‘If I have Five hours to see a prophecy, I will use four hours to ask God whether to disclose the prophecy or not.’
Sometimes, God might just be gisting with you and you will just run to Church and announce. Sometimes, God is pulling your legs and you can’t even see that he is smiling and you won’t wait to hear Him say ‘na joke o’ because you are in a hurry to play Elijah on the mountain. And, very likely, it is not God who talked to you. Maybe Gody the mechanic. Maybe Godiya the hairdresser. Or one of the twenty thousand gods roaming African huts in search of worshippers told you. Or, you didn’t hear God very well. Maybe God spoke with American accent. ‘The election will gonna be won by a human’ and you thought he said ‘woman’. Human not woman, punk!
The most difficult job in Nigeria right now is that of the prophet. Predicting politics has disgraced so many ministries. Some people predicted that Jonathan will win the Nigerian election and Jonathan lost and they are still alive and they still have members. And their members still believe them, still give offering. That is the beauty of our prophets, they fall many times and they rise again, with their tongues scratching to join the debate, to prove what point?
You can’t cuss them. After all, no one has ever gone to hell or prison on the strength of the veracity of his prophecies.
So should we stone anybody for predicting that a mad man won’t be elected to the presidency? He who has never believed a fake prophecy before, let him cast the first stone. But, from now henceforward, I will be watching Emmanuel TV with one kain eye. And whenever US election is mentioned, many people will unconsciously remember Synagogue and leer. Chai. This is real mess.
Now Nigerians are excited over the victory of a mad man in Amerika. Why? Because we are hypocrites! Nigerians are hypocrites. Hypocrites. I only said it once, it’s the echo. I didn’t underline it, it’s the shock.
Not just hypocrisy, plus wickedness. How can you be suffering Buhari in Nigeria and merry that Amerika is afflicted with Trump? Don’t you know that Amerika is our second home? One million Nigerians there and counting. Not counting the 300,000 of them with expired papers, with dirty papers, with fake papers, with future papers. What will it profit you that we can no longer run to Amerika at ease, that our brothers will no longer live in Amerika at ease? Are you a witch? How can you be so poor and so witchy? Can’t you use your witchcraft in better way? Like putting a plate of rice more than once a week on your table. Like footing your bills without looking for a fall guy. Like passing your exams!
Yesterday, I wrote on my wall that we might laugh at Amerika for voting a pussy-grabber and you come to my comment box to tell me that using the word pussy speaks badly of me. Yet, you celebrate the election of one who grabs pussy and is proud of grabbing pussies. Pussy is not bad when Trump grabs it; it becomes a taboo when I write pussy. Pussy (Echo). Hypocrites! Hypocrites!! (Echo).
I don’t know why Nigerians are happy about Trump but the few I have spoken to have rambled and befuddled me as much as they are self-befuddled. But the sense I picked out of it all is that some believe Trump will give them Biafra (I laugh); some want Trump because he is tough on terrorism (I laugh); some want Trump because of his arrogance (are you well at all?). Some want Trump because he is a man and only a man can be commander in chief in Amerika (Penis monger!). Some follow Trump’s tail because he is a business man and would create plenty jobs in America (who taught you economics—didn’t trump bankrupt everything bankruptable?—including a casino!) (I laugh with tears). Some call themselves Trumpers because he is honest (I think you lack either education or honesty yourself).
Dangerously, some cheer Trump because he romances and legitimizes the animal in them (pity, pity). From now on, when they insult women, when they block women in a lonely passage, when they gloat about conquering women, they will not be ashamed, they will be bold and every reasonable concern against these will be scorned off by the precedence set by their lord and saviour Trump (shameful). Some women don’t like Trump but they will rather see a woman-hater and cheat become president than for Hillary Clinton to rise to most powerful office on earth. Why, I don’t know. But for some women, fighting/hating women comes natural to them (I feel sorry for you).
If you ever looked at America for guidance on democracy and freedom, this is your reality check. The land of Abraham Lincoln, Rosa Parks, John F. Kennedy and Martin Luther King Jnr has nose-dived into the abyss of chaos built on hate and fear.
Back to (Nigerian) hypocrisy.
The chief hypocrite is Nigeria president Buhari. This is a man who has never accepted defeat in any election. He lost in 2003, in 2007 and 2011; in all he contested the results, painting the winner as usurper, plus the 2011 widespread ethno-religious killings and arson in the north, his core support base fueled by his I-no-gree rhetoric. Buhari is yet to apologise or condemn the carnage. Buhari has never congratulated any Nigerian politician for winning an election. His spokespeople give an inane excuse built on the false altar of righteousness that Buhari doesn’t congratulate anyone because the election might have been rigged. He doesn’t say congrats even when the election is certified in the Supreme Court. Why, because he’s a selfish uncultured human being.
But he congratulates a foreigner.
Why not! Our people are undisciplined, our people are corrupt, our people are foolish. But oyibo people are the best. You see your life? You call yourself president but you don’t hide your disdain for your people including the electoral process that brought you to power. And you can’t wait to bow before the shrine of neo-imperial hegemony.
And he congratulated Trump on behalf of Nigerians.
Buhari is a world key player. Are you happy? Pass. Now can we go back to talking about the economy you met as the fastest growing economy in the world and wrecked into recession in less than a year.
One last word for Trump. I don’t wish you well. Yes, I am not a hypocrite and I am not under any obligation to pretend to feel what I don’t feel. As a matter of reversed happiness, let Amerika feel the real impact of bad governance. The evil governance they exaggerate and condemn with soiled righteousness in the middle east, in Asia and Africa has come home to roost in the Oval Office. Let Trump wreck US economy, let him imprison political opponents and suppress the media and shoot protesters. After Trump, Amerika will appreciate the raw extent of crooked leadership. I see no better way to punish Amerika than giving them a man who has a little Saddam Hussein, a little Gaddafi, a little Hitler, a little Fidel Castro, a little Putin and a little Mugabe in him.
Ah ha. These are interesting times. I have nothing else to add. Pass me the bottle.
Tweets to @Oke4chukwu