The Unending (Unnecessary) Battles In Nigeria

Hampered by work and restricted by time, I haven’t written anything here in more than two weeks, since six types of suicides. Thankfully, Sylvanus Omoniyi comes to my rescue with this article. It is hot, it is bleak, it is prophetic, and it is, most crucially, useful. Enjoy

Nigerians are angry. They are not smiling. The country is so hard that people get angry at the slightest provocation. You must be careful of the things you say. There are people who are probably waiting for you to make one false move so they can use your mistake as the casket to bury you. Bury you alive. It looks like everyone is looking for someone to crucify.

Fights everywhere. Blackmail. And even curses. You need to guard your head. Don’t come on Facebook and start acting like a king when you are not even a palace guard. Most people will lose their jobs in real life because of the things they engage in on social media. And some may be harmed or even lose their lives because of their social media presence.

It is even harder for the female folks. You know yourselves. You engage in Facebook battle with people anyhow. People you know that you can’t face in real life. You challenge everyone with words because you think you are famous on Facebook and you can get away with anything. I just pity you. Facebook warrior. Social media Arnold Schwarzenegger. Jackie Chan of subs. Go on.

You don’t know some of the people you battle with. I have heard stories of people getting molested in real life because they couldn’t control their buccal cavity on social media. Some have been killed. A man who does not have the paraphernalia to battle does not engage himself in singing the songs of war. It is dangerous. The time is coming, and now is, that people will be judged by their social media idiosyncrasies. Many will lose relationships. Many will lose jobs. Many will lose their dignity.

It is happening already. Many more will lose their privacy, their essence, and confidence. Many will remain unmarried and bitter. Some, unable to stand the havoc they let loose, will consider suicide. And lots more. You’ll hear of these things and you will remember my words. Don’t pretend to be what you are not. No. Don’t do that. You don’t need it.

Don’t drag yourself into trouble because you want to impress your fans and followers. You’ll turn to look back and you will realize you are the only one standing. Be wise. Diplomacy and modesty are required online, especially for the emotionally and psychologically weak. You may choose to argue with me that you are not weak but when the balloon bursts, you will come back to your senses. I have delivered what the gods sent me. He that has an ear, let him hear!

Sylvanus tweets @SylvanusOmoniyi




Six Types Of Suicide (You Might Be Committing Unknowingly)

Someone must have lied against me because without having done anything wrong, I got a truckload of work on my desk. The work ate me alive and vomited me whole. Phew, I survived. Pass me a medal. It’s not over yet. I still have no space. My boss just stepped downstairs so I sneaked into this blog to beat you guys with your shinbone.

Note: stop praying for a job (who job help?), just go straight to the point and ask God for money. All this pretext, I want to build my skills, I hate being idle etc are bullshit. It is money we’re all after. Making ‘I want to build my skills’ comment is just you polishing your greed. That’s by the way.

A lot has happened since I last wrote here. Suicide, depression, certificate scandals etc have trended in Nigeria (and still trend). On the certificate issue, I have already written why you shouldn’t go to school, I won’t bother talking about the A4 piece of paper schools issue people who are gullible enough to gather in an overcrowded lecture hall for a lecturer who hasn’t updated his notes since 1994 to abuse.

I don’t know enough about depression. Depression is already bad in itself without quack doctors like me adding to the library of guesswork, cant, and blackhat diagnosis. I am still researching on depression. No, don’t send me any links on WhatsApp. I will find my way, my own way. Thanks.

Let’s talk suicide.

Suicide is a big issue. To understand it, we will divide it into two broad types–the instant suicide when you jump into the lagoon, or fly into the path of a speeding truck or drink ‘ota pia pia’, or trust APC; then there is the slow or shallow suicide which is the one I will talk about here. It is the one people are more likely to neglect or overlook. Funnily, this type of suicide we must have committed one time or the other, or still committing.

Seven of them.

1, Ponzi Schemes

My dear this is suicide. Put ten thousand to get twenty; put twenty to get one million. Dangerous game. Nine out of ten times, you will lose. I had a close shave with MMM. I can count on the fingers of both hands, the number of people who are yet to recover from MMM criminal affair. In April. And there many of them Get Help Africa, Get Help Worldwide, Cashdomain. Nairalift etc. All is suicide. What kind of help do you expect from a total stranger? They want to help you eat your money. Run, bro, run!

