Apostle Suleiman and the Politics of ‘Defend Yourself’

I wanted to post this on Facebook but, on the last minute, I decided to put it on the blog in order to have a better conversation. By putting it on the blog, I have cut off a large number of people who are less likely to click on a link and are too lazy to read but who are very quick to start a fight in the comment box.

I sometimes think of this blog as an exclusive club where I come to share more delicate things. Viral is not usually more useful. In fact, the more philistinism you put in your work the more likely you are to go viral. I am beginning to suspect that there is an acute lack of willingness to engage in intelligent arguments in Nigeria. We are too breezy, too gossipy, too pictorial, too jokey, too dismissal, too impatient to really make a difference. I, you and the few of us who have sense, have a lot to do to salvage Nigeria from the siege of deplorability.

That is not my problem in this particular post. Apostle Suleman’s sermon is.

I have watched the video for quite a few times and I have also read the comments condemning him. At first, I shrugged off the whole thing by reposting Elnathan John’s tweet that the average Christian or Muslim sermon contains hate speech. But the arguments and name calling have continued. And a tweet of 140 characters couldn’t have covered it all. I have now decided to develop my points.

I will discuss the points in two parts. The first part is on what I believe in; in the second part, I will pass my verdict (yes, this blog is a court and I am the chief judge).

PART ONE

1, I am a Christian. I am a Christian who has a strong clarity about the deity of Jesus Christ as a Prince of Peace.

So I find the sermon of the apostle curious and troubling. Self-defence, which the Christian Association of Nigeria has endorsed, is not a Christian way. It doesn’t matter how many Christians say it. It doesn’t matter how many times they say it, or how highly placed they are placed; the weapons of Christianity are not carnal. Period!

2, Nigerian government has failed Christians.

One of the perceptions of Christians and southerners about Buhari during his many attempts to become president is that he is a religious and ethnic fanatic. Even Atiku implied this during his campaign for the APC ticket. Buhari is now president having been polished by the media powerhouse of Tinubu. But Buhari’s appointments, utterances, actions and body language have proved his critics right. He is biased. He doesn’t take the incessant attacks of Fulani herdsmen seriously. I don’t think it takes sleep away from his eyes.

3, Self-defence is a natural law.

It’s acceptable to every international, civil and human rights group. But it is not a Christian tenet. I am not against self-defence but I am against advocating self-defence on the altar. The Christian altar should be disengaged from this sort politics. Why,

a) Because it is not Christian.

b) Because it robs Christianity the power to tap into the supernatural defence they   believe in.

c) It energises their adversaries who would take it as a call to arm themselves the more.

d) It is meaningless because anyone who is resolved to take up self-defence will do so whether the clergy condemns it or not. And those who will run away will run away even if Apostle Paul of Tarsus comes in person blandishing a machine gun.

That takes me to the second part.

PART TWO

What is the way forward? I, Justice Kingsley Okechukwu of Hard Voices Supreme Courts, rule that,

1, Christians must tap into their real power.

They serve a God who walked on water, who raised the death, who resurrected Himself from the death, whose servant’s shadow healed multitudes (except you don’t believe these in which case you are not a Christian). If a Christian with as little as a tenth of the faith of the least disciple of Jesus Christ of Nazareth stands up today and says, ‘As long as I live, there will no longer be any Fulani herdsmen harassment’, it will be the end of herdsmen terrorism. He may say, if he is the angry type, ‘Any Fulani herdsman who lays his hand on a weapon will fall and die instantly’, and it will happen. But where is such man?

2, Christians must stop playing home and away.

If you believe in God, you do, if you don’t you don’t. Once a Christian starts making statements like ‘Pray but don’t be stupid’ he is invariably saying, ‘Pray but get AK47 in case your prayer fails.’ And such attitude is against the faith in God. If you don’t trust, in totality, the power of God, then you better have a powerful plan B because you will need it. Once you put God as plan A you have lost it. God doesn’t do plans. He is your saviour or he is not. He is not one of your saviours.

3, If Christians decide to go with plan B, then the likes of Apostle Suleman must step down the pulpit and lead the way.

There should be offerings for weapons and congregations should be encouraged to sow a seed of weaponry. Going on Plan B stealthily won’t work because Christians are against a well-organised group with the tacit if not overt support of their elites both in government and outside it. I urge you Christian not to do this,

  1. Because it will destroy Nigeria. We’ll wake up someday and there is no more country called Nigeria.
  2. Because it is not a clear cut battle between Muslims and Christians. Although Christians are near 100 percent of the victims of Fulani carnage, the terrorists are a minority and in mobilizing for self-defence there is no way it won’t spill-over into a free for all fight.

