Six Types Of Suicide (You Might Be Committing Unknowingly)

Someone must have lied against me because without having done anything wrong, I got a truckload of work on my desk. The work ate me alive and vomited me whole. Phew, I survived. Pass me a medal. It’s not over yet. I still have no space. My boss just stepped downstairs so I sneaked into this blog to beat you guys with your shinbone.

Note: stop praying for a job (who job help?), just go straight to the point and ask God for money. All this pretext, I want to build my skills, I hate being idle etc are bullshit. It is money we’re all after. Making ‘I want to build my skills’ comment is just you polishing your greed. That’s by the way.

A lot has happened since I last wrote here. Suicide, depression, certificate scandals etc have trended in Nigeria (and still trend). On the certificate issue, I have already written why you shouldn’t go to school, I won’t bother talking about the A4 piece of paper schools issue people who are gullible enough to gather in an overcrowded lecture hall for a lecturer who hasn’t updated his notes since 1994 to abuse.

I don’t know enough about depression. Depression is already bad in itself without quack doctors like me adding to the library of guesswork, cant, and blackhat diagnosis. I am still researching on depression. No, don’t send me any links on WhatsApp. I will find my way, my own way. Thanks.

Let’s talk suicide.

Suicide is a big issue. To understand it, we will divide it into two broad types–the instant suicide when you jump into the lagoon, or fly into the path of a speeding truck or drink ‘ota pia pia’, or trust APC; then there is the slow or shallow suicide which is the one I will talk about here. It is the one people are more likely to neglect or overlook. Funnily, this type of suicide we must have committed one time or the other, or still committing.

Seven of them.

1, Ponzi Schemes

My dear this is suicide. Put ten thousand to get twenty; put twenty to get one million. Dangerous game. Nine out of ten times, you will lose. I had a close shave with MMM. I can count on the fingers of both hands, the number of people who are yet to recover from MMM criminal affair. In April. And there many of them Get Help Africa, Get Help Worldwide, Cashdomain. Nairalift etc. All is suicide. What kind of help do you expect from a total stranger? They want to help you eat your money. Run, bro, run!

And it is addictive. You lose one thousand, you decide to recover it. You win two thousand, you get greedier.

Please, check out among your colleagues, neighbours and family. Is anyone looking dull, forgetful or tattered? Did he play any Ponzi? Please hug someone. Keep dangerous substances out of the reach of Ponzi children. Collect their account number, send them one thousand naira. Buy them zobo. Pray for them.

And most importantly, stay out of Ponzi sites yourself.

2, Abusive Relationship

You know, whenever we mention abusive relationship we subconsciously envision a lady in physical abuse. That is the most pictorial abuse, but that is not even the most popular abuse. We have criminals, terrorists, 419ners, armed robbers parading as boyfriends and girlfriends, launching all sorts of abuse. From mental abuse, to emotional abuse, to economic abuse, to social abuse, and even destiny abuse. If you remain in an abusive relationship, you are digging your grave, slowly. One day you will be lowered into it.

Wait, you don’t understand destiny abuse? Now, what do you call a relationship where a man earns 90 thousand a month with no side business yet his girl requests for 150 thousand naira phone and gives him a deadline? And the guy is running around ‘to see what I can do’. My brother, run for your life. Stop looking for a shovel to dig your grave. Run, brother run. There are no village witches. You have one witch, your girlfriend and she is a city witch. Runaway, idiot. Idiot.

3, Smoking and Drinking

You take a pack of cigarettes and you read clearly Smokers are liable to die young. Mehn, what other argument do you want? My friend, you are digging your grave. I have nothing more to say on smoking, go and argue with the federal ministry of health.

Occasional consumption of alcohol is not the issue here.

Suicide is when you drink your life to a stage where you crave for alcohol, where you can’t stop as soon as the first bottle hits your teeth, where you need alcohol to build your morale, forget a disappoint or solve your problem. My friend, you are already on top Mainland Bridge. One more sip and you will go tumbling down.

Pass me  the bottle.

