MMM: To Weep Or Not To Weep (Yet)?

Has MMM crashed?

There are two answers to this question. Depending on whom you ask. There are two people you can channel this dreadful question to. The Realist and the Optimist.

Has MMM crashed?

Realist: Yes, it has crashed, technically.

Optimist: No, it has not crashed, hopefully.

The large number of people who didn’t do MMM are in group one. They are praying and hoping that MMM crashes so that they can bare fangs and say, ‘I told you so. I warned you haha.’ The people who belong to the second group are the ones whose money is doing see-saw in MMM, the ones whose heart is doing see-saw as well (Please keep insecticide out of the reach of children  MMMites). This group has nothing else to do but to hold on to the faint hope that MMM will return in January and reward their heartache with naira.

Let me digress a little.

I have read so many articles hastily written about MMM by people who claim not to be involved in MMM. The intellectual, the entrepreneurs, the born again, the wise one, the broke-asses and the lily-livered. 70% of them actually have their house rent in MMM and they are too ashamed to come out as cry babies. Past her the hankie.

I am in MMM, so you can take this article as one written by a fellow mavrodian (what a name!). Well, before you begin to laugh or say ntoor to me, let me point out that I reluctantly entered MMM in late October just for the fun. It was like social media to me and most of my friends and colleagues were/are in it. And they continuously spammed me on Whatsapp and harassed me in the office until I reluctantly joined their demonic wagon. But I joined for fun, I swear; the money I make there, everything goes to charity through Okechukwu Foundation. Walahi.

I knew that MMM will never crash until I join. I said it on Facebook in October that MMM is waiting for me to enter. My village witches are tew much. So when I entered MMM, I put Small Money (in late October) and I allowed it to mature in early December before cashing out. Meanwhile in mid-November I opened another account using my brother’s account number. I put in another Small Money that will be used for Christmas. the money will mature on Friday and I intended to leave it and cash out on 23rd December (wise me). I even made a list on how to share the money. Aunty Uju, one hollandaise; Uncle Sam one bottle of schnapps. Etc.  Hahaha.

On the 7th of December, MMM announced 20% Christmas bonus; I was seduced. No reason to fear, after all my ‘Think Tank’ predicted that MMM won’t crash until the second quarter of 2017. Haha. So I asked to Provide Help with big money. Big Money. This was on Friday. Almost immediately, MMM matched me to pay someone. Giving me 96 hours. My antennae groaned. So soon? In the weekend? For so much time? I shrugged, MMM is strong and decided to pay. I brought out my phone and logged into FirstMobile app. I typed the person’s account number. Then ‘Jesus loves you’ popped up my phone.

It was a Whatsapp message, from Tina who had not talked to me for a long time. I didn’t understand; why sent me a ‘Jesus loves you’ message. Why. Of course, Jesus loves me (a lot sef) but why will Tina suddenly tell me, out of the blue, this divine obvious fact? I logged out of my bank app and decided to chat her up. ‘What’s up Tina?’ She didn’t respond. I called her; she didn’t pick. But I was no longer in the mood to send the money. I decided to wait and see, after all I still had plenty time.

I woke up on Tuesday morning to the coup, MMM blowing grammar about freezing the account because of one crinkum to another crankum.

I lost my Christmas money, technically. But, my Big Money is in tact. Praise Master Jesus! Oh, if anything had ‘freezed’ my Big Money, I would have shown MMM that you cannot use the tail of the lion to tie firewood. I would have showed them that you do not hold a viper in the head whether it is dead or alive. I would have chewed them whole, swallow them whole and vomit them out whole. I would have shaved their head with their shin-bone. I would have–

What about my Christmas money that they froze? Erm… Well, let that one freeze, in fact let them pour a dozen of ice-block on it; after all Christmas is a time for sober reflection, meditating on the Great Birth of our Lord Jesus Christ and the glory of his salvation. Not a time to tie wrapper or drink kai-kai.

Has MMM crashed?

Technically speaking, I would say the panic the freezing has created has put it on the expresssway of crashing. But hopefully, they will come back strong and someone will pay me my Christmas money in January and I will give it to Miss Charity. But for this to happen, MMM guarders and consultants and administrators must get a new dibia. I suggest they go to Ijebu Ode or even India. The media lash, from radio to newspapers to social media on MMM is two much. People are panicking, confidence is low. MMM will not survive this, technically.

Is this then the time to weep about lost investment. No. Because…

1, You are greedy. You know it would eventually crash, you saw ultimate cycler speaking grammar, yet you left your head in a tumultuous dam in search of easy dough.

2, It is too early to cry. Wait till January.

3, It is too late to cry. What will your crying accomplish?

4, How much did you even lose? I spoke with someone this morning whose one million naira will mature this weekend, whose 2.5 million is due for cashing out on Christmas eve. So if you weep, what do you expect the guy to do? kill himself? Please, respect yourself.

