I am not good at remembering dates. I think apart from the regular Holidays such as Christmas, Independence, Children’s day etc, I am terrible with dates. But I know four dates. My birthday, my younger brother’s birthday, my significant other’s birthday, and Eben’s passing away date. How can I ever forget Eben? How can I ever forget July 9th, 2017?
Sometimes it seems so much like yesterday when I heard about his demise. Sometimes it seems so faraway, so 1994, so old that I struggle to remember any of the details. There is one thing that is very clear to me, however. I am frustrated.
The world is moving too fast from this fact: A very important man who is also my friend is dead and the whole world is acting like it never happened. Like they can live without Eben. Now, that is not the problem. My main frustration is that I am becoming like others, I am beginning to live without Eben. I am beginning to live as though Eben wasn’t such a big deal in my life. I am beginning to forget how Eben looks like, I am beginning to forget the ring of his voice, that laughter.
This breaks my heart. I so much wish for time to stand still or actually move backward to the time when Eben was here, or to the time when everyone mourned Eben. I promise to continue to remember Eben but I don’t remember him well enough. It seems Eben has been reduced to an annual blog post by me.
I feel so guilty.
I don’t know if I will ever do this again. Today may be the last time I write about Eben on this site. I am beginning to struggle for what to say of him. I am beginning to struggle to find things to say about the memory of Eben and the void he left. I am beginning to feel like the rest of the people who have forgotten Eben.
I am so weak.
I don’t know how to salvage this situation. I don’t know how to mourn the pain I feel. I still miss my buddy but I am lost on how to show it; nay, to feel it. God help me. Please give me the fortitude to continue to remember and to mourn a friend I love so much.
July 9th would always be about you, Eben. Forever.
I am determined.