A KANO LINGUIST RANTS ABOUT NIGERIA

I am an introvert personality. I am not someone with a leaking vocal coordination that is going about spewing banal articulations. When I see something stupid I immediately unsee because my intelligent is far above stupidities and passion. I cannot be seeing myself dancing to every wind and caprices. I am the dogonyaro tree that withstand every airforce.

Before I continuous, I must give spoiler alert. I am a grammatical ability and sometimes my words only dictionary can carry it especially when I am vexed. Beer with me because I cannot bring it to your level, just look at somebody who is linguistically violent to be interpretation my vocabulary conundrum. Ah ha!

I have confessed to my introvert naturalism but I have come to decide to speak out. The issues in the national tea cup has entered a dangerous atmosphere. In lay man’s terminus, we are under suffering. No electricity, no fuel, no job, no money, no anything.

Why is this happens under change? This is not what we bargains for during campaign. When Buhari he comes and jingle campaign promises like traffic jam. The promises he have denied them. Because the promise is APC promised not his personally. But people voted because of this billboard of five thousand to unemployed, of two million jobs of school children feedback. Now all of them denied or detained.

The only promise attained is fighting corruption. But this is absolute propaganda. Because not single naira enter our economy. You are fighting corruption but you are borrowing made in China money. This is inconsequential intangibility. For my opinionated wisdom, corruption is when somebody enter NNPC filling station and buy fuel 400 naira.

We are tired. Stop blaming Fashola or Kachikwu. I did not casting one vote for Fashola nor Kachikwu. I cast you my vote, remember Kano cast you 1.9 million vote¬† So don’t insult our excess sense organs. And nobody to tell me nonsense of exercise patience. One year is not one week. You cannot hold one year wastage and expect to successfully incarnate your destination. Is first year suffering constitutional? Is go slow government the cultural manifest? Then why the bastardisation of the masses? Because the rich are getting richer while the poor are trekking and sipping garri without no sugar.

Some people are stupid to be saying we better to buy fuel 400 naira than blood shedding all the time. But is it a crime for us to have everything that every normal country have? Look at Niger Republic we give them independence but they have peace, fuel and light. But some people want peace in exchange for cutthroat economy. Some people must go back to school.

That is one. On the issue of Fulani frequency fighting all over Nigeria is something that must be put to a stoppage. I enter Facebook somebody he posted the fear of Fulani headsmen is the beginning of wisdom. I feel bad about that testament. My mother is Fulani even you the president is Fulani so you must ensure that peaceful coexistence thrift among all and asunder. People that kill cattles and people that kill somebody must be bought to book. Otherwise Nigeria will fall apart and men anarchy will be loosed upon the society.

On the aspect of your frequency traveling in the overseas is not good. Because money is burning in the jet because it’s not swimming you use to travel or inside horseback. It’s kerosene you put in your jet and meandering in the wilderness of somewhere. Obasanjo when he presiding this country partitioned more than 70 countries but Nigeria he worst after Obasanjo come down. It is not traveling, traveling, traveling. Sometimes you put credit in your waya and call Japan or you send your deputy or a minister.

That remembrance me of your deputy come to Kano and people are abusing him shouting “bamuso, bamuyi” and some people carry sign board with the subscription “no food, no fuel, no money”. Somebody even throw something stronger than aya. This is just the tip of the ice bank of frustration. If it happenstance in Enugu or Port Harcourt they will say 5% noise but if we Kanawa complain then it is really a hopelessly situation. This is the typing on the wall for this administration. Sit up.

On the issue of Boko Haram you have tried your common best to uproot the enigma of their barbarism. But some people can never accepting the defeatism of Boko Haram because of Chibok girls. Until they return all the Chibok hostages. And we’re hearing one girl see in Cameroon¬† one girl carrying suicide cartridges. Too much confusion. I secretly suggestions you secretly negotiations with Boko Haram to release as much girls as possible. But inside public looks you bone your face marrow and threaten the use of forceful that is how American CIA using tactics, they bone but they go behind the curtain and pay top dollars. Because no amount of forcing and intelligent gathering will rescue all the girls, it is something for the sensing organs to manoeuvre and decipher. I am a bloody civilians but that does not mean I cannot give you military tactics and nuances. A world is enough for a wise.

In a final note I must quantify this with a quotation mark. In the world of Chris Rock “No normal, decent person is one thing”. Buhari must not becoming one thing, just pursuing corruption. Because what we poor masses need is food by the table, light on our bulb and fuel inside our Keke.
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Just for fun you should try commenting in this King’s Grammar, if you can.

Tweets to @Oke4chukwu

Ramblings Of An Angry Nigerian: ODE TO GENERATOR

When I first encountered literature in 2004 I didn’t know the pronunciation of ode. I thought it was pronounced odeh. So I go about shouting odeh to nightingale, odeh to peace, odeh to… stupid! One day I stumbled upon ode in the dictionary and saw that it was pronounced oud, exactly like owed! Oops, oops. So many girls I’ve tried to impress with odeh! And they can’t unhear. But I didn’t tell any of my co-odehs, I just went quietly with oud and left them with their odeh. But it takes more than the right pronunciation of ode to touch the heart of girls in those days (don’t know for now) for these odeh boys kept getting the girls and I was left with this nice fat girl nobody wanted (by the way she’s now slim and ignores me on WhatsApp). Very successful these odeh guys but the good news is that most of these guys went to the University pronouncing ode as odeh. Hohohohoho.

I never corrected them. They had their romance, I had my right pronunciation of ode. 1-1.

