Ten Signs You Are Not Ready For Marriage

All my life, I have attended nearly ten weddings; three of them last February. These weddings were hits back to back. I have been thinking of marriage since then, having been seduced by the poetry of the vows, the glamour of the bridal train, the delight of the dance hall and soothing calm of John Legend’s voice.

Two months before, I was laughing in my mind as my mother hammered about the need to settle down, just stopping short of a deadline. Now, I am drawn.

But even this one will pass. In few weeks time, I will no longer salivate about weddings and I’ll become normal again. But while at it, I did a lot of thinking about marriage. Out of my idle philosophy comes this list. Of course the list is endless and feel free to add yours in the comment box.

Lucky Dube’s ‘It’s Not Easy’ is playing in the background as I write this.

(I will try not to abuse anyone).

1, If You Must Marry a Beautiful, Sexy Woman

When I see guys on Facebook describing their future wife, how she must be busty with large behind, solid hip, a beautiful face et cetra, I laugh cynically. Look at Nollywood, it is full of beautiful, sexy women with a broken home. Beauty and being sexy are not bad in themselves but if they are top on you list, you are still a child. You don’t know a thing.

I did not know that behind that beauty/Lies the true colors that will destroy me.

2, If You Ache for a Wealthy Man

No one is asking you to marry a boy with wallpaper in his room. But if you judge the guy by the size of his car, the class of his job and the fatness of his wallet, before you say I do, you are not ready. You are a lazy, opportunistic, gold-digger of the most extreme order.

Guys stinking with money are not bad (no, we are not #wink) but if you fix your eyes only in the wallet, you will overlook most of their faults. Faults that will haunt you when you become Mrs Money Bag.

In defense, some ladies have posted: ‘It is easier to cry inside a Lexus jeep than in a stuffy room’. You are not ready. you can’t be expecting and apologising for unhappiness and be ready.

This choice I made didn’t work out the way I thought it would.

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3, If You Will Only Marry from Your Ethnic Group

This is the twenty-first century but some people cage themselves in the basket of their ethnic group.

I used to nurse this ancient anachronistic pre-historic sentiment until in my first year in the university. There was this fine Igbo girl who usually came to our lodge to visit her guy. One day, in the company of two Igbo guys, I said ‘Nice couple, it’s a pity he’s not Igbo.’ These Igbo guys pounced on me and rebuked me seriously, and it dawned on me that I was living in the Stone Age.

Since then I have become a staunch apostle of freedom of choice which illiterates call ‘inter-tribal’ marriage. In pursuit of love, I have come to consider marrying Kogi, Rivers and Benue (you can read the funny marriage attempt of the latter here).

If I introduce my wife to my kindred and anyone says ‘What tribe is she?’ I would wound the person. I swear.

She said son did you take time to know her?

4, If You Must Never Marry From Certain Ethnic Groups

Some people don’t mind marrying from other cultures but they have blacklisted some they will never dream of marrying. I have met people who would never marry from or into Igboland. ‘Over my dead body,’ they say. I also know many ladies who are single in their late thirties because the preferred ‘tribe’ hasn’t come. Just legodi.

So many Nigerians are still in the darkness of bringing tribal talk into wedlock. No matter how inferior/bad you think some cultures are, a man in himself is psychological not entirely biology. All those stupid talks that Igbo people can do anything for money, Yoruba men are never faithful, Tiv wives are whatnot etc are stupid, useless, barbaric talk. Grow up, expand your horizon, this is 2017 and don’t let the devil use you!

I said mama she’s the best/But today it hurts me so.

5, If You Can Never Consider a Small Wedding

If your wedding must be the talk of the town (what is the use?) then you are not ready for marriage. You are just ripe for a big wedding. I have nothing more to say to you.

Maybe what the preacher man said was not something that was within you.

6, If Your Future Spouse Must be in a Particular Career

‘She must be a nurse. There is high demand of nurses in Amerika’.

‘I swear I must marry a pilot’.

If at your age, you voice these, you are an amazing idiot and I feel sorry for you.

It hurts me so mama.

