Dear Lady Who Wants to Sell Virginity for 600K

Dear Lady,
Good morning. Or good afternoon or evening. I don’t know the time there. It doesn’t matter. What matters is the good. On Friday (I work in the media so I see all the news as they break) I saw the headline ‘Nigerian lady wants to sell virginity for 600K.’ The devil wants to use someone, I thought dismissively and scrolled on. I didn’t bother reading.

At home, I saw the news (again) on Facebook. I read it. I felt anger at the sight of simplicity and confidence in sexual solicitation in its shameless and sleazy height; anger which thawed into a feeling mixed with pity and frustration in near-equal proportions. But, I reasoned, this may just be a publicity stunt or a sinister prank. Whatever, it has claimed media attention and I would write about it. I felt better.

Miss, you want to sell your virginity for 600 thousand naira? It’s your body, your virginity and your account number. I won’t tell you what to do with your body, your virginity and your account number. But I have a few things to say before you go that road. I am an intellectual and putting mouth on things that concern me not is my business. I have plenty issues with your proposal, but I would dwell on just three.

1, You sold yourself very cheap.
600 thousand is a big amount in this recession but even 600 is too small for your virginity. How much should virginity go? No amount. Virginity is priceless. You said you’re not a prostitute that you just wished to give it to a man that would value your pride.

You see, pride, like integrity and peace of mind etc, are some things that cannot be sold in the market, if you really have them. I have said it before, you must, if you want to take your life seriously, have some things in your life that money cannot buy, that can never go for sale.

By putting a price tag between your leg, you turned yourself into a cheap commodity like a goat and ogiri that can be turned around, accessed, bargained and rightly dismissed. You said, ‘I have standing boobs, moderate ass and very tight virgin (you mean vagina).’ Hahaha. You warned you are not a prostitute. You are not, my dear, you are an expensive one. So expensive yet so cheap.

2, You’re playing with your life
This is Nigeria. I know there are many men who would pay as much to sleep with a famous celebrity. It’s not virginity or the sex they are after, it’s the bragging in the beer parlour that I slept with this superstar actress and that sexy musician that they desire. Most of the people who would gladly pay this amount for a celebrity would not bargain it, they would bring the money in cartons. Blank cheque.

But for a hustler offering blatant sex, I can bet those who would be interested are mostly people who would want to get ‘profit’ from it. Yahoo boys, ritualists, devils parading as men would sure apply. Those kinds of men whose manhood spit, not sperm, but maggots, men who have the ability to make you bleed for more than a week after the act, men who would destroy you, men who would eat you whole and vomit you alive yet not so alive.

I shudder.

Sex is not just a physical affair. It goes deep, deeper than that. Once some man climbs you, your life would never remain the same; your life might will alter for the worst.
You want to sell your virginity? some psycho could win the bid and gather his type, a group of rapists to ‘show the greedy girl’. They might even make video of it and blackmail you for the rest of your life.

I’m not trying to frighten you but the odds that this would be your first and last sex is not minimal, the chances that you would look back to this event and eat yourself with regret is much. The sex might as well go without any visible backlash, but this is your body, your life, why should you subject it to such immeasurable risk?

3, You’re a victim and promoter of female subjugation.
Virginity is wrongly defined. In two ways. First, it’s defined as the state of having not engaged in penetrative sex. Sex goes beyond penetration (except you are saying homosexuals are virgins).

Virginity is primarily about innocence. A woman who calls herself a virgin but eats sugarcane, allows a man loosen her bra and explore is not a virgin. Same with a man who hasn’t had sex but masturbates. I have seen so many virgins who know about sex, sexual pleasure and orgasm more than half the women in their mother’s age grade.

Once you have enjoyed the ecstasy of sex you have lost it. Except you wish to deceive yourself.

Secondly, which is where I have the major problem, virginity is defined as female virginity. The society talks about and expects sexual purity but they actually look only at women purity. Men’s purity is a mere footnote. That’s why our ancestors place a white cloth on the bed on the wedding night to see if she woman had been defiled and lost her virgin blood elsewhere. No one cared about the man’s. In their wisdom, they failed to make allowance for a woman whose hymen might have broken through some form of exercise.

Today we have inherited that woman-virginity-is-supreme mentality. And by auctioning your body, you have affirmed victim status of the gender sexual bias. And by so doing, friend, you’ve put on the big screen the objectification of the vagina.

I don’t think you are very smart. As a matter of brutal fact, you are confused. Recall where you wrote if any man wants something serious, it must be marriage at first sight. Ah ha. But as confused as you are, as shallow as your thought capacity sounds, you have, without knowing it, fanatically expanded the sexploration industry and become a symbol of its foundation. You have begun a story in your life. And it’s not a comedy.

Don’t let the devil misuse you.

Yours Sincerely,
I.

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Ten Signs You Are Not Ready For Marriage

All my life, I have attended nearly ten weddings; three of them last February. These weddings were hits back to back. I have been thinking of marriage since then, having been seduced by the poetry of the vows, the glamour of the bridal train, the delight of the dance hall and soothing calm of John Legend’s voice.

Two months before, I was laughing in my mind as my mother hammered about the need to settle down, just stopping short of a deadline. Now, I am drawn.

But even this one will pass. In few weeks time, I will no longer salivate about weddings and I’ll become normal again. But while at it, I did a lot of thinking about marriage. Out of my idle philosophy comes this list. Of course the list is endless and feel free to add yours in the comment box.

Lucky Dube’s ‘It’s Not Easy’ is playing in the background as I write this.

(I will try not to abuse anyone).

