Eleven New Year Resolutions from the Angry Nigerian

January has wasted thirteen days as it is now. 25 days to go. Yeah, yeah, I failed my maths, I know, I know but January is always a long month. Last year’s January lasted 55 days. Mehn, saw my eyes with my ears. First, MMM waylaid me on the highway and stole the money I was reserving for Christmas. I got paid on the 19th and on the Boxing Day, le salary was bleeding profusely through the nose. By the end of the end of the month, I buried my transport money in my bra to avoid stories that touch the left side of the chest.

When I came back to Enugu in January, it was a total angry man (not me) that was walking the roads and parading himself as myself. To add injury to salt, one babe like that was carrying face over allocatory matters. January is as long as your bank account. This year, January, God pass you. In fact, let’s not bother the Almighty with this, I can handle this particular January. The Lord has given me victory and I have made a public show of January 2018 in front of Diamond Bank cubicle in Garden Avenue.

That is by the way.

I have resolutions. Normally, at the beginning of the year, I release prophecies but since I went to the synagogue and prophesied that a woman will be president of the United States and the last son of Lucifer became president, I have decided to respect myself.

Resolutions! Eleven of them. Why eleven? Well, a certain Man of Galilee had twelve disciplines and one of them betrayed him because of thirty pieces of Zimbabwean dollars or something like that. I don’t care. I don’t pay close attention to the deeds of villains. Man’s not hot, I have decided to do with eleven resolutions. Keep the Judas. Have you ever seen a bicycle in a filling station?

1, I will laugh more often.

I laugh once a year. Hehehe. That’s all. Till next year. My Instagram bio described me perfectly. Writer, blogger, sadist. Anger is my facial default setting. I am angry until someone annoys me. I never laugh. Those who know me will say it’s a lie. What do they know, because I laugh on phone with you? Let me confess, it wasn’t me. I have a broken tape with which I recorded a laugh. So when you crack a joke, it is the recorded laughter that laughs with you. Yeah, one robot to another. I am waiting for you to end the call, so I can save my battery.

If I were a character, I would be Stannis. Stannis of the House Wailers. I will lead my army to the capitol, capture Jibril and set Aso Rock ablaze. Hehehe.

I have already laughed two times on this post. One last laughter for the rest of the year.

2, I no longer have a special barber.

I came back from the village this year with a bushy head because I didn’t want anybody except my barber cutting my head off. Plan was to go to my personal barber first thing on arrival but nigger was too tired, nigger rested his bones, nigger went to work the next day with bushy head, scattered sideboards and overgrown beard. Wasn’t so proud of me. After work, at night, midnight I think, I got a New Year message from my colleague on Whatsapp. She wrote:

You coundnt even cut your hair. O gini?

I died a little. An early shot on target. Wow.

My barber’s name is Tunde. Before Tunde, Olaniyi was. Before clipper, razor was. Before I came to this town, I have had haircuts.  He’s the only one who understands my head and all. Vanity, says the barbee. All na wash. Wanity, if I may. Who my barber help? If my hair gets due, I will get the nearest barber to cut my head off.

I am handsome with or without Tunde. The style of haircut on my big head has little influence on my crush and crushed, why kill myself? Monkey no fine, says Tekno, but im mama like am…

Wait o, are you trying to call me a monkey? It is your village igwe that is a monkey. Oloshi.

3, I will no longer woo girls.

I have been toasting, yarning, and chyking and lying to girls since 1924, what have come out of it? Nothing. I am done. I am going to face my allocatory matters. Think I have used this word before, but I can’t suffer to invent a new word then use it once. Allocatory matters. Back to the wooing decision, take a look at this list.

Uche Jombo,

Sinach,

Noella,

Linda Ikeji,

Etc.

All of them rejected me. I am done chasing girls. If you like me, block me on the road, shoot your shot, buy me shawarma, sing my name to high heaven, after all said and done and undone, last, last, I will give you a wrong number.

I am proving hard to get.

4, I will buy my second car this year but haters will say I don’t even have one car. Pay them no heed.

5, I will make one billion this year.

Paul and Silas, they prayed

After praying, they sang

After singing

The Holy Ghost came down.

 

I the dreamer, I dreamed

After dreaming, I wished

After wishing

I made my first billion.

 

You the reader, you laugh

After laughing, drink your garri

After drinking

Watch your back for your village people are coming.

6, My landlord will not make heaven.

But this is not a resolution. Whatever. That man will not make heaven. He cannot. Last month, one fine morning, I was whistling, on my way to somewhere or nowhere, he saw me and I said, “Morning, sir.” He said morning, then added: “I hope you remember that your rent expires on April 27.” Imagine the dickhead. He never remembers my name but somehow he knows the exact minute and hour whence my rent hits the end. How can such man see the Holy Son of God?