7, If You Find Cheating on Your Boy/Girlfriend Easy

People who do not stick to one partner during relationship will have issues with being at marriage. Fidelity is a habit. It is not something you suddenly have because someone put a ring on your finger. A marriage certificate doesn’t confer ethics, it exposes the lack of ethics.

Admittedly, it is easier for women who were runs girls to ‘maintain’ at marriage but these girls have a shorter supply of immunity for temptation resistance than girls who were loyal. For men who were players, they hardly change; they just become more careful and more discreet after saying ‘I do’. That is when you hear a silly comment like ‘Men are polygamous by nature’. Crazy stupid talk!

Oh Lord I’m hurting now.

8, If You Are Under Pressure to Marry

Mothers worldwide are to blame for 90 percent of pressures heaped on single people to marry. ‘Your mates are married. You are not getting any younger. I want to carry your baby. When I was your age bla bla bla bla bla.’

Mama, don’t put your children’s head in a cooking gas because you want an in-law. Who in-law help? What is the ecological importance of in-laws?

Plus all these neighbours that would be asking ‘When will we eat your rice’ (I am seriously considering sharing buns and coke on my wedding); and friends who say ‘You are next in line’: You guys should give your life to Christ. You are only joking? stop it!

Back to mothers and parents, I am begging you people don’t let the devil use you.

But today it hurts me so/To go back to mama and say mama/I’m getting divorced.

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9, If You Are Too Big to Apologise After a Fight

Some people can keep malice for Africa. They look nice but their heart is a cage made of iron. They would rather die than make up a fight most especially when they think they are right. And we dey look for life partners. Okay.

You looked so beautiful and innocent.

10, If You Think You are not Ready

Then you are not. No matter how open-minded and emotionally stable you are, you are not ready for conjugal responsibilities. All these talks of ‘let me finish school first, let me serve first, let me work and look around a little first’ etc are mere excuses, red herrings for the main issue which is unreadiness.

Some guys say something like, ‘I need to enjoy my life first.’ Of course, this ‘enjoyment’ is a euphemism for an irresponsible lifestyle, bedding girls from coast to coast. YOU ARE NOT READY!

It’s not easy to understand it son
But I hope you’ll make it

You’ll be happy again

Bonus: If you are not following me on twitter @Oke4chukwu and you haven’t liked us on Facebook, you are not ready for marriage.  Period. Pass me the bottle.

Update: 7 Signs You Have Poverty Mentality

MMM: To Weep Or Not To Weep (Yet)?

Has MMM crashed?

There are two answers to this question. Depending on whom you ask. There are two people you can channel this dreadful question to. The Realist and the Optimist.

Has MMM crashed?

Realist: Yes, it has crashed, technically.

Optimist: No, it has not crashed, hopefully.

The large number of people who didn’t do MMM are in group one. They are praying and hoping that MMM crashes so that they can bare fangs and say, ‘I told you so. I warned you haha.’ The people who belong to the second group are the ones whose money is doing see-saw in MMM, the ones whose heart is doing see-saw as well (Please keep insecticide out of the reach of children  MMMites). This group has nothing else to do but to hold on to the faint hope that MMM will return in January and reward their heartache with naira.

Let me digress a little.

I have read so many articles hastily written about MMM by people who claim not to be involved in MMM. The intellectual, the entrepreneurs, the born again, the wise one, the broke-asses and the lily-livered. 70% of them actually have their house rent in MMM and they are too ashamed to come out as cry babies. Past her the hankie.

I am in MMM, so you can take this article as one written by a fellow mavrodian (what a name!). Well, before you begin to laugh or say ntoor to me, let me point out that I reluctantly entered MMM in late October just for the fun. It was like social media to me and most of my friends and colleagues were/are in it. And they continuously spammed me on Whatsapp and harassed me in the office until I reluctantly joined their demonic wagon. But I joined for fun, I swear; the money I make there, everything goes to charity through Okechukwu Foundation. Walahi.

