All my life, I have attended nearly ten weddings; three of them last February. These weddings were hits back to back. I have been thinking of marriage since then, having been seduced by the poetry of the vows, the glamour of the bridal train, the delight of the dance hall and soothing calm of John Legend’s voice.
Two months before, I was laughing in my mind as my mother hammered about the need to settle down, just stopping short of a deadline. Now, I am drawn.
But even this one will pass. In few weeks time, I will no longer salivate about weddings and I’ll become normal again. But while at it, I did a lot of thinking about marriage. Out of my idle philosophy comes this list. Of course the list is endless and feel free to add yours in the comment box.
Lucky Dube’s ‘It’s Not Easy’ is playing in the background as I write this.
(I will try not to abuse anyone).
1, If You Must Marry a Beautiful, Sexy Woman
When I see guys on Facebook describing their future wife, how she must be busty with large behind, solid hip, a beautiful face et cetra, I laugh cynically. Look at Nollywood, it is full of beautiful, sexy women with a broken home. Beauty and being sexy are not bad in themselves but if they are top on you list, you are still a child. You don’t know a thing.
I did not know that behind that beauty/Lies the true colors that will destroy me.
2, If You Ache for a Wealthy Man
No one is asking you to marry a boy with wallpaper in his room. But if you judge the guy by the size of his car, the class of his job and the fatness of his wallet, before you say I do, you are not ready. You are a lazy, opportunistic, gold-digger of the most extreme order.
Guys stinking with money are not bad (no, we are not #wink) but if you fix your eyes only in the wallet, you will overlook most of their faults. Faults that will haunt you when you become Mrs Money Bag.
In defense, some ladies have posted: ‘It is easier to cry inside a Lexus jeep than in a stuffy room’. You are not ready. you can’t be expecting and apologising for unhappiness and be ready.
This choice I made didn’t work out the way I thought it would.
3, If You Will Only Marry from Your Ethnic Group
This is the twenty-first century but some people cage themselves in the basket of their ethnic group.
I used to nurse this ancient anachronistic pre-historic sentiment until in my first year in the university. There was this fine Igbo girl who usually came to our lodge to visit her guy. One day, in the company of two Igbo guys, I said ‘Nice couple, it’s a pity he’s not Igbo.’ These Igbo guys pounced on me and rebuked me seriously, and it dawned on me that I was living in the Stone Age.
Since then I have become a staunch apostle of freedom of choice which illiterates call ‘inter-tribal’ marriage. In pursuit of love, I have come to consider marrying Kogi, Rivers and Benue (you can read the funny marriage attempt of the latter here).
If I introduce my wife to my kindred and anyone says ‘What tribe is she?’ I would wound the person. I swear.
She said son did you take time to know her?
4, If You Must Never Marry From Certain Ethnic Groups
Some people don’t mind marrying from other cultures but they have blacklisted some they will never dream of marrying. I have met people who would never marry from or into Igboland. ‘Over my dead body,’ they say. I also know many ladies who are single in their late thirties because the preferred ‘tribe’ hasn’t come. Just legodi.
So many Nigerians are still in the darkness of bringing tribal talk into wedlock. No matter how inferior/bad you think some cultures are, a man in himself is psychological not entirely biology. All those stupid talks that Igbo people can do anything for money, Yoruba men are never faithful, Tiv wives are whatnot etc are stupid, useless, barbaric talk. Grow up, expand your horizon, this is 2017 and don’t let the devil use you!
I said mama she’s the best/But today it hurts me so.
5, If You Can Never Consider a Small Wedding
If your wedding must be the talk of the town (what is the use?) then you are not ready for marriage. You are just ripe for a big wedding. I have nothing more to say to you.
Maybe what the preacher man said was not something that was within you.
6, If Your Future Spouse Must be in a Particular Career
‘She must be a nurse. There is high demand of nurses in Amerika’.
‘I swear I must marry a pilot’.
If at your age, you voice these, you are an amazing idiot and I feel sorry for you.
It hurts me so mama.
7, If You Find Cheating on Your Boy/Girlfriend Easy
People who do not stick to one partner during relationship will have issues with being at marriage. Fidelity is a habit. It is not something you suddenly have because someone put a ring on your finger. A marriage certificate doesn’t confer ethics, it exposes the lack of ethics.
Admittedly, it is easier for women who were runs girls to ‘maintain’ at marriage but these girls have a shorter supply of immunity for temptation resistance than girls who were loyal. For men who were players, they hardly change; they just become more careful and more discreet after saying ‘I do’. That is when you hear a silly comment like ‘Men are polygamous by nature’. Crazy stupid talk!
Oh Lord I’m hurting now.
8, If You Are Under Pressure to Marry
Mothers worldwide are to blame for 90 percent of pressures heaped on single people to marry. ‘Your mates are married. You are not getting any younger. I want to carry your baby. When I was your age bla bla bla bla bla.’
Mama, don’t put your children’s head in a cooking gas because you want an in-law. Who in-law help? What is the ecological importance of in-laws?
Plus all these neighbours that would be asking ‘When will we eat your rice’ (I am seriously considering sharing buns and coke on my wedding); and friends who say ‘You are next in line’: You guys should give your life to Christ. You are only joking? stop it!
Back to mothers and parents, I am begging you people don’t let the devil use you.
But today it hurts me so/To go back to mama and say mama/I’m getting divorced.
9, If You Are Too Big to Apologise After a Fight
Some people can keep malice for Africa. They look nice but their heart is a cage made of iron. They would rather die than make up a fight most especially when they think they are right. And we dey look for life partners. Okay.
You looked so beautiful and innocent.
10, If You Think You are not Ready
Then you are not. No matter how open-minded and emotionally stable you are, you are not ready for conjugal responsibilities. All these talks of ‘let me finish school first, let me serve first, let me work and look around a little first’ etc are mere excuses, red herrings for the main issue which is unreadiness.
Some guys say something like, ‘I need to enjoy my life first.’ Of course, this ‘enjoyment’ is a euphemism for an irresponsible lifestyle, bedding girls from coast to coast. YOU ARE NOT READY!
It’s not easy to understand it son
But I hope you’ll make it
You’ll be happy again
Bonus: If you are not following me on twitter @Oke4chukwu and you haven’t liked us on Facebook, you are not ready for marriage. Period. Pass me the bottle.