Last Rambling Of A Very Angry Nigerian

Read the very first rambling here .

I don’t know why I have the feeling that this is the last time I ramble about Nigeria. I have a few suggestions.

  1. Maybe I am going to die tomorrow.
  2. Maybe I am going to prison after this.
  3. Maybe data will become too expensive.
  4. Maybe I am going to be appointed by the government and put in charge of some big loot.

But in any of these cases, my rambling won’t stop. If I died tomorrow, then it is the government or people who work for the government who killed me; I can’t just die like that, in my mid-twenties (don’t be silly). Something must kill a man. Only one thing can kill a healthy angry Nigerian who has just begun life. My death will give birth to hundreds of ramblers more dangerous than me, and less likely to listen to reason. Remember the ‘silent working-class whites’ who elected Trump president? There are silent angry Nigerians reading and waiting for me to die before they set Nigeria on fire. (By the way, thunder will fire anyone who wants me dead before they stand up to the misdirection of Buhari and other idiocies in Nigeria. Ndiara).

Even if I go to prison, I will come out someday. Abi, is it life imprisonment? Whatever it is won’t stop me from rambling. If it’s a life term, I will ramble on from my cell. Didn’t Nnamdi Kanu write a letter to Trump from prison? I will ramble from prison.

If data become too expensive, I will still ramble. Remember that Psquare line, ‘If I no get money I get where to borrow.’ Ah ha. I does.

If I am appointed to oversee governmental loot, I won’t stop rambling. In fact, I will ramble smoother. I will open a new site and ramble under a moniker. I will also contract people to ramble every blessed in the site and I will pay them handsomely. You see.

So I don’t think today is my last rambling. Maybe for the year. Not forever, I guarantee you. Yea, that is the number 4 suggestion.

         5. I am not going to stop rambling.

But why use the title last rambling, to clickbait? Not really. Martin Luther King Jnr said for us to live and act as though everyday is the last day on earth. So I assume this blog post will be the last I ever blog. So I am going to write it with the fearlessness of a deathbed epistle. With the clarity of a lifetime tutelage in the field of wailing about the Nigerian Sickness.

I have broken the rambling into ten sub-sections. Some demand explanations, some don’t.

1, Nigerian Government is the only Ponzi Scheme in Nigeria

You know the CBN, governmental agencies and even the clueless House of Representatives are vocal in their disdain for MMM. They dismiss it as a ponzi scheme and call on all the good people of Nigeria to reject it. Laughs. It is laughable that the government only call on the ‘good people of Nigeria’ only when they want to shortchange Nigerians. ‘The good people of Nigeria must support subsidy removal. The good people of Nigeria must support Buhari’s change agenda’ (what the hell is it?). Etc.

But there are no good people in Nigeria no more. Only hungry people. Only frustrated people. You sit at home, hungry and watching your child walk home from school because you couldn’t pay her school fees. But you are being owed by the government, but no one cares; so the school owned by the same government pursues your child away. So you tune in the radio and hear the milk-softened voice of a politician who has never being owed, who will never be owed no matter what saying, ‘all good people of Nigeria must…’ ‘Hold it!’ It is hard to be good at this time. Nay, impossible.

This is not an endorsement of MMM; if anything, it is a shaming of government who know that we are on recession yet they buy jeep worth ten million naira every three months. Who budget billions on hardship allowances. And change furniture because they cannot sit in the same chair vacated by the previous corrupt government. And include in government payroll every member of their crony, both the living and death, plus the unborn and the un-thought of. They inflate every contract by 200 percent. But they are angry about MMM. Let thunder judge.

2, Violence is the Only Area Our Government is Efficient

Our president only reads cartoon. Can you blame him? He doesn’t even have high school certificate. Political analysis tires him; economic postulations and graphs confuse him.

‘Biafrans are protesting in Onitsha.’

‘Shias are in procession in Zaria.’

‘Niger Delta  avengers just bombed Chevron pipeline.’

These are the things Aso Rock is good at. I can (almost) hear Buhari issuing the orders, ‘Crush them! Shegu.’

Even this efficiency is tainted by northern bias which is normal with anything Buhari touches. Because Fulani herdsmen rampaging Benue, Enugu and Southern Kaduna have been spared this ‘crush them’ mentality. And with Boko Haram we see issues like: ‘We don’t have ammunition. US blocks arms sale. Soldiers morale is low. Corruption fights back. Bla bla  bla.’

3, Buhari Cares About Oyibo People More Than Us

The only criticism Buhari or the servants of Buhari respond to is the criticism in Daily Mail, the Economist, Wall Street Journal, Washington Post etc. You that is wailing in Vanguard Newspaper on Facebook, Twitter or WordPress is wasting your time and energy. The Government doesn’t care about the fact that you don’t have light, you haven’t eaten or seen no kobo of your pension. As long as the international community thinks that Buhari is a good leader and a world player, he and his people are fine.