1, If You Must Marry a Beautiful, Sexy Woman

When I see guys on Facebook describing their future wife, how she must be busty with large behind, solid hip, a beautiful face et cetra, I laugh cynically. Look at Nollywood, it is full of beautiful, sexy women with a broken home. Beauty and being sexy are not bad in themselves but if they are top on your list, you are still a child. You don’t know a thing.

I did not know that behind that beauty/Lies the true colors that will destroy me.

2, If You Ache for a Wealthy Man

No one is asking you to marry a boy with wallpaper in his room. But if you judge the guy by the size of his car, the class of his job and the fatness of his wallet, before you say I do, you are not ready. You are a lazy, opportunistic, gold-digger of the most extreme order.

Guys stinking with money are not bad (no, we are not #wink) but if you fix your eyes only on the wallet, you will overlook most of their faults. Faults that will haunt you when you become Mrs Money Bag.

In defense, some ladies have posted: ‘It is easier to cry inside a Lexus jeep than in a stuffy room’. You are not ready. you can’t be expecting and apologising for unhappiness and be ready.

This choice I made didn’t work out the way I thought it would.

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3, If You Will Only Marry from Your Ethnic Group

This is the twenty-first century but some people cage themselves in the basket of their ethnic group.

I used to nurse this ancient anachronistic pre-historic sentiment until in my first year in the university. There was this fine Igbo girl who usually came to our lodge to visit her guy. One day, in the company of two Igbo guys, I said ‘Nice couple, it’s a pity he’s not Igbo.’ These Igbo guys pounced on me and rebuked me seriously, and it dawned on me that I was living in the Stone Age.

Since then I have become a staunch apostle of freedom of choice which illiterates call ‘inter-tribal’ marriage. In pursuit of love, I have come to consider marrying Kogi, Rivers and Benue (you can read the funny marriage attempt of the latter here).

If I introduce my wife to my kindred and anyone says ‘What tribe is she?’ I would wound the person. I swear.

She said son did you take time to know her?

4, If You Must Never Marry From Certain Ethnic Groups

Some people don’t mind marrying from other cultures but they have blacklisted some they will never dream of marrying. I have met people who would never marry from or into Igboland. ‘Over my dead body,’ they say. I also know many ladies who are single in their late thirties because the preferred ‘tribe’ hasn’t come. Just legodi.

So many Nigerians are still in the darkness of bringing tribal talk into wedlock. No matter how inferior/bad you think some cultures are, a man in himself is psychological not entirely biology. All those stupid talks that Igbo people can do anything for money, Yoruba men are never faithful, Tiv wives are whatnot etc are stupid, useless, barbaric talk. Grow up, expand your horizon, this is 2017 and don’t let the devil use you!

I said mama she’s the best/But today it hurts me so.

5, If You Can Never Consider a Small Wedding

If your wedding must be the talk of the town (what is the use?) then you are not ready for marriage. You are just ripe for a big wedding. I have nothing more to say to you.

Maybe what the preacher man said was not something that was within you.

6, If Your Future Spouse Must be in a Particular Career

‘She must be a nurse. There is high demand of nurses in Amerika’.

‘I swear I must marry a pilot’.

If at your age, you voice these, you are an amazing idiot and I feel sorry for you.

It hurts me so mama.

7, If You Find Cheating on Your Boy/Girlfriend Easy

People who do not stick to one partner during relationship will have issues with being at marriage. Fidelity is a habit. It is not something you suddenly have because someone put a ring on your finger. A marriage certificate doesn’t confer ethics, it exposes the lack of ethics.

Admittedly, it is easier for women who were runs girls to ‘maintain’ at marriage but these girls have a shorter supply of immunity for temptation resistance than girls who were loyal. For men who were players, they hardly change; they just become more careful and more discreet after saying ‘I do’. That is when you hear a silly comment like ‘Men are polygamous by nature’. Crazy stupid talk!

Oh Lord I’m hurting now.

8, If You Are Under Pressure to Marry

Mothers worldwide are to blame for 90 percent of pressures heaped on single people to marry. ‘Your mates are married. You are not getting any younger. I want to carry your baby. When I was your age bla bla bla bla bla.’

Mama, don’t put your children’s head in a cooking gas because you want an in-law. Who in-law help? What is the ecological importance of in-laws?

Plus all these neighbours that would be asking ‘When will we eat your rice’ (I am seriously considering sharing buns and coke on my wedding); and friends who say ‘You are next in line’: You guys should give your life to Christ. You are only joking? stop it!

Back to mothers and parents, I am begging you people don’t let the devil use you.

But today it hurts me so/To go back to mama and say mama/I’m getting divorced.

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9, If You Are Too Big to Apologise After a Fight

Some people can keep malice for Africa. They look nice but their heart is a cage made of iron. They would rather die than make up a fight most especially when they think they are right. And we dey look for life partners. Okay.

You looked so beautiful and innocent.

10, If You Think You are not Ready

Then you are not. No matter how open-minded and emotionally stable you are, you are not ready for conjugal responsibilities. All these talks of ‘let me finish school first, let me serve first, let me work and look around a little first’ etc are mere excuses, red herrings for the main issue which is unreadiness.

Some guys say something like, ‘I need to enjoy my life first.’ Of course, this ‘enjoyment’ is a euphemism for an irresponsible lifestyle, bedding girls from coast to coast. YOU ARE NOT READY!

It’s not easy to understand it son
But I hope you’ll make it

You’ll be happy again

Bonus: If you are not following me on twitter @Oke4chukwu and you haven’t liked us on Facebook, you are not ready for marriage.  Period. Pass me the bottle.

Update: 7 Signs You Have Poverty Mentality