5, Why cry when you can laugh about it?

6, It is not over until it is over.

7, Use the energy that would have been wasted crying to hit back at the mass media. Tell people around and on social media not to panic, lie that you have requested to PH, vow to pay out in January and laugh off the panickers as cowardly. Then travel to Ijebu Ode for the latest dibia. Help your ministry.

But has MMM really really crashed?

I am sick of this question. Ask yourself, ‘If MMM matches me to pay someone in January, will I?’ Now ask your friends and family. Your answers will give you an idea of whether MMM has really really crashed. Don’t ask me again. I am tired. I have work to do. Meanwhile share this post. If you do, you will get 20 dollars automatically. Then you will get ten percent of this for every one (referral) who reads it through you. Bonus points if you make a comment or like the post. I will pay you after thirty days, by and by, across the stream, technically. Ole.

Catch you in January.

Tweets to @Oke4chukwu

HOW TO BE HAPPY AS A BROKE, SINGLE, ANGRY NIGERIAN

I have not blogged for nearly three weeks now, and I have, when friends asked me, said I’m on strike. I should be on strike. It’s not against the government (where’s the government?); it’s a strike against the timidity and cold ashity that we Nigerians have become under this hardministration. What is the essence of writing when the people you write to don’t care, when they are comfortable with hardship, when they rationalise and apologise for tyranny? But, you might ask (for the sake of argument, what else?), must I write politics, why not short stories or stupid characters or Sade?

And my answer is, Why should I write stupid characters and the rest when I am hungry and angry and frustrated by an entity that is elected to alleviate these? Look at the motto of my blog, it’s for the Wretched of the earth. Yes, the Wretched, like the okada man who was supposed to charge me 150 naira but accepted 100 naira when I told him I would fight to reduce the price of fuel. So I “fight” and lost, and NLC (1978-2016) lost their life in the battle (rest in piece), and you expect me to run back to the blog with Chike and the River tales. I will not. I am the last person on earth that would give the impression of running away from the deep complexities of governance into the cartoon of comedy, or the lie of thriller. In fact, this blog, I’m tired of you. I am putting you up for sale right away. Contact me on kingkingsley89@gmail.com let’s talk business. Let me use the money and start up something useful, like a kiosk where I’d sell spirit and poison the youths who are trying to run away from their fight, their reality.

That’s by the way.

I am here to talk to my people. This post is not for everyone, just my people. To participate you have to give the right answers to these mini-questionnaire,

Are you single?
Are you broke?
Are you angry?

If you have answered one “no”, please excuse us, this isn’t for you. Don’t let me diss you. Respect yourself. This is my blog and I ask you to leave… Good riddance.

Now, if you answered yes to the entire questions then I must ask you to dig a hole and bury yourself in there because you are evil. Or better still have Lai Mohammed advise you for you’re terrible and deserve all the masquerades he’d urge you to dress for employment.

To read this article, this is how you should answer the poll:

Are you single?
–Nonsense.

Are you broke?
–Are you trying to mock me?

Are you angry?
–Stop asking me stupid questions!!

Atta boy! You can’t be angry enough and give a civil weakling yes answer. In fact the best answer to Are you angry? is to pick up an empty bottle of O’npa and smash the erring big head. But don’t do that yet. What will it profit you to be broke, single, angry and in prison? You can’t read Hard Voices in prison, can you, so what’s the use?

So, to be happy in spite of these burdens, you must do the following.

1, Admit you are broke, single and angry.

Don’t lie to yourself. There you are standing before the ATM, roasting under the angry sun, sweating and feeling sorry for yourself. It’s your turn and you step forward and withdraw one thousand naira. You have expertly used your back and blocked other brokers in the queue from seeing that you just withdraw one thousand. No one sees you but Jude, you can’t lie to yourself. Because you know from the bottom of your heart that if ATM dispenses 200 naira that’s what you would be withdrawing, that’s what you deserve to withdraw. So you go home carrying your one thousand carefully because it’s made of egg shells. You buy MTN one hundred naira card (your account balance is -99.89), MTN pity you and dash you 10 MB; you enter Facebook and you see the picture of your immediate past girlfriend who left you because she said she wanted a break from relationships; there she is in the photo, smiling so brightly, and happier than you ever knew her. She tags the pic, Thanks for making my day boo. #loveeverlasting. Tears are forming in your eyes but it’s the onions in the kitchen, you can’t be crying.

Keep lying to yourself. She left you not because she needed any useless break, you’re a loser that’s why she left you. Being with you was like riding a bicycle up Udi Hill, now she’s so happy sailing on a speedboat, as you can see.

Oga, wipe your eyes clean and admit you are broke, single and angry.

2, Confess that you are broke, single and angry.

