2017 Prophecies by Prophet TB(C) Okechukwu

‘God’s prophecies are never controversial, it is people that are controversial’- TB Joshua (2016)

Happy New Year controversial people. Look at your big ears like withered cocoyam leaves. So it is in my blog you want to come and know what 2017 entails. Is this place church? Why didn’t you go to church last night of 2016? Instead you were at a club dancing ‘you like cassava, I get big cassava’ abi? Well, it may interest you to know that the first prophecy is that there will be famine this year and we’ll soon come for your big cassava; we’ll turn it to fufu and put it on the table. Yeah, you can’t be carrying a tonne of cassava about while the whole country goes hungry. Don’t let the devil use you.

There are also people who come here in search of laughter.  Let me tell you something, because you want to reduce my ministry to a comedy, I will reduce you first. Receive it, this year as you stand at the public tap, wearing just boxers someone will come from nowhere and pull your boxers down to your ankles. Haha. And people will laugh and laugh and laugh. You think you have sense of humour. You will be humoured.

Some are here because they read  everything I write. They say I am good. Since 1752, they have been singing my praise and I am yet to blow. I still go to work; I still look forward to my salaries; I still dread when she stares at the menu for too long. I don’t know what joy you derive lying to me and yourself. I am the new Achebe, huh? Even ordinary nomination my short stories cannot get. And you think you will make heaven. This year, I prophesy that I shall make one million dollars (only) (I am not greedy) through my writing. I know you don’t believe that. You see and you keep saying I am too good. But it will happen, the one million dollars, and when it happens, I am going to buy your barbing saloon and close it. I will show you.

Enough of side talks. Let’s go straight to the sermon. The 2017 I see is making me laugh and cry at the same time. The 2017 I see is pregnant and nursing a baby at the same thing . This 2017… chai, gimme hankie.

1, APC Will Break Up This Year.

Into pieces. I don’t know how it will happen. But I see Lai Mohammed bossing a wheel barrow full of sugarcane in Ilorin. I see Dalung hawking banana in Ahmadu Bello Way, Jos. I don’t know how it will happen but there is no denying Dalung’s unwashed red beret. I know what I saw. I don’t know how it will happen. I does know but I cannot come and disclose it anyhow. You cannot reveal to your enemies what will kill them. All you need do is add coal to their pyre and wool to their blindfold. Nigeria will never move forward with the Association of Past Criminals ruling us, never. APC doesn’t rule, it ruins. But smile, this year is their end.

‘Buy sugarcane, sweet sugarcane from Germany.’

Yeah that’s Lai Mohammed’s voice. Sugarcane from Germany? Old habits never die.

2, Linda Ikeja Will Find Her Husband This Year.

Yes, the most eligible spinster in Africa will be taken. Yeah, I can see the husband sef. One smallish yellow chap. But I cannot disclose his name because the heart of a Nigerian is terribly wicked. Because some of you will go and pour one tractor of sand in his bowl of garri. In fact he is no longer yellow and smallish because some of you are already looking at your smallish yellowish neighbours. My frien’ don’t let the devil use you.

It is not clear whether the wedding will take place this year, but Miss Ikeji will find Mr Right this year.

I love Linda Ikeji. Everyone knows this. You don’t know? Well it’s because you just learnt how to read. You should be grateful to Jonathan for the almajiri schools. I love Linda and when she finally chooses another, I am going to lock myself in the other room, look out of the window and cry softly.

3, So Many Nigerians Will be Deported From Amerika This Year.

Trump himself will use koboko to whip their black asses out of his father’s real estate. There will be so much deportees that planes won’t be enough for the exodus. A lot of them will settle for long canoes, peddling home in the Atlantic. Haha. Bitch however you like, that is what I see/saw.

4, There Will be So Many Baby Mamas This Year.

The economy will be messier and many men will be more cunning and choose the short-cut to have babies. ‘I will marry you officially in April, lemme do small.’ ‘You are pregnant? It doesn’t matter, our marriage is just by the corner.’

Hahaha. One chance, babe, run, one chance! ‘Lemme do it like that, I won’t release inside.’ Hahaha. My sister, don’t let the devil use you, as soon as he drives close to his cassava plantation shout, ‘Freeze, hold it!’

5, Fuel Price Will Increase (Again) This Year.