(Note that April 27 is not the day my rent expires. I don’t know. Only the man who will not see Jesus knows. I am saying this so that if in July you mistakenly pinch for a loan and I say I don’t have because I just paid my rent don’t call me a liar.)

7, This is item seven. Well, that reminds me of my desire to cook more often this year. I was unable to sleep some night ago so I decided to analyse the sources of my food.

Tea and bread and noodles and eggs and sprite and Nutri Milk = 30%

Zinc restaurant = 30%

Restaurant = 20%

Home-cooked by those who will not be mentioned = 5%

Home-cooked by he or she who shall not be mentioned = 3%

Home cooked by this nigger writing this = 1%

Other = 10%.

My goal is to increase the times I cook real food for myself to 3%. The guy I buy gas from is my friend and he expects me to buy the gas more often. So I will cook and I will cook difficult traditional food like akidi, fiofio, okpa, osu une, agada, usana, pripri, kpikpi, njanja etc. (For your information, 70% of the food doesn’t exist anywhere. Swallow your saliva and take your pot belly westward, you glutton!)

8, The state of war still exists between me and Nigerian tailors.

This one is not a New Year resolution. It is an old beef carried over into the New Year.

Sunny, hello, Sunny? Please open the door. I just want to talk to you.

hidden stones

 

9, I need more rich friends this year.

I am sick of friends who complain over Nepa bill and who moan and whine over fifty naira increment on some provision and stay away from the internet for days because of “MB” and have heart attack over buying boo a handbag. I love you but this year I prefer to be more with guys who talk like this:

“Victor came back from Turkey since July and has been staying in a hotel, eating breakfast, lunch, dinner in the hotel and entertaining friends every night.”

“Emeka bashed his Toyota on a pole and bought a Ford Edge the next week.”

“Agatha apologized to her boyfriend by taking him to Dubai for a weekend.”

A Facebook philosopher once said if you don’t have up to ten people on your friend list who are able to give you 100 thousand naira loan on a short notice, you are a broke ass. He is right, you are as broke as the five people closest to you. Being wealthy has a lot to do with psychology and the unconscious so the people and atmosphere you create around you matter.

Psqaure said, “If I no get money, I get where to borrow.” Last year, I had a problem with EFCC and they froze my three accounts, I needed to raise 30K urgently for something. Ordinary 30K you people couldn’t raise me; you people were swearing on your grandfather’s grave that you don’t have. Is over between us. Go away, it is people like me that have Wizkid, Davido and DJ Cuppy as friends. I know what to do this year. Don’t be emotional about this. Go and make money.

Signed management.

10, I will walk down the aisle this year.

As a best man or one of the men in suit. Since my mother gave birth to me (before is it your mother that will give birth to me?) I have never been part of a wedding train. A train is going too far. Never been part of a wedding motorcycle. I can’t take this. I am putting an end to this, this year. Where are thee, you sons of guns that call theeself my friends? Take your ass off that Betnaija shop and do the needful.

11, I want to be more forgiving this year.

It is a fact universally unacknowledged that it takes me a while to forgive. No, I am not talking about Jibrin and Rochas and Kogi’s Bello and Fulani herdsmen and Femi Adesina and Lauretta Onochie etc. These people don’t need my forgiveness. Their matter is already out of my hand. It’s for the gods and the oracles of the hills and the caves to decide. Any other person not on this list and who is not my landlord I free from my heart and offer a hand of friendship forget-me.

No, I won’t forgive that babe who sent the “You coundnt even cut your hair” message to me. Baby, watch your back, I am the oracle that kills one when her life is in the sweetness.

I will destroy you.

Tweets to @oke4chukwu

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2017 Mid-Term Report: So Far So Far

Sigh. 2017 has blasted six months. It is half-past 2017. Six months to go. In January, I wrote 40-something things I wish to achieve this year, or stop doing. For instance, I set a goal of making one billion naira by December; well, I haven’t done so badly, it’s just remaining 999 million, 990 something thousand naira. No, I haven’t done bad. I also promised to stop abusing politicians. Well, although, I still think that Rochas is an impersonator of reality who should be made to carry a keg of palm oil with his ‘my people, my people’ head and made to trek from Owerri to Okigwe with a bag of warm pure water to aid him. But I don’t say this aloud, I am a changed man!

2017, how far? So far.