4, Nigerian Government must protect Christians.

They should stop endorsing Fulani terrorism. They should start arresting these evil people, try them and jail them. They must raid their hideout and recover their weapons and go after their sponsors. The nonsense talk of ‘We will deal ruthlessly with perpetrators of this bastardly acts’ is nonsense talk, we are no longer buying. Buhari and his agents must show that they are not only against law-breaking but after law-breakers. How can, as Suleman says, ‘212 people died in Kaduna and nobody is prosecuted, nobody is prosecuted. Not one.’ Yet we have Biafran agitators in prison; Niger delta avengers in prison, Shia Movement members in prison and not a Fulani herdsmen in detention. This stinks of bias, of cover-up even.

They can start by re-arresting the killers of Evangelist Eunice and the woman beheaded in Kano. How can we be trying a man who named his dog Buhari and say we have no evidence against people who kill people?

5, Nigerian Government must rebuild the communities destroyed by the herdsmen.

I don’t mean rebuilding just the burnt houses and churches, but using the opportunity to electrify the localities, bring tap borne water, build more school blocks, tar their roads, empower the people financially etc. It won’t bring the death back but it would ease the mourning of the living. Doing this will pass a message to government that they stand to pay a huge price if they do not protect their citizens.

6, Influential Nigerians must continually hold government to their duty.

It pains me when politicians of the opposition join APC. It robs Nigeria of the needed dissenting voice. But non-politicians like Pastor Adeboye, whose complaint caused the sacking of the FRC executive secretary and the suspension of its alleged anti-church law, Uma Ukpai and Father Mbaka must use their influence to the limit (except they are silently involved in verdict one above, which is not evident).

Finally, we must keep the conversation going. It doesn’t seem to change anything but it has put us one conversation forward. You may also want to read Too much bloodshed and Don’t let the devil use you. My groaning for the good of Nigeria, no matter how flawed it is, did not start today. It won’t end anytime soon.

God help us.

Tweets to @Oke4chukwu

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2017 Prophecies by Prophet TB(C) Okechukwu

‘God’s prophecies are never controversial, it is people that are controversial’- TB Joshua (2016)

Happy New Year controversial people. Look at your big ears like withered cocoyam leaves. So it is in my blog you want to come and know what 2017 entails. Is this place church? Why didn’t you go to church last night of 2016? Instead you were at a club dancing ‘you like cassava, I get big cassava’ abi? Well, it may interest you to know that the first prophecy is that there will be famine this year and we’ll soon come for your big cassava; we’ll turn it to fufu and put it on the table. Yeah, you can’t be carrying a tonne of cassava about while the whole country goes hungry. Don’t let the devil use you.

There are also people who come here in search of laughter.  Let me tell you something, because you want to reduce my ministry to a comedy, I will reduce you first. Receive it, this year as you stand at the public tap, wearing just boxers someone will come from nowhere and pull your boxers down to your ankles. Haha. And people will laugh and laugh and laugh. You think you have sense of humour. You will be humoured.

Some are here because they read  everything I write. They say I am good. Since 1752, they have been singing my praise and I am yet to blow. I still go to work; I still look forward to my salaries; I still dread when she stares at the menu for too long. I don’t know what joy you derive lying to me and yourself. I am the new Achebe, huh? Even ordinary nomination my short stories cannot get. And you think you will make heaven. This year, I prophesy that I shall make one million dollars (only) (I am not greedy) through my writing. I know you don’t believe that. You see and you keep saying I am too good. But it will happen, the one million dollars, and when it happens, I am going to buy your barbing saloon and close it. I will show you.

Enough of side talks. Let’s go straight to the sermon. The 2017 I see is making me laugh and cry at the same time. The 2017 I see is pregnant and nursing a baby at the same thing . This 2017… chai, gimme hankie.

1, APC Will Break Up This Year.

Into pieces. I don’t know how it will happen. But I see Lai Mohammed bossing a wheel barrow full of sugarcane in Ilorin. I see Dalung hawking banana in Ahmadu Bello Way, Jos. I don’t know how it will happen but there is no denying Dalung’s unwashed red beret. I know what I saw. I don’t know how it will happen. I does know but I cannot come and disclose it anyhow. You cannot reveal to your enemies what will kill them. All you need do is add coal to their pyre and wool to their blindfold. Nigeria will never move forward with the Association of Past Criminals ruling us, never. APC doesn’t rule, it ruins. But smile, this year is their end.

‘Buy sugarcane, sweet sugarcane from Germany.’

Yeah that’s Lai Mohammed’s voice. Sugarcane from Germany? Old habits never die.

2, Linda Ikeja Will Find Her Husband This Year.