Put your right hand hand on your chest, close your eyes. Now repeat after me, I am a broke ass, I am single to stupor and I am an angry unmarried auntie. Ew, ew, ew…

Stop crying, Chichi. That’s what you are. Confessions are sometimes soothing balms.

3, Be contented with what you are.

Don’t try to change what you are. You are not stupid. You’re just broke and single dear. Do you know how many millionaires out there who are so dissatisfied? Uncountable. Do you know that being in a
relationship has no direct link with your happiness? A research in one American university I can’t remember right now says that people who are single are twice more likely to die young to be happier than people who are very very single. You see. And remember the wise Robert Mugabe says It’s better to be single and waiting to be taken for granted than being married and waiting to be taken to the psychiatrist. So you see that you have the best deal.

The only problem with this idea is that you’re angry. Mehn, anger is self-mutilating. So…

4, Do something about your anger.

Being broke accepted, single very accepted. Angry, poisonous. No one has been denied paradise ’cause of poverty or singlehood. But no angry man shall see the Lord. The only way to be happy as a single, broke and angry personality is to be single, broke and un-angry.

So, how can you dis-anger your life. The bad news is that I don’t know. The good news is that this place is not a Hot Temper Guidance and Counseling Plc, it’s a blog for Gawd sake! Don’t be greedy. How much are you paying for reading this, absolutely naught, now you want to get free counselling on top of it. Chai, Nigerians!

Anyway, since you insist on getting how to stop being angry advice from an angry person, I guess I can dish out one or two things. First, remove every symbol of anger in your life. Start with Facebook, unfollow, or unfriend or block or all of above that gal with her uncreative hashtag and fake smile. She’s history and that’s what dust bins are for. Done?  good.

Secondly, stop attaching your happiness with something as unstable and unpredictable and worldly like your economic and romantic status. You are a go-getter, innovative and reliable yet no one wants to hire you, their loss. You are beautiful, sensible with a sense of humour yet only married men the age of Uncle Bayo and, let’s be frank, riff-raffs ask you out. Oops, oops. But you can’t just kill yourself by letting a rock of anger have dominion in your heart. You must banish anger and pursue happiness with annoyance. You might start by pretending to be happy, and with time you will get used to it. And a sure way to banish anger is to…

5, Do something about your broke ass.

You can’t fold your hands and let impecuniousness (pardon my grammar, I have a degree in English) grow mushrooms in your head and accompany you to your grave. Of course no one has ever been denied heaven because he’s broke. But no one has ever gone to heaven on the strength of their penury. You may as well make your life easier on earth. To start with, refuse to be comfortable with poverty, be allergic to poverty, hate it, frown at it and fight it with all your might, wherever you smell it. Thankfully, this is Nigeria where everything is possible. So, in banishing poverty you could do any of the following,

a) Dress masquerades
b) Become a politician and steal money. If you join APC no one will probe you. You’ll be innocent until proven innocent.
c) Become a musician. Sing about the female anatomy and if your chi is alive you’ll hammer.
d) Do Kanayo O. Kanayo.
e) Try yahoo.com
f) Begin to farm tomatoes
f9) Take a placard with the inscription “Hire me, I’m a graduate with twenty years experience of uncommon sense” and go stand on a busy junction. Ha ha ha.
g) Fall in love with Dangote’s daughter. Etc

6, Do something about your singlehood!

Yes, everyone is double except you. Your gateman, your shoeshiner, your gardener, all are taken, engaged or enraged. Except ewe. You are broke and so what? You don’t have “I am broke” tattooed on your forehead, do you? Well, if you do, get a headwarmer. Now, go out and mingle. There’s something we call packaging. Yeah, package yourself and ask every girl you see out. By the time you get to the 3,678th girl you will find a frustrated, single and angry girl who just wants someone she can yell at. Accept her like that, with both hands, after all what do you really want from her other than to touch a female breast?

And you mustn’t even only just try your luck with the single ladies. They are sometimes hurt or/and nursing a heartache, and you can’t use your hand and dip your hand into a scorpion’s den. Some of the best girls are in a relationship or assume they are in a relationship, snatch a brother’s boo and move on. Your own boo it was a brother who stole her, wasn’t/isn’t it? Or an uncle. If she’s not walking down the Isle don’t give up on her.

You might take her out for a date and while eating chicken paid with your hard earned money she might say, “Actually I’m in a relationship.” If you show serious displeasure she might soften the statement with “How do you expect a Nigerian lady at my age to be single? It’s not like that relationship will affect our own.” If she really likes you she would open the door wider, giving her guy the knockout, “I am with a guy who doesn’t ask how I buy my cream and every every.”

You would laugh in your belly because you, like the mythical boyfriend, don’t care if she rubs ice cream or shea butter on her face, all you want is to touch er… er… er… touch… no, actually you want more than touching, you want the whole fura da nono.

Hey, pass me the bottle!
I am outta here.

Tweets to @Oke4chukwu