It will and we will be okay with it. Because General Buhari has the best intentions for us. Because he is fighting corruption. Because he is a no-nonsense man and you dare not protest against him. Even when his policies are thought from a stuffed head and handed out in a platter of phlegm. 200 naira, one litre of fuel this year. Shut up and join the queue. Where were you when PDP destroyed the country for 16 years?

We are so timid in this country we deserve this hardministration.

6, Arsenal Will Win a Trophy This Year.

Not the usual FA Cup. No, something big and shiny. When I look at the trophy from the left, it is the champions league, when I look at it from the right it is the premiership. They might even win the two. Mysterious is the way of the Lord. Doubt whatever you want, who cares? You don’t matter. You are an agent of darkness.

Every Arsenal fan must fast and pray for 40 days (this is an order).

7, On MMM. 

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahaha.

8, Nigeria will be out of Recession.

Nigeria will be rescued from recession. But first they will enter repression, then depression. Finally, they will be safe. And this time around, it will be receshun.

‘Dis receshun is tew mach.’

9, I See Amnesty for Fulani Herdsmen This Year.

Kaduna State Governor the diminutive evil Elrufai has already said that he paid some Fulani herdsmen money not to attack Southern Kaduna communities but obviously the money is soo small that the Fulani came in broad day light and sacked one or two villages over Christmas. For peace to reign, we must come together in one accord and pay the herdsmen higher. I suggest we give them one trillion from the 7 trillion budgeted for 2017. Meanwhile I apologise for criticizing the importation of Brazilian grasses for Fulani cows. Because I now see that is the only way Fulani will pity us and give us peace. To add to this, every state must donate three local government areas for cattle grazing. Anyone who oppose these should be arrested and tried for treasonable felony.

I am not suggesting this with human intellect. That is what I see, and if you want peace you must support my spiritual suggestions.

10, The Trial of Mourinho Will Continue.

Mourinho’s Manchester United has won six matches in a row and people are beginning to think that Man U are back. They are not back to stay. The point is that Eva Caneiro is still angry with Mourinho and she alone is a legion of demons. She is only teasing him with these little victories. When Mourinho thinks he has arrived, his job is secured, she would appear from her office in the Deep Sea and cut him short. Eva Caneiro is the evil spirit that kills one when his life is the sweetest.

Finally, This Year.

事实上,我是想在自己的QQ空间写一段序言,我想了很久才想到这两三句话,但又觉得中文看起来不太好,所以也许把它翻译成英文会有诗意一点。所以在这里谢谢大家的帮助

Oh my God, oh my God. This is the most dangerous. I am bleeding with terrific reigns of nebulous intangibility. What this prophecy says, oh I cannot reveal it here, not in the blog. Oh Jireh. Too dangerous. Oh my God. This prophecy eh, you have to sow a seed before I uncover it. Email me at kingkingsley89@gmail.com for details on how to sow your seed. My friend don’t let the devil use you.

(Wait, did I tell you the meaning of TBC? ‘To be confirmed’. That is what it means; that is by the way. I am expecting your email/alert and {I repeat} don’t let the devil use you!)

I am outta here.

 

MMM: To Weep Or Not To Weep (Yet)?

Has MMM crashed?

There are two answers to this question. Depending on whom you ask. There are two people you can channel this dreadful question to. The Realist and the Optimist.

Has MMM crashed?

Realist: Yes, it has crashed, technically.

Optimist: No, it has not crashed, hopefully.

The large number of people who didn’t do MMM are in group one. They are praying and hoping that MMM crashes so that they can bare fangs and say, ‘I told you so. I warned you haha.’ The people who belong to the second group are the ones whose money is doing see-saw in MMM, the ones whose heart is doing see-saw as well (Please keep insecticide out of the reach of children  MMMites). This group has nothing else to do but to hold on to the faint hope that MMM will return in January and reward their heartache with naira.

Let me digress a little.

I have read so many articles hastily written about MMM by people who claim not to be involved in MMM. The intellectual, the entrepreneurs, the born again, the wise one, the broke-asses and the lily-livered. 70% of them actually have their house rent in MMM and they are too ashamed to come out as cry babies. Past her the hankie.

I am in MMM, so you can take this article as one written by a fellow mavrodian (what a name!). Well, before you begin to laugh or say ntoor to me, let me point out that I reluctantly entered MMM in late October just for the fun. It was like social media to me and most of my friends and colleagues were/are in it. And they continuously spammed me on Whatsapp and harassed me in the office until I reluctantly joined their demonic wagon. But I joined for fun, I swear; the money I make there, everything goes to charity through Okechukwu Foundation. Walahi.