And it is addictive. You lose one thousand, you decide to recover it. You win two thousand, you get greedier.

Please, check out among your colleagues, neighbours and family. Is anyone looking dull, forgetful or tattered? Did he play any Ponzi? Please hug someone. Keep dangerous substances out of the reach of Ponzi children. Collect their account number, send them one thousand naira. Buy them zobo. Pray for them.

And most importantly, stay out of Ponzi sites yourself.

2, Abusive Relationship

You know, whenever we mention abusive relationship we subconsciously envision a lady in physical abuse. That is the most pictorial abuse, but that is not even the most popular abuse. We have criminals, terrorists, 419ners, armed robbers parading as boyfriends and girlfriends, launching all sorts of abuse. From mental abuse, to emotional abuse, to economic abuse, to social abuse, and even destiny abuse. If you remain in an abusive relationship, you are digging your grave, slowly. One day you will be lowered into it.

Wait, you don’t understand destiny abuse? Now, what do you call a relationship where a man earns 90 thousand a month with no side business yet his girl requests for 150 thousand naira phone and gives him a deadline? And the guy is running around ‘to see what I can do’. My brother, run for your life. Stop looking for a shovel to dig your grave. Run, brother run. There are no village witches. You have one witch, your girlfriend and she is a city witch. Runaway, idiot. Idiot.

3, Smoking and Drinking

You take a pack of cigarettes and you read clearly Smokers are liable to die young. Mehn, what other argument do you want? My friend, you are digging your grave. I have nothing more to say on smoking, go and argue with the federal ministry of health.

Occasional consumption of alcohol is not the issue here.

Suicide is when you drink your life to a stage where you crave for alcohol, where you can’t stop as soon as the first bottle hits your teeth, where you need alcohol to build your morale, forget a disappoint or solve your problem. My friend, you are already on top Mainland Bridge. One more sip and you will go tumbling down.

Pass me  the bottle.

4, Abortion

I consider abortion evil. I can understand a girl who at eighteen or nineteen failed to peer pressure or got led by a terrible mother or aunt who doesn’t want the shame in the family to abort. But there are a group of serial abortionists that are committing suicide. I know or used to know a few couples who have sex without condom (because I don’t like the smell of condom, condom reduces the sweetness, condom is too rough, wow, wow, wow, etc) the girl misses her period, they get a test strip, confirm it and she takes an abortion pill. End of problem. (No talk of HIV and other STDs even).

Two or three months later, the same thing happens. They terminate. They resume sex. Pregnant. Terminate. Press repeat. So you see a three years relationship canopied with twelve to fifteen abortions. Jesus!

Have you no sense? This is not even murder, it is homicide, genocide even. You are shedding blood. I don’t care what you believe in but blood is powerful. No bloodshed will go unanswered. So you are not only risking your womb, you are risking your life, and your future. You and the nigger who pays for the mess.

Incase you missed Seven Signs You Have Poverty Mentality

5, Money-Crazed

If money means so much to you that you can do anything to get it, if you are depressed when you don’t have enough and you toss on the bed and eat yourself up, you are digging your grave. Who doesn’t like money? Nobody. The question is, who has money ruling (and ruining) his life? If money is the most important thing in your life, if money is the thing you live for, fight for, then you have a shovel.

Nigeria is a hard country and money is so slow to come by and nearly everything is for sale, including ‘good morning’ and ‘I miss you’. Understandable. But the bad news is that money doesn’t necessarily come to people who hustle harder or worry their head off. If your village witches are sitting on your source of income, forget it. Just eat your soaked garri and belch happily.

What things are more important than money? you may ask. A lot. Eg:

1, your life.

2, your happiness.

3, your family.

4, your health.

5, peace of mind.

6, good name.

7, love.

More or less. Which of the above can money buy? Yeah, money can take care of your family but not when you are rotting in Kuje Maximum Prison. The point is, if you need money to be validated, to feel fulfilled you will never get enough for a complete validation and fulfilment. You will keep trying until strong hands carry you, dig a grave and lower your carcass.

6, If You Stand With Any Nigerian Politician especially Buhari and other APC incompetent hypocrites woe betide you! Sorry, says the blogger, sorry is your name!

I am outta here.