Buhari is the woman who starves her children in order to pay jewelleries for the dance of the maiden in the market square.

4, Federal Government Values Law-Breakers More than You

Since Buhari became president no law-abiding citizen has benefitted one naira (name that person). But Boko Haram and Niger Delta Avengers have gotten alerts worth billions of naira. They are still negotiating with Boko Haram for billions more.

5, Corruption Is Still Lucrative.

If you listen to government officials like the crude Lai Mohammed and the shockingly and ingenuously clueless Kemi Adeosun you must have heard of the tiring ‘Corruption fights back’. That is also the key word of the rabid fanatical supporters of Buhari on Facebook comment boxes. Corruption doesn’t have to fight back because no one is fighting corruption. To paraphrase Ezeulu of Achebe’s Arrow of God, ‘If anybody tells you that Buhari or anyone is fighting corruption, tell him he is lying. I say tell him there is no grain of truth in his belly.’

What are Buhari and his people doing? They are fighting Buhari’s enemies. Period. How can Buhari fight corruption when:

i) his secretary of the federation used 270 million to cut grass in IDP camps;

ii) his chief of staff as Rivers governor spent billions of naira on monorail and couldn’t complete one kilometre;

iii) his chief of army staff  used snake farming to buy mansions in Dubai;

iv) his minister of power used 78 million naira for one bore hole;

v) his minister of Interior is a beneficiary of Dasuki loot;

vi) when his minister of communication reduced MTN’s fine after MTN dashed him 500 million naira data.

Etc.

I can go on and on. It is as long as the cast at the end of a Chinese movie—it’s endless. These people are sacred cows. No one can touch them.

screenshot-7

Now you get the picture, no one is fighting corruption.

‘At least no one is stealing’. That is another insensible excuse Buhari’s thinning supporters parrot. Even those who parrot this don’t believe their sermon. Billions are being stolen every day. How do I know? It is simple. We are running on six million naira budget. One single project hasn’t being executed yet FG is looking for addition 30 billion dollars loan. Hahaha.

Pass me the bottle jor.

6, Nollywood Will Never Change.

I know there are some movie-makers who are out to make good movies, I have heard of the movie CEO. I have seen the trailer and I believe it will make for a decent seeing. But I have also seen the poster of the movie, Chidinma and the Cucumber. I have made a post on facebook dissing the filmmaker Elvis Ogbonna whom I refer to as animal-in-chief of the federal republic (I am lenient). Imagine the punk making film from the scandal of a young girl. With the like of Elvis being able to make movies, until we deny vultures the power to make films, Nollywood will remain the laughing stock of movie industries worldwide. For every one good movie Kunle Afolayan makes there are hundreds of Elvises making nonsense. I don’t think the few creative filmmakers can compete with the Upper-Iwekalisation of Nollywood.

8, Nigerian Government is the Only Ponzi Scheme in Nigeria

I think I have said this before. Well, it can’t be overstated. The federal, state, local governments and all their arms combined are the yahoo yahoo happening in Nigeria. They are the official 419 of the Federal Republic.

Wait, did I skip item seven? I think you know why.

9, Nigeria is in the Stone Age.

Yeah, we still burn thieves alive. You steal, we catch you, we put tire around your neck, douse you with gasoline and light the light. Then we go home, take our bath and attend a rally done in defence of a big politician who stole billions.

Nigeria is jungle. And some people ask Soyinka to tear his green card; the same card which is the only link he has with the 21st century. Is like your head is not correct.

10, This is not my last rambling.

Tweets to @Oke4chukwu

Trump, Fake Prophecies And Nigerian Hypocrisy

‘If I have Five hours to see a prophecy, I will use four hours to ask God whether to disclose the prophecy or not.’

Sometimes, God might just be gisting with you and you will just run to Church and announce. Sometimes, God is pulling your legs and you can’t even see that he is smiling and you won’t wait to hear Him say ‘na joke o’ because you are in a hurry to play Elijah on the mountain. And, very likely, it is not God who talked to you. Maybe Gody the mechanic. Maybe Godiya the hairdresser. Or one of the twenty thousand gods roaming African huts in search of worshippers told you. Or, you didn’t hear God very well. Maybe God spoke with American accent. ‘The election will gonna be won by a human’ and you thought he said ‘woman’. Human not woman, punk!

The most difficult job in Nigeria right now is that of the prophet. Predicting politics has disgraced so many ministries. Some people predicted that Jonathan will win the Nigerian election and Jonathan lost and they are still alive and they still have members. And their members still believe them, still give offering. That is the beauty of our prophets, they fall many times and they rise again, with their tongues scratching to join the debate, to prove what point?

You can’t cuss them. After all, no one has ever gone to hell or prison on the strength of the veracity of his prophecies.