I knew that MMM will never crash until I join. I said it on Facebook in October that MMM is waiting for me to enter. My village witches are tew much. So when I entered MMM, I put Small Money (in late October) and I allowed it to mature in early December before cashing out. Meanwhile in mid-November I opened another account using my brother’s account number. I put in another Small Money that will be used for Christmas. the money will mature on Friday and I intended to leave it and cash out on 23rd December (wise me). I even made a list on how to share the money. Aunty Uju, one hollandaise; Uncle Sam one bottle of schnapps. Etc.  Hahaha.

On the 7th of December, MMM announced 20% Christmas bonus; I was seduced. No reason to fear, after all my ‘Think Tank’ predicted that MMM won’t crash until the second quarter of 2017. Haha. So I asked to Provide Help with big money. Big Money. This was on Friday. Almost immediately, MMM matched me to pay someone. Giving me 96 hours. My antennae groaned. So soon? In the weekend? For so much time? I shrugged, MMM is strong and decided to pay. I brought out my phone and logged into FirstMobile app. I typed the person’s account number. Then ‘Jesus loves you’ popped up my phone.

Screenshot (10).pngIt was a Whatsapp message, from Tina who had not talked to me for a long time. I didn’t understand; why sent me a ‘Jesus loves you’ message. Why. Of course, Jesus loves me (a lot sef) but why will Tina suddenly tell me, out of the blue, this divine obvious fact? I logged out of my bank app and decided to chat her up. ‘What’s up Tina?’ She didn’t respond. I called her; she didn’t pick. But I was no longer in the mood to send the money. I decided to wait and see, after all I still had plenty time.

I woke up on Tuesday morning to the coup, MMM blowing grammar about freezing the account because of one crinkum to another crankum.

I lost my Christmas money, technically. But, my Big Money is in tact. Praise Master Jesus! Oh, if anything had ‘freezed’ my Big Money, I would have shown MMM that you cannot use the tail of the lion to tie firewood. I would have showed them that you do not hold a viper in the head whether it is dead or alive. I would have chewed them whole, swallow them whole and vomit them out whole. I would have shaved their head with their shin-bone. I would have–

What about my Christmas money that they froze? Erm… Well, let that one freeze, in fact let them pour a dozen of ice-block on it; after all Christmas is a time for sober reflection, meditating on the Great Birth of our Lord Jesus Christ and the glory of his salvation. Not a time to tie wrapper or drink kai-kai.

Has MMM crashed?

Technically speaking, I would say the panic the freezing has created has put it on the expresssway of crashing. But hopefully, they will come back strong and someone will pay me my Christmas money in January and I will give it to Miss Charity. But for this to happen, MMM guarders and consultants and administrators must get a new dibia. I suggest they go to Ijebu Ode or even India. The media lash, from radio to newspapers to social media on MMM is two much. People are panicking, confidence is low. MMM will not survive this, technically.

Is this then the time to weep about lost investment. No. Because…

1, You are greedy. You know it would eventually crash, you saw ultimate cycler speaking grammar, yet you left your head in a tumultuous dam in search of easy dough.

2, It is too early to cry. Wait till January.

3, It is too late to cry. What will your crying accomplish?

4, How much did you even lose? I spoke with someone this morning whose one million naira will mature this weekend, whose 2.5 million is due for cashing out on Christmas eve. So if you weep, what do you expect the guy to do? kill himself? Please, respect yourself.

5, Why cry when you can laugh about it?

6, It is not over until it is over.

7, Use the energy that would have been wasted crying to hit back at the mass media. Tell people around and on social media not to panic, lie that you have requested to PH, vow to pay out in January and laugh off the panickers as cowardly. Then travel to Ijebu Ode for the latest dibia. Help your ministry.

But has MMM really really crashed?

I am sick of this question. Ask yourself, ‘If MMM matches me to pay someone in January, will I?’ Now ask your friends and family. Your answers will give you an idea of whether MMM has really really crashed. Don’t ask me again. I am tired. I have work to do. Meanwhile share this post. If you do, you will get 20 dollars automatically. Then you will get ten percent of this for every one (referral) who reads it through you. Bonus points if you make a comment or like the post. I will pay you after thirty days, by and by, across the stream, technically. Ole.

Catch you in January.

Tweets to @Oke4chukwu