4, Abortion

I consider abortion evil. I can understand a girl who at eighteen or nineteen failed to peer pressure or got led by a terrible mother or aunt who doesn’t want the shame in the family to abort. But there are a group of serial abortionists that are committing suicide. I know or used to know a few couples who have sex without condom (because I don’t like the smell of condom, condom reduces the sweetness, condom is too rough, wow, wow, wow, etc) the girl misses her period, they get a test strip, confirm it and she takes an abortion pill. End of problem. (No talk of HIV and other STDs even).

Two or three months later, the same thing happens. They terminate. They resume sex. Pregnant. Terminate. Press repeat. So you see a three years relationship canopied with twelve to fifteen abortions. Jesus!

Have you no sense? This is not even murder, it is homicide, genocide even. You are shedding blood. I don’t care what you believe in but blood is powerful. No bloodshed will go unanswered. So you are not only risking your womb, you are risking your life, and your future. You and the nigger who pays for the mess.

Incase you missed Seven Signs You Have Poverty Mentality

5, Money-Crazed

If money means so much to you that you can do anything to get it, if you are depressed when you don’t have enough and you toss on the bed and eat yourself up, you are digging your grave. Who doesn’t like money? Nobody. The question is, who has money ruling (and ruining) his life? If money is the most important thing in your life, if money is the thing you live for, fight for, then you have a shovel.

Nigeria is a hard country and money is so slow to come by and nearly everything is for sale, including ‘good morning’ and ‘I miss you’. Understandable. But the bad news is that money doesn’t necessarily come to people who hustle harder or worry their head off. If your village witches are sitting on your source of income, forget it. Just eat your soaked garri and belch happily.

What things are more important than money? you may ask. A lot. Eg:

1, your life.

2, your happiness.

3, your family.

4, your health.

5, peace of mind.

6, good name.

7, love.

More or less. Which of the above can money buy? Yeah, money can take care of your family but not when you are rotting in Kuje Maximum Prison. The point is, if you need money to be validated, to feel fulfilled you will never get enough for a complete validation and fulfilment. You will keep trying until strong hands carry you, dig a grave and lower your carcass.

6, If You Stand With Any Nigerian Politician especially Buhari and other APC incompetent hypocrites woe betide you! Sorry, says the blogger, sorry is your name!

I am outta here.

Seven Signs You Have Poverty Mentality

These days, I am getting serious insights. I will sit down eating and suddenly 12 signs you are a terrible eater would drop into my mind. I get into a car—18 signs your car is made in China; I see a nice looking girl—9 signs she isn’t a wife material; I read your poem—23 signs you are a terrible writer; I sit in the toilet—5 reasons not to shit before 6am. Etc. Insights are pouring out like a burst dam. My head is out of control, overflowing with ideas.

Thank God for this blog.

Yesterday, in my townspeople meeting, someone did something casual but terrible and suddenly 7 Signs You Have Poverty Mentality dropped on my laps. While in the car, on the way home I began to compose this post.

What is poverty mentality? If you expect me to start with ‘Poverty Mentality can be defined as…’ then you deserve a medal for your overconfidence. Mehn, the things you expect me to do! I left secondary school in 1977 and can’t define things that ‘can be defined as’. The only thing I can say for definition is that poverty mentality is a state of thoughts in pari passu with the poverty mentality. Thank you. If you are still confused you may sue.

Let’s go.

1, If You Assume the World Revolves Around Your Poverty.

People with this mentality usually use their lack as a yardstick to measure waste and extravagance. For instance, if I say ‘My uncle spent 300 thousand naira on that pair of shoes’ someone with poverty mentality would respond thus: ‘That money could have paid for my rent plus buy a new TV and two years DSTV subscription. Chai, that is an utter waste. Honestly, that guy wasted real money there.’

Yeah, it might be a waste but the fact that you use yourself as an example of one who needs help says it all. There are hundreds of millions of people you are better than, from refugees to the homeless, to the motherless, yet you chose to present yourself as the sole symbol of lack.

Poverty mentality, bro, that’s your matter.

2, If You Investigate the Worth of Gifts You Receive.

Someone gets you a gift and you want to know how much. Mostly, because you still have the possession of your senses (sometimes actually) you don’t ask him; you go to Konga or Jumia and search for phantom 6 gold. Just to see the price.

