Last Rambling Of A Very Angry Nigerian

Read the very first rambling here .

I don’t know why I have the feeling that this is the last time I ramble about Nigeria. I have a few suggestions.

  1. Maybe I am going to die tomorrow.
  2. Maybe I am going to prison after this.
  3. Maybe data will become too expensive.
  4. Maybe I am going to be appointed by the government and put in charge of some big loot.

But in any of these cases, my rambling won’t stop. If I died tomorrow, then it is the government or people who work for the government who killed me; I can’t just die like that, in my mid-twenties (don’t be silly). Something must kill a man. Only one thing can kill a healthy angry Nigerian who has just begun life. My death will give birth to hundreds of ramblers more dangerous than me, and less likely to listen to reason. Remember the ‘silent working-class whites’ who elected Trump president? There are silent angry Nigerians reading and waiting for me to die before they set Nigeria on fire. (By the way, thunder will fire anyone who wants me dead before they stand up to the misdirection of Buhari and other idiocies in Nigeria. Ndiara).

Even if I go to prison, I will come out someday. Abi, is it life imprisonment? Whatever it is won’t stop me from rambling. If it’s a life term, I will ramble on from my cell. Didn’t Nnamdi Kanu write a letter to Trump from prison? I will ramble from prison.

If data become too expensive, I will still ramble. Remember that Psquare line, ‘If I no get money I get where to borrow.’ Ah ha. I does.

If I am appointed to oversee governmental loot, I won’t stop rambling. In fact, I will ramble smoother. I will open a new site and ramble under a moniker. I will also contract people to ramble every blessed in the site and I will pay them handsomely. You see.

So I don’t think today is my last rambling. Maybe for the year. Not forever, I guarantee you. Yea, that is the number 4 suggestion.

         5. I am not going to stop rambling.

But why use the title last rambling, to clickbait? Not really. Martin Luther King Jnr said for us to live and act as though everyday is the last day on earth. So I assume this blog post will be the last I ever blog. So I am going to write it with the fearlessness of a deathbed epistle. With the clarity of a lifetime tutelage in the field of wailing about the Nigerian Sickness.

I have broken the rambling into ten sub-sections. Some demand explanations, some don’t.

1, Nigerian Government is the only Ponzi Scheme in Nigeria

You know the CBN, governmental agencies and even the clueless House of Representatives are vocal in their disdain for MMM. They dismiss it as a ponzi scheme and call on all the good people of Nigeria to reject it. Laughs. It is laughable that the government only call on the ‘good people of Nigeria’ only when they want to shortchange Nigerians. ‘The good people of Nigeria must support subsidy removal. The good people of Nigeria must support Buhari’s change agenda’ (what the hell is it?). Etc.

But there are no good people in Nigeria no more. Only hungry people. Only frustrated people. You sit at home, hungry and watching your child walk home from school because you couldn’t pay her school fees. But you are being owed by the government, but no one cares; so the school owned by the same government pursues your child away. So you tune in the radio and hear the milk-softened voice of a politician who has never being owed, who will never be owed no matter what saying, ‘all good people of Nigeria must…’ ‘Hold it!’ It is hard to be good at this time. Nay, impossible.

This is not an endorsement of MMM; if anything, it is a shaming of government who know that we are on recession yet they buy jeep worth ten million naira every three months. Who budget billions on hardship allowances. And change furniture because they cannot sit in the same chair vacated by the previous corrupt government. And include in government payroll every member of their crony, both the living and death, plus the unborn and the un-thought of. They inflate every contract by 200 percent. But they are angry about MMM. Let thunder judge.

2, Violence is the Only Area Our Government is Efficient

Our president only reads cartoon. Can you blame him? He doesn’t even have high school certificate. Political analysis tires him; economic postulations and graphs confuse him.

‘Biafrans are protesting in Onitsha.’

‘Shias are in procession in Zaria.’

‘Niger Delta  avengers just bombed Chevron pipeline.’

These are the things Aso Rock is good at. I can (almost) hear Buhari issuing the orders, ‘Crush them! Shegu.’

Even this efficiency is tainted by northern bias which is normal with anything Buhari touches. Because Fulani herdsmen rampaging Benue, Enugu and Southern Kaduna have been spared this ‘crush them’ mentality. And with Boko Haram we see issues like: ‘We don’t have ammunition. US blocks arms sale. Soldiers morale is low. Corruption fights back. Bla bla  bla.’

3, Buhari Cares About Oyibo People More Than Us

The only criticism Buhari or the servants of Buhari respond to is the criticism in Daily Mail, the Economist, Wall Street Journal, Washington Post etc. You that is wailing in Vanguard Newspaper on Facebook, Twitter or WordPress is wasting your time and energy. The Government doesn’t care about the fact that you don’t have light, you haven’t eaten or seen no kobo of your pension. As long as the international community thinks that Buhari is a good leader and a world player, he and his people are fine.

Buhari is the woman who starves her children in order to pay jewelleries for the dance of the maiden in the market square.