I woke up this morning and I couldn’t find my legs. When I found them, I couldn’t move them. Well, I tried moving them, they wouldn’t budge. Good God, what has happened to my legs, my legs? I pushed hard and my bag fell off the bed. I had placed the bag on the bed in order to pick the clothes for my journey to the village to start the talk over my marriage to the policewoman I love, and I fell asleep mid-picking and now the bag stood in the space for my legs.

I am grateful to God for two healthy legs.  I might not be rich, hunger might have made me abuse you on Whatsapp, but if Nigeria is invaded by aliens tomorrow, I am surely going to outrun you and 170 million people. What would it profit you to have the whole world and end up in the belly of a vampire?

Bad as it is, I have done some good. I have a few achievements this year so far.

1, I met a policewoman

She is tall, slim, chocolate, with full hips, flat tummy, well-formed br… in short, believe me, she is beautiful. Plus those arresting lips. Plus she has a sense of humour; a great conversationist, a compassionate listener who can cook, pray for more than one hour, and does not eat pizza more than once a week. What else do you want from a lady? I have picked my marriage date, November 2019. Save the date. And stop laughing, idiot.

‘Mr Kingsley, would you accept this handcuff as a token of the love of your Queen, to be handcuffed and beloved, till death do you part?’ ‘Why not?’

2, I still polish my shoes.

What is the big deal you ask? Nothing. Just that if you go into any kiosk or shop or mall, whatever, and ask how much kiwi polish costs, you would appreciate the fact that I still polish my shoes daily. And mind you, half of the people in Nigeria use grind charcoal and the other half wear Aba made Converse.

3, I wrote a small ebook.

37 Ways to Survive Nigeria. The book is expected out this July but I am angry. Some group of half-educated, poorly educated, socially handicapped, mentally crippled yoots in the North threatened to ‘mop-up’ my people if they don’t leave ‘their’ land by October 1st. I would not release the ebook until after my anger over the ‘quit notice’ from the aspiring looters.

Does it mean I am taking their words seriously? I am. But I am more angry with the politicians who refused to arrest the criminals and jail them, or even seriously condemn them. This Nigeria doesn’t deserve my book. Not now, maybe never.

But I wrote a book this year. Ihuuuuuuuuuuuu!

4, I am still friends with my landlord.

My landlord drives me crazy. I don’t smoke weed, I don’t carry women except for one of my church members who sometimes visit Brother Kingsley (half of the compound smoke weed and the other half carry a variety of women who are not their church members). I don’t come back in the middle of the night to knock on the gate; I don’t play music in deafening decibels; I come out for monthly sanitation. I am an ideal tenant.

But no, the man won’t let me be. Whenever he sees me he would pluck a bill from the air and ask me to pay. Nepa bill, security, grass-cutting bill, suck away pit packing bill etc. How many times did I shit in this house, yet I am expected to pay for suck-away evacuation? This is injustice!

And he has a way of giving unsolicited advice and turning up like a ghost without a funeral when you want to mind your business the most. I am tired.

But we are still friends, wow!

5, I am not owing anybody.

Since I left the university I had had the fortune (insert good or bad) of working where my allowance/salaries do not exceed the 15th of the month. Which meant, I usually had cause to borrow before the end of the month. But this year I have not borrowed anything except if you wish to count the time I collected lighter from my neigbour . Even if I did borrow something tangible, you won’t know. The person that would come to the comment box to say he lent me anything, that person should just write his will because I have connections with Italian Mafian special cross-country snippers. Hehe, or,  better still,  I would chew you alive, swallow you and vomit you out whole.

And I am not owing anyone except, of course, one or two girls I owe pension. And this pension, I am not the only one owing. The Federal Government owes pension. State governments owe pension. I owe pension, no big deal. You are free to abuse me on the comment box.

6, I have conquered coke.

Yes, I used to drink coke nearly every day, sometimes twice or even thrice a day. No, I am not moved by the bullshit about seven cubes of sugar and coke will kill your sperm or give you diabetes nonsense. But I hate addiction and every form of it. I hate being in a position of craving for anything. Obsession annoys me, makes me feel like a slave, belittles me and insult my intellect; so I put a giant full-stop on coke.

I went a day without coke, I survived.

I went a week without coke, I survived.

Went a month, I survived.

Now I take coke occasionally which is twice or thrice a week. And this last month, I took more Pepsi than coke so what are you talking? I defeated coke in victory.

And having disarmed the powers and authorities of coca-cola, I made a public show of coke. Where O coke is thy sting? I am free. God has broken the power of soda in my life. Praise the Lord.

7, I have two working legs

Whatever happens, I am so glad to have my two bony legs intact!

Pass me the bottle.

Tweet me on @oke4chukwu. If you wish to abuse me privately, use teamokechukwu@gmail.com

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