It is not even that you are ungrateful. No, just that you are a price tag. You are never satisfied util you attach a price to every possession. He buys you a set of bra and you bring them out one by one; ‘this one should be 300 naira, this one is around 850 naira.’ Ah ha, poverty mentality noni.

Those people who stop you on the way and ask, ‘how much did you buy these shoes?’ or ‘Beautiful gold chain. How much?’ poverty mentality is their problem.

Poverty mentality, said the blogger, all is poverty mentality.

If you missed: 10 Signs You are not ready for Marriage

3, If ‘Expensive’ is Your Favourite Adjective.

Mostly it is not that you wish to brag. Sometimes the things you use ‘expensive’ to modify don’t belong to you; no brag. You just like the word. Oh, how you love the word. The magical word. The word differentiates the ordinary for you. An expensive watch, an expensive trip, an expensive restaurant, an expensive wedding, an expensive toilet etc. Now, let’s try this, an expensive fool.

Perhaps your vocabulary is limited. You don’t have a poverty mentality. You just have an expensive poverty mentality.

4, If Material Things Are the First You Notice on People.

Yeah, you see your aunt for the first thing since 1912 and you cry as you run to hug her, ‘That is a diamond bracelet you are wearing!’

Are you okay?

5, If Everything You Stand For Has a Price.

Now let’s do some practicals. Answer these questions to yourself:

‘Can you let your boyfriend/girlfriend sleep with your best friend for 25 million naira?’

‘Can you betray your brother for 60 million naira?’

‘Can you leak your firm’s top secret for a managerial position in a rival firm?’

‘Can you send nudes for 100 thousand dollars?’

‘Can you testify falsely against a public figure for 40 million naira?’

‘Can you defend a corrupt/evil government in exchange for an appointment?’

Now go through the questions again and review your answers. If you as much as hesitated before any question, you don’t have a poverty mentality. You are for sale. Armed robber.

6, If You Judge the Success of an Event by How Much You Ate.

When people report that a wedding or a funeral was ‘wow’ I habitually asked what made it so? People with small mind reply that ‘big boys were there. The latest fashions, designers were on parade.’ Team poverty mentality would say ‘Mehn, food was surplus. Anything you want, serve yourself; be it ogbono, egusi, ora plus abacha with fresh fish plus chopped pomo. Ahh, and the rice, fried, jollof and white rice with stew or pepper soup. The chicken is the size of Banky W’s head…’ bla bla bla.

Do I need to say more?

If you missed: 10 Signs You are a Sadist

7, If You Can Fight Because of Food.

Most especially in public. Or quarrel or insult people because of food, food o. Ordinary food. Mehn, your poverty mentality is pregnant and nursing a baby at the same time. You see people dress in an expensive suit or asoke seriously abusing each other because of amala. But some ushers can make a bishop lose his cool.

The other day at a wedding, the usher kept bypassing our seat to carry drinks to some section of the hall. You could think is personal chi is leashed on that section. I stood up as he passed with the crate, reached and put one bottle of malt out. He grabbed the malt. I held tight. He increased his grip on the bottle. I refused to let go. Time stood still. The world stopped rotating. Finally, the punk let go.

I was so angry after drinking the malt I followed the guy. He had the crate between his legs as he gave the drink to people he considered superior. I reached for the crate and took another malt—

Poverty mentality!

Shut up. I was only displaying outrage. I was trying to tell the fellow that if I leave the premiership matches to come to this event, I was deserving of being served at least a bottle of malt. When denied one, as a statement, I would take two bottles.

Poverty mentality!

Stop shouting in here. This is my blog and I can hereby disqualify you. I decide what is poverty mentality.

But by taking two malts someone may not get any, you might point out if you wish to argue (I don’t have your strength). Perhaps someone won’t get any which is mostly because the ushers hid some crates. It happens at events. Everybody cannot get everything. It is a wedding not a meeting for gluttony. Anybody who didn’t get a bottle should relax, go home and drink pure water. They are the same thing. If the person complains aloud the person has poverty mentality. Period.

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