4, Federal Government Values Law-Breakers More than You

Since Buhari became president no law-abiding citizen has benefitted one naira (name that person). But Boko Haram and Niger Delta Avengers have gotten alerts worth billions of naira. They are still negotiating with Boko Haram for billions more.

5, Corruption Is Still Lucrative.

If you listen to government officials like the crude Lai Mohammed and the shockingly and ingenuously clueless Kemi Adeosun you must have heard of the tiring ‘Corruption fights back’. That is also the key word of the rabid fanatical supporters of Buhari on Facebook comment boxes. Corruption doesn’t have to fight back because no one is fighting corruption. To paraphrase Ezeulu of Achebe’s Arrow of God, ‘If anybody tells you that Buhari or anyone is fighting corruption, tell him he is lying. I say tell him there is no grain of truth in his belly.’

What are Buhari and his people doing? They are fighting Buhari’s enemies. Period. How can Buhari fight corruption when:

i) his secretary of the federation used 270 million to cut grass in IDP camps;

ii) his chief of staff as Rivers governor spent billions of naira on monorail and couldn’t complete one kilometre;

iii) his chief of army staff  used snake farming to buy mansions in Dubai;

iv) his minister of power used 78 million naira for one bore hole;

v) his minister of Interior is a beneficiary of Dasuki loot;

vi) when his minister of communication reduced MTN’s fine after MTN dashed him 500 million naira data.

Etc.

I can go on and on. It is as long as the cast at the end of a Chinese movie—it’s endless. These people are sacred cows. No one can touch them.

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Now you get the picture, no one is fighting corruption.

‘At least no one is stealing’. That is another insensible excuse Buhari’s thinning supporters parrot. Even those who parrot this don’t believe their sermon. Billions are being stolen every day. How do I know? It is simple. We are running on six million naira budget. One single project hasn’t being executed yet FG is looking for addition 30 billion dollars loan. Hahaha.

Pass me the bottle jor.

6, Nollywood Will Never Change.

I know there are some movie-makers who are out to make good movies, I have heard of the movie CEO. I have seen the trailer and I believe it will make for a decent seeing. But I have also seen the poster of the movie, Chidinma and the Cucumber. I have made a post on facebook dissing the filmmaker Elvis Ogbonna whom I refer to as animal-in-chief of the federal republic (I am lenient). Imagine the punk making film from the scandal of a young girl. With the like of Elvis being able to make movies, until we deny vultures the power to make films, Nollywood will remain the laughing stock of movie industries worldwide. For every one good movie Kunle Afolayan makes there are hundreds of Elvises making nonsense. I don’t think the few creative filmmakers can compete with the Upper-Iwekalisation of Nollywood.

8, Nigerian Government is the Only Ponzi Scheme in Nigeria

I think I have said this before. Well, it can’t be overstated. The federal, state, local governments and all their arms combined are the yahoo yahoo happening in Nigeria. They are the official 419 of the Federal Republic.

Wait, did I skip item seven? I think you know why.

9, Nigeria is in the Stone Age.

Yeah, we still burn thieves alive. You steal, we catch you, we put tire around your neck, douse you with gasoline and light the light. Then we go home, take our bath and attend a rally done in defence of a big politician who stole billions.

Nigeria is jungle. And some people ask Soyinka to tear his green card; the same card which is the only link he has with the 21st century. Is like your head is not correct.

10, This is not my last rambling.

Tweets to @Oke4chukwu

TEN SIGNS YOU ARE A SADIST

I published this on Mymindsnaps.com a couple of weeks ago. A handful of my readers are from Walter’s blog and must have read this; two handfuls of my readers aren’t and haven’t. Let’s go.
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In my Instagram bio, I described myself as ‘writer, blogger, sadist’. Proudly sadist. I have not always been proud of being a sadist. In 2012 I was horrified when someone called me a sadist. In 2013 I argued fervently against it. In 2014 I was indifferent. Since the turn of this year I have embraced it, and have been wearing it like an armour, punctuating most of my sentences with ‘We sadists don’t, we sadists do this, do that etc’. Although someone once asked me in a viewing centre how much being a sadist had put in my account. People laughed at me for 90 minutes but I’m not discouraged.

My rise to the zenith of sadism had, in no mean way, given me undiluted joy, and amazed me fearfully. So I began to study the art of sadism. I studied great sadists like Kafka, Woolf and Okadigbo. I studied ordinary sadists as well. Mercy Johnson rides with ordinary people, I study ordinary sadists.

Here I have drawn out ten items that are set to convict you in the Sadist Prohibition Protection Act of 1992 as Amended (when!). Here we go. You are your own judge.

1. If You Chew Chewing Stick.
I am not saying that everyone who brushes with chewing stick is a sadist, no. My father chews stick, occasionally, he’s no sadist. My grandma chews stick every blessed day, she’s no sadist. But my father was born in 1940 something and my grandmother was fished out of the 1920s. You get the picture? Why should you, born in this era brush your teeth with timber?

Toothpaste kills the gum, toothpaste causes… Sharrap! No excuse for you. The only wood allowed to enter your mouth is toothpick, sugarcane and cucumber. If you chew stick, you are a terrible somebody.