So should we stone anybody for predicting that a mad man won’t be elected to the presidency? He who has never believed a fake prophecy before, let him cast the first stone. But, from now henceforward, I will be watching Emmanuel TV with one kain eye. And whenever US election is mentioned, many people will unconsciously remember Synagogue and leer. Chai. This is real mess.

Now Nigerians are excited over the victory of a mad man in Amerika. Why? Because we are hypocrites! Nigerians are hypocrites. Hypocrites. I only said it once, it’s the echo. I didn’t underline it, it’s the shock.

Not just hypocrisy, plus wickedness. How can you be suffering Buhari in Nigeria and merry that Amerika is afflicted with Trump? Don’t you know that Amerika is our second home? One million Nigerians there and counting. Not counting the 300,000 of them with expired papers, with dirty papers, with fake papers, with future papers. What will it profit you that we can no longer run to Amerika at ease, that our brothers will no longer live in Amerika at ease? Are you a witch? How can you be so poor and so witchy? Can’t you use your witchcraft in better way? Like putting a plate of rice more than once a week on your table. Like footing your bills without looking for a fall guy. Like passing your exams!

Yesterday, I wrote on my wall that we might laugh at Amerika for voting a pussy-grabber and you come to my comment box to tell me that using the word pussy speaks badly of me. Yet, you celebrate the election of one who grabs pussy and is proud of grabbing pussies. Pussy is not bad when Trump grabs it; it becomes a taboo when I write pussy. Pussy (Echo). Hypocrites! Hypocrites!! (Echo).

I don’t know why Nigerians are happy about Trump but the few I have spoken to have rambled and befuddled me as much as they are self-befuddled. But the sense I picked out of it all is that some believe Trump will give them Biafra (I laugh); some want Trump because he is tough on terrorism (I laugh); some want Trump because of his arrogance (are you well at all?). Some want Trump because he is a man and only a man can be commander in chief in Amerika (Penis monger!). Some follow Trump’s tail because he is a business man and would create plenty jobs in  America (who taught you economics—didn’t trump bankrupt everything bankruptable?—including a casino!) (I laugh with tears). Some call themselves Trumpers because he is honest (I think you lack either education or honesty yourself).

Dangerously, some cheer Trump because he romances and legitimizes the animal in them (pity, pity). From now on, when they insult women, when they block women in a lonely passage, when they gloat about conquering women, they will not be ashamed, they will be bold and every reasonable concern against these will be scorned off by the precedence set by their lord and saviour Trump (shameful). Some women don’t like Trump but they will rather see a woman-hater and cheat become president than for Hillary Clinton to rise to most powerful office on earth. Why, I don’t know. But for some women, fighting/hating women comes natural to them (I feel sorry for you).

If you ever looked at America for guidance on democracy and freedom, this is your reality check. The land of Abraham Lincoln, Rosa Parks, John F. Kennedy and Martin Luther King Jnr has nose-dived into the abyss of chaos built on hate and fear.

Back to (Nigerian) hypocrisy.

The chief hypocrite is Nigeria president Buhari. This is a man who has never accepted defeat in any election. He lost in 2003, in 2007 and 2011; in all he contested the results, painting the winner as usurper, plus the 2011 widespread ethno-religious killings and arson in the north, his core support base fueled by his I-no-gree rhetoric. Buhari is yet to apologise or condemn the carnage. Buhari has never congratulated any Nigerian politician for winning an election. His spokespeople give an inane excuse built on the false altar of righteousness that Buhari doesn’t congratulate anyone because the election might have been rigged. He doesn’t say congrats even when the election is certified in the Supreme Court. Why, because he’s a selfish uncultured human being.

But he congratulates a foreigner.

Why not! Our people are undisciplined, our people are corrupt, our people are foolish. But oyibo people are the best. You see your life? You call yourself president but you don’t hide your disdain for your people including the electoral process that brought you to power. And you can’t wait to bow before the shrine of neo-imperial hegemony.

And he congratulated Trump on behalf of Nigerians.

Hahaha.buhari-uppercut-hard-voices

Buhari is a world key player. Are you happy? Pass. Now can we go back to talking about the economy you met as the fastest growing economy in the world and wrecked into recession in less than a year.

One last word for Trump. I don’t wish you well. Yes, I am not a hypocrite and I am not under any obligation to pretend to feel what I don’t feel. As a matter of reversed happiness, let Amerika feel the real impact of bad governance. The evil governance they exaggerate and condemn with soiled righteousness in the middle east, in Asia and Africa has come home to roost in the Oval Office. Let Trump wreck US economy, let him imprison political opponents and suppress the media and shoot protesters. After Trump, Amerika will appreciate the raw extent of crooked leadership. I see no better way to punish Amerika than giving them a man who has a little Saddam Hussein, a little Gaddafi, a little Hitler, a little Fidel Castro, a little Putin and a little Mugabe in him.

Ah ha. These are interesting times. I have nothing else to add. Pass me the bottle.

Tweets to @Oke4chukwu