But I have not come here to ramble about pronunciation. If your phonology teacher did a lousy job on you then you should carry your cross, is it in my blog you want to come and learn oral English? Be careful.

I have come to ramble generators. Last month, I was home for Easter and having bought fuel at the gracious price of 150 per litre (should be 250 now) I relaxed to enjoy my life. But the generator was not cooperative and kept groaning and lurching and giving low current. I believe my village witches were on form but my mom thought otherwise. She said something about the generator being old and kind of outlived its utility. She didn’t come out to say we need a new bigger one but it was clear that a new bigger one was the theme of her poetry. No, she wasn’t talking to me but her mouth was fixed at my direction. I just covered my face with a novel. Let nobody ever mention my name…

But before I left I got a mechanic and he resurrected the generator. I called my brother and his testimony was that the generator runs as new. I am safe for three months.

Someone once tweeted that indomie noodles has contributed more to the history of Nigeria than the national assembly! Ahhh. What a rare insight. I have retweeted, mentioned, favourited and screenshot the tweet. It is a great testimonial. But indomie aside we have a long list of products that have contributed more to the history and welfare of Nigeria than the establishment of government. The generator is top of the list.

You know, studying history of Nigeria I’ve come across eras such as The First Republic (1960-1966), Gowon and the Civil War (1966-1975), Abacha Regime (1993-1998) etc. When I finally write my history textbook it would be something like Generator Revolution (2003 to forever). Yeah mehn, there is no sight to the end of this.

You know, they lied to us that Buhari’s the answer and the man came, saw us crawling on our fours and he smashed us, we’re now on our belly and he’s still smashing. You know the Igbos say if you can’t increase me at least leave me as small as I am. Well, Buhari has made us far worse than he met us. And some are saying that one year is too small to judge, and I say one year is too small to destroy us this much. Then they say no glory without pains and I laugh because there’s nothing Buhari is working on that’s causing this hardship. We’re not facing fuel scarcity because Buhari is building new refineries, we’re not suffering blackouts because Buhari is building new power stations and we’re not enduring rising cost of living because Buhari is working on increasing our export quotas. We’re suffering because our president has failed to manage the little we have. Period.

Well, well it’s cool and almost romantic to criticise the people that work for Buhari. No light, hold Fashola responsible; no fuel, scold Kachikwu, Fulani cattle-rearer massacre people, that’s the IG of police’s responsibility etc. Yeah, they fear Buhari so much they have made him a ceremonial head of state like Queen Elizabeth, just that he’s the Executive head of state and head of government. Executive. Look that up in the dictionary, don’t assume like my odeh friends.

So the generator has been saving our ass. It’s practically the only standpost between us and extermination, between us and pure hell. Imagine no generator and you have to wait once in a month for light to cut your head, charge your phone, iron your clothes, weld your shovel, check your jamb, mail your CV, watch TV, chill zobo etc. Ahhh, anarchy, endangered species stuff.

Indeed the generator has done us a great deal of good. Two things must kill a Nigerian, lack of electricity and fuel scarcity. And one thing must drive a Nigerian crazy, the sound of generator! Our Alaba International brothers are trying to solve the latter problem by importing noiseless generators from China (please don’t tell my mom). Soon, they will import musical generators that play Adele when you switch it on. Tell my mom I’ll waiting for this one.

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So I understand the genius of removing the eagle in our coat of arms and replacing it with sweet generator. Who eagle don help? Who, who! Just mention one pursin.

I heard Benue State government wants to introduce Generator Tax to save the ozone layers from smoke emissions. Nonsensical. That’s by the way.

So the genius who redesigned the coat of arms should be given a national title. Designer of Federal Republic, DFR. We can then approach the senate to pass this new design into law. Yeah they are dump, all of them but if you tell them the generator is mandated in the Bible and Quran they would cooperate sharply.

Talking senate, did you hear the news, how the senate president went to court where he’s being tried for corruption/disobedience with ninety defence lawyers? Ninety lawyers noni. Haha, he’s as guilty as craze. Imagine being the judge and you have ninety lawyers sitting on the defence table, on the floor, on the window, under the desks, kneeling, squatting, lying etc. Madness mehn. So the trial goes this way,

1st lawyer: Objection my lord.
Judge: Objection overruled
2nd lawyer: Objection my lord.
Judge: Objection overruled.
3rd lawyer: Objection my lord.
Judge: Objection overruled.
4th lawyer: Objection my lord.
Judge: Objection overruled.
17th lawyer: Objection my lord.
Judge: Objection overruled.
36th lawyer: Objection my lord.
Judge: Objection overruled.
78th lawyer: Objection my lord…
Ahhhhhhh!

This is obstruction of (in)justice. Where are my nairabet freaks? You can bet your school fees on it, it’s 4.5 odd that the judge will break down before he pronounces Saraki guilty. And even at that, Saraki jailed, he’ll still be our senate president directing proceedings from Kirikiri Maximum Prison, because the senate is his father’s snooker joint only he can handle. So don’t talk resignation to Issa Hayatou Saraki. Or something worry you for head?

Babes and guys, I have to go now. Yes babes and guys na. No one above 30 reads this blog. If you are, please identify yourself in the comment box. My name is Onome Ikeme, 62, nice post. I really have to go, who rambling don help? Mention just one successful millionaire rambler. Let me concentrate, I am at the filling station, to fuel my car. I am tired of trekking helter scatter, lemme get fuel even if it’s half a litre. Purr! Purrr! It’s my turn!!

Next week.

@Oke4chukwu