Ramblings Of An Angry Nigerian: THE END IS NEAR

The most popular person in Nigeria right now is not a Nigerian. He’s not even a human being. The dollar. Starting from early January and climaxing in the last one week, the naira had nosedived and cowed before the US dollars; since Nigeria imports almost everything, including pencils, toothpick and combs, everything has topped money, including the few that are not imported, including old stocks that were not purchased with the expensive dollars. Nigerian traders are not known for their honesty (I am not the president of Nigeria and I am not talking to BBC, why not?–Nigerian traders are not known for honesty!).

From the boli seller, to the okada rider, the provisions shopkeeper, mama-put, saw sharp increments in prices. I took this like a soldier. But when my barber told me the price for cutting my hair had risen by 50%, I just told him to put the clipper on my throat. What nonsense. Yes, I know the clipper was imported last week from Italy but I am not buying. I will rather carry Bob Marley on my head or do Emmanuel Adebayor than submit to my barber’s dirty capitalism.

(Note how the price of cigarettes, dry gin and wee-wee haven’t been affected by the scarcity of dollar).

And naira cheerfully continues to fall and fall and fall. At this rate I will go burst, and will one day gather my raggy stuff in a bag and return to the village and, like the prodigal son, kneel before my father and tell him, ‘I have sinned against heaven and against adulthood, I am no longer worthy to be called your son. Take me as one of your daughters…’

But as a man of God, I can’t think defeat nor use human intellect to try and analyse this crisis, so I consulted the Bible. And I got the answer.

After God destroyed the world with flood he made a vow to Mr and Mrs Noah, their sons and daughters-in-law never to destroy the world with water again. During my Sunday School days I thought God would destroy the world with fire and brimstones. No, God will destroy the world with dollars and Nigeria is the first to go.

We were talking about Nigeria on twitter and someone said Nigeria can never be good, that the only way Nigeria will make any headway is if Nigerians are expelled from Nigeria and new people brought in to repopulate her. And someone said no, even if new people were brought in, as long as they would live in Nigeria Nigeria will corrupt them.

So I say, Nigeria must go.

Ghana really understands this and has banned goods from Nigeria. Foresight! I think we should pay back and ban Ghanaian black soap and their whiter than British accent coming into Nigeria. And we will, at the fullest of time. Presently our president is not around, he’ll ban Ghana when he visits Nigeria.

‘There’s time for everything, a time to embrace and a time to run away.’

So while licking our wounds from our tackle with dollars a certain man went to Channels TV and said Ladies and gentlemen, I can make the dollar fall from about 400 naira per dollar to 200 naira per dollar, within one month. Some people have sold their soul to the media so that if you give them a microphone and an audience they will conquer the world within two minutes. These kind of people are dangerous, they don’t have a single clue and they see Nigeria with the eye of one under the influence of cordein, but because they have money (please flash EFCC) they make a loud noise which drowns out the voice of people who really have something worthwhile to contribute.

‘And many false economists will appear and will deceive many.’

And it came to pass that the minister of finance while trying to accuse some agency of corruption did 16 billion plus 6 billion and got 24 billion. I swear I’m not crying, it’s this onion I am cutting. First, why is every member of our government trying to play the corruption card? EFCC ably assisted by Lai Mohammed is doing so ‘well’, so why? It’s as though the strategy is for everything in the country to stand still until we kill off corruption, then (if we survive) we’ll do something about the economy, unemployment etc. I don’t know politics very well but I don’t think this strategy is sound strategy.

But I know that 6 plus 16 isn’t 24. Why do people in charge of our commonwealth usually put themselves in a situation that would embarrass a nursery pupil? The other day in trying to `reduce’ MTN’s fine the ministry of communication made a ‘typographical’ error that cost us billions of naira. I believe it’s this same ‘error’ that saw 178 million naira voted for the updating of a website in the budget.

No, I am not crying. It’s the heat.

‘In the same way, when ye see these things happening, know ye that the end is near.’

And there is one man who doesn’t have ‘the end’ in his vocabulary. His name, David Mark. He has been in the senate since the return of democracy in 1999, and enjoyed eight whopping years as senate president. Since he was sworn in for his fifth mandate and returned as a floor member he has been sitting and looking, never saying a word. You know, if David Mark stands up and addresses Saraki as Mr President, David Mark will no longer be David Mark so he would rather bury his vocal cords in his bosom and play the president of the Association of Just Looking Senators. Last week he won the rescheduled election ordered by the tribunal and is back in the senate. David Mark has done a lot for Idoma people so I understand them giving him a send forth party with four years. And this party will extend to eight years come 2019. Who knows?

‘Verily I say to you, before a rooster crows tonight, you will say three times you know me not.’

And finally, last night, yet again Arsenal were beaten by Barcelona. On behalf of Arsene Wenger, two thousand years ago, Peter had asked Jesus Christ this question, ‘How many times will your brother beat you before you retaliate?’ And Jesus answered, ‘Seventy times seven.’

Chai chai…

No, it’s not the heat, it’s not onions, I am crying.

Tweets to @Oke4chukwu