty bottle of O’npa and smash the erring big head. But don’t do that yet. What will it profit you to be broke, single, angry and in prison? You can’t read Hard Voices in prison, can you, so what’s the use?
So, to be happy in spite of these burdens, you must do the following.
1, Admit you are broke, single and angry.
Don’t lie to yourself. There you are standing before the ATM, roasting under the angry sun, sweating and feeling sorry for yourself. It’s your turn and you step forward and withdraw one thousand naira. You have expertly used your back and blocked other brokers in the queue from seeing that you just withdraw one thousand. No one sees you but Jude, you can’t lie to yourself. Because you know from the bottom of your heart that if ATM dispenses 200 naira that’s what you would be withdrawing, that’s what you deserve to withdraw. So you go home carrying your one thousand carefully because it’s made of egg shells. You buy MTN one hundred naira card (your account balance is -99.89), MTN pity you and dash you 10 MB; you enter Facebook and you see the picture of your immediate past girlfriend who left you because she said she wanted a break from relationships; there she is in the photo, smiling so brightly, and happier than you ever knew her. She tags the pic, Thanks for making my day boo. #loveeverlasting. Tears are forming in your eyes but it’s the onions in the kitchen, you can’t be crying.
Keep lying to yourself. She left you not because she needed any useless break, you’re a loser that’s why she left you. Being with you was like riding a bicycle up Udi Hill, now she’s so happy sailing on a speedboat, as you can see.
Oga, wipe your eyes clean and admit you are broke, single and angry.
2, Confess that you are broke, single and angry.
Put your right hand hand on your chest, close your eyes. Now repeat after me, I am a broke ass, I am single to stupor and I am an angry unmarried auntie. Ew, ew, ew…
Stop crying, Chichi. That’s what you are. Confessions are sometimes soothing balms.
3, Be contented with what you are.
Don’t try to change what you are. You are not stupid. You’re just broke and single dear. Do you know how many millionaires out there who are so dissatisfied? Uncountable. Do you know that being in a
relationship has no direct link with your happiness? A research in one American university I can’t remember right now says that people who are single are twice more likely
to die young to be happier than people who are very very single. You see. And remember the wise Robert Mugabe says It’s better to be single and waiting to be taken for granted than being married and waiting to be taken to the psychiatrist. So you see that you have the best deal.
The only problem with this idea is that you’re angry. Mehn, anger is self-mutilating. So…
4, Do something about your anger.
Being broke accepted, single very accepted. Angry, poisonous. No one has been denied paradise ’cause of poverty or singlehood. But no angry man shall see the Lord. The only way to be happy as a single, broke and angry personality is to be single, broke and un-angry.
So, how can you dis-anger your life. The bad news is that I don’t know. The good news is that this place is not a Hot Temper Guidance and Counseling Plc, it’s a blog for Gawd sake! Don’t be greedy. How much are you paying for reading this, absolutely naught, now you want to get free counselling on top of it. Chai, Nigerians!
Anyway, since you insist on getting how to stop being angry advice from an angry person, I guess I can dish out one or two things. First, remove every symbol of anger in your life. Start with Facebook, unfollow, or unfriend or block or all of above that gal with her uncreative hashtag and fake smile. She’s history and that’s what dust bins are for. Done? good.
Secondly, stop attaching your happiness with something as unstable and unpredictable
and worldly like your economic and romantic status. You are a go-getter, innovative and reliable yet no one wants to hire you, their loss. You are beautiful, sensible with a sense of humour yet only married men the age of Uncle Bayo and, let’s be frank, riff-raffs ask you out. Oops, oops. But you can’t just kill yourself by letting a rock of anger have dominion in your heart. You must banish anger and pursue happiness with annoyance. You might start by pretending to be happy, and with time you will get used to it. And a sure way to banish anger is to…
5, Do something about your broke ass.
You can’t fold your hands and let impecuniousness (pardon my grammar, I have a degree in English) grow mushrooms in your head and accompany you to your grave. Of course no one has ever been denied heaven because he’s broke. But no one has ever gone to heaven on the strength of their penury. You may as well make your life easier on earth. To start with, refuse to be comfortable with poverty, be allergic to poverty, hate it, frown at it and fight it with all your might, wherever you smell it. Thankfully, this is Nigeria where everything is possible. So, in banishing poverty you could do any of the following,
a) Dress masquerades
b) Become a politician and steal money. If you join APC no one will probe you. You’ll be innocent until proven innocent.
c) Become a musician. Sing about the female anatomy and if your chi is alive you’ll hammer.
d) Do Kanayo O. Kanayo.
e) Try yahoo.com
f) Begin to farm tomatoes
f9) Take a placard with the inscription “Hire me, I’m a graduate with twenty years experience of uncommon sense” and go stand on a busy junction. Ha ha ha.
g) Fall in love with Dangote’s daughter. Etc
6, Do something about your singlehood!
Yes, everyone is double except you. Your gateman, your shoeshiner, your gardener, all are taken, engaged or enraged. Except ewe. You are broke and so what? You don’t have “I am broke” tattooed on your forehead, do you? Well, if you do, get a headwarmer. Now, go out and mingle. There’s something we call packaging. Yeah, package yourself and ask every girl you see out. By the time you get to the 3,678th girl you will find a frustrated, single and angry girl who just wants someone she can yell at. Accept her like that, with both hands, after all what do you really want from her other than to touch a female breast?
And you mustn’t even only just try your luck with the single ladies. They are sometimes hurt or/and nursing a heartache, and you can’t use your hand and dip your hand into a scorpion’s den. Some of the best girls are in a relationship or assume they are in a relationship, snatch a brother’s boo and move on. Your own boo it was a brother who stole her, wasn’t/isn’t it? Or an uncle. If she’s not walking down the Isle don’t give up on her.
You might take her out for a date and while eating chicken paid with your hard earned money she might say, “Actually I’m in a relationship.” If you show serious displeasure she might soften the statement with “How do you expect a Nigerian lady at my age to be single? It’s not like that relationship will affect our own.” If she really likes you she would open the door wider, giving her guy the knockout, “I am with a guy who doesn’t ask how I buy my cream and every every.”
You would laugh in your belly because you, like the mythical boyfriend, don’t care if she rubs ice cream or shea butter on her face, all you want is to touch er… er… er… touch… no, actually you want more than touching, you want the whole fura da nono.
Hey, pass me the bottle!
I am outta here.
Tweets to @Oke4chukwu