Yes, the most eligible spinster in Africa will be taken. Yeah, I can see the husband sef. One smallish yellow chap. But I cannot disclose his name because the heart of a Nigerian is terribly wicked. Because some of you will go and pour one tractor of sand in his bowl of garri. In fact he is no longer yellow and smallish because some of you are already looking at your smallish yellowish neighbours. My frien’ don’t let the devil use you.

It is not clear whether the wedding will take place this year, but Miss Ikeji will find Mr Right this year.

I love Linda Ikeji. Everyone knows this. You don’t know? Well it’s because you just learnt how to read. You should be grateful to Jonathan for the almajiri schools. I love Linda and when she finally chooses another, I am going to lock myself in the other room, look out of the window and cry softly.

3, So Many Nigerians Will be Deported From Amerika This Year.

Trump himself will use koboko to whip their black asses out of his father’s real estate. There will be so much deportees that planes won’t be enough for the exodus. A lot of them will settle for long canoes, peddling home in the Atlantic. Haha. Bitch however you like, that is what I see/saw.

4, There Will be So Many Baby Mamas This Year.

The economy will be messier and many men will be more cunning and choose the short-cut to have babies. ‘I will marry you officially in April, lemme do small.’ ‘You are pregnant? It doesn’t matter, our marriage is just by the corner.’

Hahaha. One chance, babe, run, one chance! ‘Lemme do it like that, I won’t release inside.’ Hahaha. My sister, don’t let the devil use you, as soon as he drives close to his cassava plantation shout, ‘Freeze, hold it!’

5, Fuel Price Will Increase (Again) This Year.

It will and we will be okay with it. Because General Buhari has the best intentions for us. Because he is fighting corruption. Because he is a no-nonsense man and you dare not protest against him. Even when his policies are thought from a stuffed head and handed out in a platter of phlegm. 200 naira, one litre of fuel this year. Shut up and join the queue. Where were you when PDP destroyed the country for 16 years?

We are so timid in this country we deserve this hardministration.

6, Arsenal Will Win a Trophy This Year.

Not the usual FA Cup. No, something big and shiny. When I look at the trophy from the left, it is the champions league, when I look at it from the right it is the premiership. They might even win the two. Mysterious is the way of the Lord. Doubt whatever you want, who cares? You don’t matter. You are an agent of darkness.

Every Arsenal fan must fast and pray for 40 days (this is an order).

7, On MMM. 

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahaha.

8, Nigeria will be out of Recession.

Nigeria will be rescued from recession. But first they will enter repression, then depression. Finally, they will be safe. And this time around, it will be receshun.

‘Dis receshun is tew mach.’

9, I See Amnesty for Fulani Herdsmen This Year.

Kaduna State Governor the diminutive evil Elrufai has already said that he paid some Fulani herdsmen money not to attack Southern Kaduna communities but obviously the money is soo small that the Fulani came in broad day light and sacked one or two villages over Christmas. For peace to reign, we must come together in one accord and pay the herdsmen higher. I suggest we give them one trillion from the 7 trillion budgeted for 2017. Meanwhile I apologise for criticizing the importation of Brazilian grasses for Fulani cows. Because I now see that is the only way Fulani will pity us and give us peace. To add to this, every state must donate three local government areas for cattle grazing. Anyone who oppose these should be arrested and tried for treasonable felony.

I am not suggesting this with human intellect. That is what I see, and if you want peace you must support my spiritual suggestions.

10, The Trial of Mourinho Will Continue.

Mourinho’s Manchester United has won six matches in a row and people are beginning to think that Man U are back. They are not back to stay. The point is that Eva Caneiro is still angry with Mourinho and she alone is a legion of demons. She is only teasing him with these little victories. When Mourinho thinks he has arrived, his job is secured, she would appear from her office in the Deep Sea and cut him short. Eva Caneiro is the evil spirit that kills one when his life is the sweetest.

Finally, This Year.

事实上,我是想在自己的QQ空间写一段序言,我想了很久才想到这两三句话,但又觉得中文看起来不太好,所以也许把它翻译成英文会有诗意一点。所以在这里谢谢大家的帮助

Oh my God, oh my God. This is the most dangerous. I am bleeding with terrific reigns of nebulous intangibility. What this prophecy says, oh I cannot reveal it here, not in the blog. Oh Jireh. Too dangerous. Oh my God. This prophecy eh, you have to sow a seed before I uncover it. Email me at kingkingsley89@gmail.com for details on how to sow your seed. My friend don’t let the devil use you.

(Wait, did I tell you the meaning of TBC? ‘To be confirmed’. That is what it means; that is by the way. I am expecting your email/alert and {I repeat} don’t let the devil use you!)

I am outta here.