I knew that MMM will never crash until I join. I said it on Facebook in October that MMM is waiting for me to enter. My village witches are tew much. So when I entered MMM, I put Small Money (in late October) and I allowed it to mature in early December before cashing out. Meanwhile in mid-November I opened another account using my brother’s account number. I put in another Small Money that will be used for Christmas. the money will mature on Friday and I intended to leave it and cash out on 23rd December (wise me). I even made a list on how to share the money. Aunty Uju, one hollandaise; Uncle Sam one bottle of schnapps. Etc.  Hahaha.

On the 7th of December, MMM announced 20% Christmas bonus; I was seduced. No reason to fear, after all my ‘Think Tank’ predicted that MMM won’t crash until the second quarter of 2017. Haha. So I asked to Provide Help with big money. Big Money. This was on Friday. Almost immediately, MMM matched me to pay someone. Giving me 96 hours. My antennae groaned. So soon? In the weekend? For so much time? I shrugged, MMM is strong and decided to pay. I brought out my phone and logged into FirstMobile app. I typed the person’s account number. Then ‘Jesus loves you’ popped up my phone.

Screenshot (10).pngIt was a Whatsapp message, from Tina who had not talked to me for a long time. I didn’t understand; why sent me a ‘Jesus loves you’ message. Why. Of course, Jesus loves me (a lot sef) but why will Tina suddenly tell me, out of the blue, this divine obvious fact? I logged out of my bank app and decided to chat her up. ‘What’s up Tina?’ She didn’t respond. I called her; she didn’t pick. But I was no longer in the mood to send the money. I decided to wait and see, after all I still had plenty time.

I woke up on Tuesday morning to the coup, MMM blowing grammar about freezing the account because of one crinkum to another crankum.

I lost my Christmas money, technically. But, my Big Money is in tact. Praise Master Jesus! Oh, if anything had ‘freezed’ my Big Money, I would have shown MMM that you cannot use the tail of the lion to tie firewood. I would have showed them that you do not hold a viper in the head whether it is dead or alive. I would have chewed them whole, swallow them whole and vomit them out whole. I would have shaved their head with their shin-bone. I would have–

What about my Christmas money that they froze? Erm… Well, let that one freeze, in fact let them pour a dozen of ice-block on it; after all Christmas is a time for sober reflection, meditating on the Great Birth of our Lord Jesus Christ and the glory of his salvation. Not a time to tie wrapper or drink kai-kai.

Has MMM crashed?

Technically speaking, I would say the panic the freezing has created has put it on the expresssway of crashing. But hopefully, they will come back strong and someone will pay me my Christmas money in January and I will give it to Miss Charity. But for this to happen, MMM guarders and consultants and administrators must get a new dibia. I suggest they go to Ijebu Ode or even India. The media lash, from radio to newspapers to social media on MMM is two much. People are panicking, confidence is low. MMM will not survive this, technically.

Is this then the time to weep about lost investment. No. Because…

1, You are greedy. You know it would eventually crash, you saw ultimate cycler speaking grammar, yet you left your head in a tumultuous dam in search of easy dough.

2, It is too early to cry. Wait till January.

3, It is too late to cry. What will your crying accomplish?

4, How much did you even lose? I spoke with someone this morning whose one million naira will mature this weekend, whose 2.5 million is due for cashing out on Christmas eve. So if you weep, what do you expect the guy to do? kill himself? Please, respect yourself.

5, Why cry when you can laugh about it?

6, It is not over until it is over.

7, Use the energy that would have been wasted crying to hit back at the mass media. Tell people around and on social media not to panic, lie that you have requested to PH, vow to pay out in January and laugh off the panickers as cowardly. Then travel to Ijebu Ode for the latest dibia. Help your ministry.

But has MMM really really crashed?

I am sick of this question. Ask yourself, ‘If MMM matches me to pay someone in January, will I?’ Now ask your friends and family. Your answers will give you an idea of whether MMM has really really crashed. Don’t ask me again. I am tired. I have work to do. Meanwhile share this post. If you do, you will get 20 dollars automatically. Then you will get ten percent of this for every one (referral) who reads it through you. Bonus points if you make a comment or like the post. I will pay you after thirty days, by and by, across the stream, technically. Ole.

Catch you in January.

Tweets to @Oke4chukwu