2. If You Don’t Dance in Church.
This is the height of sadistic-ness, going before God with a long face. It is even worse if you dance in clubs on Friday nights but never in the house of God. One of my guys would complain, ‘Their sound system no good. If to say here na Uniport….’ This guy is a regional sadist. Some claim they are shy, but they dance in their rooms to Wizkid and Flavour.

Faithless sadists! Didn’t the word of God (citation needed) say in all your getting get boldness? Some still, only dance with their heads as though their coconut is the only apparatus they are grateful for. Semi-sadists.

Me, I dance in church. I sit in the back so it helps.

3. If You Switch off Your Phone at Night. You came home from work terribly tired. You managed to pour garri in hot water and turned with a spoon and ate with your one-week old soup. Then you belched and went to bed. But before you drew the sheet, you picked up your phone and switched it off. You don’t wish to be disturbed, you have been out all day saving humanity from alien invasion and must now enjoy your rest to the fullest.

You know what, you are evil, selfish and dangerous. Hasn’t it occurred to you that there could be an emergency, somewhere, and your presence or word could make a world of difference, even save a life? Is your sleep more important than that woman in labour whose husband needs your keke napep to the hospital? This is no 2008, people rarely do free night calls without prior warning. Wrong numbers are a possibility of one in a million.

You must switch off your phone, you insist, because you are no doctor, midwife, pastor, parent or politician; you don’t even own a bicycle tyre. Now I get it. You are no sadist, you are irrelevant. Apologies for the botheration. Please switch off your rubber-bound Nokia 1100 and enjoy your slumber, wake up tomorrow, drink your soaked garri and go to your workplace at the construction site where you carry concrete on bald head up the fourth floor. Sadist!

Related: Seven Signs You Have Poverty Mentality

4. If you look at the mirror and your reflection looks away.

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5. If You Kick Animals.
Every normal person should hate snakes and other animals with dangerous swag and plot against their wellness. But kicking innocent animals at every opportunity you get, not so fair. I know Nollywood makes village witches out of cats; some dogs are ill-tempered and most goats are thieves. But most of the ones you get close enough to hit are really harmless (if not cute). You mustn’t like them, but you can live and let’s live.

I used to live in a compound where I terrorise a neighbour’s dog. Whenever I returned home in the afternoon and saw the poor thing resting under the shed on our veranda I usually kicked it into the blinding sun. Why should human beings be sweating out in the sun and a dog (an ordinary beast) be in the cool? Taa. Kick. Get out. Kick!

Perhaps, you don’t kick animals, but you beam with a vulpine grin when people like me are on the prowl. Same thing, you sadist.

6. If You Don’t Watch Nollywood. I believe this is self-explanatory.

7. No Item seven. This is no naming ceremony or a funeral. Were you actually thinking of having your afternoon food here? Sorry to disappoint, this is a blog!

8. If You Don’t Play With Kids. I am not saying you hate children. No, no, no, no, no. It’s just that you are very busy, so so busy. You import oil (palm oil, what else?) from Ikot Ekpene to Mariri. You are never at home. When you are not in your warehouse loading your capital oil you are in Dangote Cement where you work eighteen hours a day.

You usually come home tired and duly cemented. Or, you are a student, writing your project (actually copying, modifying, pasting and turning people’s projects into yours); you don’t want distractions. You are damn busy, mehn. More so, the kids in your neighbourhood are dirty (plus rude) etc. Does that make you a sadist? Er… Let’s say you are a hard working sadist or/and a hygiene-conscientious sadist.

You are still a sadist.

Related: Ten Signs You Are Unready For Marriage

9. If You Hate Being Tagged on Facebook. Nothing drives some folks crazy like being tagged on Facebook. They have come out to post federal rants. Hey, fellas, don’t tag me otherwise I will block the hell out of you (who cares?) bla bla bla. I can understand with them. Some people are heartless. They tag you so relentlessly, as though you guys are running a joint Facebook account, most of the time on useless posts. Twitter mention can be trying but it is paradise to compare with Facebook tag where you receive notifications when dim-witted teenagers begin a conversation about post UTME on the tagged post!

Sigh. It is terrible, terrible. But it’s bearable, it’s it? It’s social media and what is social media without a little shit? But you just CAN’T allow it. Of course dear, you are a sadist.

10. If You Never Comment on Blog Posts.  Nigerians have killed a million careers in writing. A bright boy would come out, bubbling with creativity, and publish a great post. Three days later, you see a heartless LEAVE A COMMENT, succeeded by a heartbreaking NO COMMENT.

Sigh. The blogosphere is full of abandoned blogs and unfinished blogging, and sadists are solely responsible for this. Why will you read a brilliant, awesome, funny, educating post and not say anything in the comment section? Why, WHY!

No time bro. Commenting is not just my thing. Your blog is not comment-friendly. The network is bad. Etc. Fifty shades of sadists. And creativity balloons are punctured, hundreds of them per second.

Oga, please temper sadness with comments.

@Oke4chukwu

Image source, Opinionatedmale.com